My boyfriend still thinks I’d cheat

We’ve been together for a few years and when we first got together, we both had our issues so I allowed more than I probably should have. He has been cheated on before and stayed single for years before we met. I was dealing with a severe eating disorder at the time and we were both trying to help each other.

I tried my best to help him build trust (I’d even let him look at my phone when he asked for it, but making it clear it won’t be allowed forever)

He challenged me to get over my fear of food and gaining weight. He’s a good cook and I’d feel bad for not eating it so it was the perfect way to feel comfortable eating again.

We were both gentle with each other and proud whenever we noticed the other was moving in the right direction, though it definitely wasn’t easy for either of us. Him worrying that I’ll get worse again and me slowly killing my social life so he couldn’t accuse me of cheating.

While I got better, he did also move towards the right direction but it seems that no matter what I did to build trust and prove his fears to be wrong, he’d still think every time a male specimen is near me I will go and sleep with them. Side note: I’m bi and mostly into women so I tried to tell him I have no interest in other men, not to mention that I wouldn’t cheat anyway. Ironically we also do this thing where we’d point out really good looking people to each other and that was never a problem but as soon as I had a male work colleague or something, I definitely wanted to sleep with him.

I tried to reason with him, explained my side of things and also that I need an emotional connection to even consider sleeping with someone. Eventually he brought up the topic of poly. He said it’d help him since at least he’d know. At first I was not interested at all but years later we did have some fun with a couple we’re friends with. That was also not an issue for either one of us, he even said he wanted us to do stuff like that more often.

I just don’t understand because we have good communication and we can talk about who we think is hot, we can talk about poly but I still caught him going through my phone over the years, looking at text messages, wanting to know all my usernames after we both agreed that we deserve privacy. I get anxious every time I’m on my phone near him because if a discord notification pops up and the name sounds male, it’s immediately “who’s that”. Whenever my phone (that is usually on silent) beeps “who’s messaging you”. When I try to make myself look pretty so he compliments me, I get a “who are you trying to impress” instead. Sure, he does compliment me too but it does hurt when his immediate reaction is always “it must be for someone else”

We live together, we are mostly monogamous, we talk about what we want/ don’t want/ who we think is hot etc. I thought eventually those comments and actions would stop especially since we both acknowledged it’s not healthy but recently he seemed to have done a 180. I like to ask him about these comments whenever he makes them so we can talk through his feelings and worries. But when I then tell him that he has nothing to worry about (because we do say if we’re interested in someone, we talk about it) he says I’m somehow gaslighting him. When I talk about my feelings and how it hurts that he keeps making these comments he brings up ex gfs who cheated and how they got defensive etc.

I obviously don’t want to ring any alarm bells but I also don’t see why I should just accept it. To this day I don’t like spending time with people without him because we tend to fight afterwards. Either because I didn’t check my phone often enough or because he’ll ask about any guys who may or may not have been there etc.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I love him very much but this doesn’t seem okay to me, I just don’t know who to turn to or what to do to make this situation better.