I (25F) have two roommates (30F and 37F) who, for the most part are super chill. We all got extremely close during covid, and at that point I also considered us all to be close friends. We’d do all our grocery shopping, mall shopping, or just chill/hang together. A little later down the line I started seeing my current boyfriend which took up a bit more of my time away from them. No biggie, although they were not fans of him at first, for virtually no reason other than they thought he was boring. This put a strain on our friendship until I confronted them about it. Things were chill after us talking it over and they began treating him a bit better.
After getting a new job and puppy shortly after, life started getting in the way and I had way more responsibilities to take care of. I’d have to decline hang outs with them more often than not, mostly because I’d be so exhausted from the work day or I’d have pre-existing plans already made either with my boyfriend or other friends. This was around the time they’d stop asking me to hang out as much; which understandably I can kind of get. I brought it up to them and asked to be included more since I liked hanging with them, I’d just have to plan ahead due to my demanding job at the time. We all came to an agreement for the time being. Although now, they don’t bother to include me in anything at all. They’ve grown extremely close which I’m happy for, although it kind of sucks feeling like a third wheel. They continuously go out and hang without me, and by this point I’m trying really hard not to take it personally. When I am there…I might as well not be. I’m barely acknowledged when I try to participate in conversation.
TLDR; Used to be close friends with roommates, now feeling excluded/like a third wheel.
3 comments
You’ve grown apart- while you were unavailable and spending more time with your bf, they developed a closer bond without you. That happens, and I think if it bothers you it’s time to move.
I was in a similar situation when I was in college. I met my partner in my second year and my two best friends / roommates weren’t thrilled about the change in my life.
They were used to being the ones with a boyfriend, not me — so when suddenly I wasn’t around and available as much, it shifted the dynamic a lot.
A year or two later, things changed again when they started to resent each other – and I was stuck in the middle of it. Now, two years after that, I’m not really friends with either of them.
Anyway, the lesson I learned was that friendships don’t always last the way you expect they will, IF the people involved aren’t respectful / considerate / willing to be patient.
A new relationship and other life changes are a big deal, and friends that can’t respect that aren’t worth the time.
Also, your roommates may seem extremely close now — but what guarantees that they always will be? They may just be closer only because you’re not available as much.
If you’re serious about your boyfriend, it’s worth keeping your relationship a big priority in your life. While it’s true that relationships don’t always last, sometimes they do, so don’t think you’re doing something wrong.
I know it’s hard to be a third wheel in a friendship (I was for basically 4 years!) but if they genuinely care about you, they’ll change their behavior.
Look, friends grow apart as priorities change. I think you need to work more to accept that you get out of friendship what you put into it. You were the one who stopped hanging out with them first. You yourself said ” I’d have to decline hang outs with them more often than not.” When someone says no to you more than half the time don’t you suppose they’d also start to feel rejected? They tried to include you and you declined so they adjusted to asking you less. And you say you have boyfriend time or pre-existing plans with other friends, so it sounds like *you* also weren’t making them a priority. How much have you offered to be the one who makes the plans and invites them? How much are you relying on them inviting you? You’re asking to be included, but how much are you also including? It’s valid to feel sad over a friendship changing and losing those feelings of closeness, but honestly I see that there’s shared responsibility here for the situation.