I have had little to no irl socialization in 3 years. I’ve worked warehouse jobs so I don’t talk to coworkers and after work I just stay home. I live alone with no family. My only friends are online.
I’ve realized I need to socialize because I think I’ve lost my damn mind from the isolation. But I have no idea how to start. I feel so intimidated by the idea because I’m so much inferior to everyone. The average person has active social lives, dated and has had sex, probably numerous times. Meanwhile I’m a virgin that can’t talk to people. I feel completely subhuman.
Its sort of a vicious cycle. I feel subhuman because I have no friends but I can’t make friends because I’m subhuman. How do I fix this?
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As long as you keep viewing yourself as inferior, people will notice and feel that vibe coming from you. People notice the way you carry yourself and the vibes you give off. When you are nervous/anxious/overthinking/worrying you are inferior, your verbal and nonverbal actions tend to show it. If you keep acting this way, people will stop associating with you because it’s a negative vibe. You are essentially conveying that you are indeed unworthy to hold a conversation with them or be around them and that they need to be constantly reassuring you. That’s not what you want to convey, and it’s nobody else’s job but your own to validate and reassure yourself. People gravitate towards self confidence, not anxiety.
Genuinely connect with people in real life e.g. ask how they are, their hobbies, interests, goals, opinions, etc. Listen and pay attention to what people say. Share those things about yourself when asked. People also subconsciously attach you to the value you bring. The value you bring is a clear, unique, and convincing reason why people will interact with you, let alone do so constantly. So Find ways to add value to their lives. Having In person interactions is the easiest way to stand out from countless people who text or message. People remember and favor in person interactions because of the positive vibes. If your hobbies, skills, talents align with their interests or can help them, bring it up and offer to help them. Finally, learn how to be genuinely busy in your life pursuing your goals and hobbies, while interacting with people on the side. People are hardwired to be repulsed by neediness and desperation and instead gravitate towards those who are self confident and well rounded in life. They want to see active confirmation of you actually doing something in your life other than just talking to them. So chase excellence, not people.
Sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time.
What struck me most about your post was two things:
>I’ve worked warehouse jobs so I don’t talk to coworkers and after work I just stay home. I live alone with no family. My only friends are online.
It sounds like a lot of your life is shaped in such a way that you are more likely to be lonely. Like these aren’t things you can change overnight. You need a job and a place to live, right?
>I’ve realized I need to socialize because I think I’ve lost my damn mind from the isolation.
Sounds like motivation to change to me. Reaching out to the internet is a good first step!
What are your thoughts on seeking professional help?
>after work I just stay home.
You go out grocery shopping, though?
Focus on the wins.
You live alone. Most people still live with their parents.
All people have insecurities just like yours. Some people you see just have learned to accept them and make them small.
You make them small by learning to love yourself.
And the first step to loving yourself is focusing on the wins in your life.
Write down 2 or 3 wins every day, with no negatives attached. Even if you believe there is a caveat/negative, don’t write it down. Of course that negative may be true, and we are not ignoring it, but we are just not giving power to it. There’s a difference.
“I put my shoes on as if I was going to walk outside.”
“I laughed with my friends on Discord.”
“I had the urge to clean my trash can and I ended up doing it today.”
etc.
The next step is to accept the negatives, but my post is getting too long already.
Consider fostering or adopting a rescue dog. If you don’t think you can do it, see about fostering an older pet. They are often already established (may be turned in by elders unable to keep them) and they will help YOU learn the ropes. Fostering is also a good trial run—you can feel safe that you’re not “stuck” if it doesn’t work.
When you take a dog out to walk (reminds me I need to do that!) you enter the social sphere, but with a buffer. If the dog is very easy-going and gentle, you can let other humans interact and just smile. If you notice other dog people out, you might find a good coffee friend.
My best friend has PTSD and thinks the trash is a toy box. But we keep each other calm and he’s helped me with my depression and anxiety. On the whole, all my favorite people are dogs. 🙂
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I felt inferior to everyone for a LONG time. Lots of self-comparison going on. Then, I fully realized that the people I was comparing myself to weren’t thinking about me. I knew that they hadn’t had a legitimate thought about me since the last time I saw them. For some people, I saw them over 6 years ago.
I asked myself, “Why was I letting people that don’t care about me, cause me so much pain?” The answer: a ton of societal pressure to be the best! + childhood environment + painful need to impress or please others because I was overlooked as a child.
I encourage you to think very deeply about WHY you feel inferior/subhuman…Write that down. Then do what another redditor suggested and write down the wins (without the negative). This could help you.
*also Lookup the Toyota 5-Why’s (essentially if you have an issue….you ask yourself “why?” 5 times and it’s likely that you will find your answer). I like the tool and I use it weekly while self-reflecting.
Connect with yourself. Show yourself love whether others do or not.
Essentially when you strip interpersonal communication and relations down to its brass tacks you get a few fundementals.
1) A good communicator puts their conscious focus/concern on the person they are communicating with. They do so completely, and this affords the listener little to no time and energy to devote towards being self conscious.
– Practice actively listening and taking a genuine interest in the world and others around you that current lie outside youre known normal. This could be the same as saying step outside your comfort zone, but approaching this that way has all sorts of pitfalls from the negative uphill associations.
-That said, its about about engaging whole heartedly with the world and those within it authentically knowing full well you are niave. But thats okay. Wearing your ignorance, inexperience, and naivety on your sleeve isnt anything to be ashamed of, in fact, its empowering. Literally everyone is insecure about their lack of experience and knowledge in all kinds of things in some measure or perception. By throwing caution to the wind and not allow your insecurities to influence the identity you take on you open yourself to creativity and the possibilities you can choose to grow into.
2) New experiences will show you new sides to yourself that will challenge what you thought orignially about yourself before.
Youre not a rigid being, you can learn, grown, adapt, and transcend…its just a matter of attitude and perception of so called “set backs.”
Think of it like this:
If you became inactive for 3 years and ceased exercising your body would atrophy and lose stamina, flexibility, and muscle. Perhaps you accumulated some fat and some other bad habits too.
Most people dont despair when they finally go back to an active lifestyle because they understand rebuilding their body is not an over night process. Its a crawl, walk, run experience that takes paitence.
In the same token you have to be paitent and disciplined pushing your boundaries of your identity and what your capabilities are. You might put your foot in your mouth most of the time, miss social ques, and genrally be insensitive to what is the subtle side of socializing…but it doesnt mean you can build up to it with some perseverance and grit. (Im making out as work, but its not, its exploration and learning remember).
3) Intelligence is empathy.
You want to connect with people? Empathize with them on a human level and treat them how youd like to be treated. With compassion and understanding. Drop your ego and insecurities and speak and listen to simply understand and be present in the moment with those that are there with you. Youll be amazed how by letting go of expectations how liberating and fun it all can be.
Others will resonate with you and soon it will be a party. Just remain humble and act out of your humanity towards others. Dont sweat being a virgin or socially awkward. Just accept those things and express yourself honestly. The right people will find you and youll have all the experiences youre worried will pass you by sooner than you think.
But please, remember, its a process, and be mindful of your expectations and what is within your control. Dont manipulate others or compromise yourself, keep your integrity and grow in a sincere and honest way. Keep your wits about you and listen to your gut when you think your being taken advantage of. Everyone is a novice at some point, and too often they remain one because they find a reason to quit on themselves.
That said, you will have to take a leap of faith and trust others to respect your vulnerability and investment in moments…and you will get burned. But dont quit on people or yourself. We all fall down time to time. Just dont let failure define you or your narrative, learn from past setbacks.
Remember to have fun, not to take yourself too seriously, and always strive to bring understanding to others and yourself.
Good luck.
Pro tip: nobody knows you haven’t had sex unless you tell them.
The past doesn’t decide your future. but if you let it, your past will become your future.
It does yourself no good if you keep reinforcing that you’re sub-human.
Why not see yourself as on a different time scale than others? Just slower. But not sub-human.
If you’re a rabbit, and you judge yourself by your ability to climb trees, you’ll always look stupid to yourself. It’s the same as your social skills or overall life. You might be a more introverted person but that doesn’t mean you’re worthless.
You gotto find what you can start with, from the most basic social activities. Or you can even record yourself talking to yourself to get used to talking.
There’s no too small a place to start with. If you have the will to change, you’ll find a way.
I’ve recently posted 2 threads [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/vcusq2/social_skills_tips_part_i_social_anxiety_challenge/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) and [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/vdmr38/social_skills_tips_part_ii_improving_social_skills/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3).
It’s definitely not exhaustive, but hopefully you can find some inspiration there.
You’re already better than tons of ppl literally. Many are in your situation yet don’t want to change, but you’re looking for a way to change. The first thing is to stop degrading yourself.
Does it help to know that all other feel the same. Just try. Everyone is happy to meet people, same for the people meeting you.
Set and achieve personal goals so you feel proud of yourself. It’ll seriously boost your confidence. Maybe in a hobby or in a career- I sincerely believe working on goals will, as a side affect, more you feel superior. Good luck
A true friend will not only not judge you, but also admire you, treasure you and celebrate you. Do what you love and connect with people who have the same interests. Sending you love.
I doubt ppl see you as inferior but they may be getting the vibe that you want to be left alone.
You could try something non threatening like a summer art/cooking/philosophy class to be around ppl who you’ll never have to see again.
Martial arts or dance is good for teaching you to own the space that you’re in
On the plus side you’ve got nothing to lose and being alone a lot can you make you less needy.
I’m just like you as well. Someone down here said something like “give a not good vibe from thinking you’re inferior” and this unfortunately is true, In rare occasions I hang out with some old school friends and when there is someone I don’t know or we are in some crowd place they often comment about how I’m acting different, looking on the floor, stumbling down on my words and just being the most negative person in the world. And that sucks, I want to act normal, I want to be part of the convo, I don’t want to feel like I wasted all of my youth. Try to change your body language to attract friends, stay on straight posture, pay attention to the intonation of your voice and be curious about everyone you want to know, ask stuff. The more you do it the better and easier it gets.
I saw that you don’t go out to grocery shopping and I think you should to that (or maybe just go somewhere you will have to interact with at least one, even random, person). People recognize you if you go to the same place some couple of times.
I’m really introverted and self-conscious since my 20s and this helps me to not get so rusty with small talk, by doing that I got some friends for example the cash lady on the supermarket and another one on the convenience store, we don’t hang out or talk via text but I take that as a training -small steps-, it feels really nice to ask them “how was your day?” and for just 5 minutes try to be the person I want to be in the future: gentle, communicative and funny. Things that most of the time I think I’m not, but if I’m not, why do these people bother talking to me, be gentle to me as well and even remember my stupid name?
You’re far from inferior, but I know how hard it is to get out of shell, you need to find ANY reason to go out, go for a walk, go buy some chocolate, go to the pharmacy, go buy some clothes on a real store, find something to do that you like! Staying indoors won’t help much and only makes everything worse within the time. Really hope you can do it!
You need something called “core beliefs”. Your core beliefs should be something like “real man arent afraid to socialize”. Or “there is no alpha or beta, theres man or bitch”. You must be honest with yourself and call yourself out. Comfort is always gonna be your worst enemy. Have a look around you, do you want to be like all these bitches who show up every day with no results? Is it harder to simply make the first step in socializing, or is it harder to be lonely your whole life? It all starts with core beliefs. It may sound impossible right now, but just start saying to yourself “i am confident and personable, and i have a lot to talk about” and do it every day. Positive mental attitude.
Meet and talk to people with no expectations.
Forget about yourself and what people may think of you and focus on thrill, get interested in them, try to help them, try to be nice and make the effort to deepen connections with people you like and who seem to like you.
After that it’s just practice.. The more you socialize the better you’ll get.
Instead of isolating yourself to video games and p0rn. Hit the gym and work on yourself, read books and watch videos about socializing and interacting with people. because its a skill like anything else. Change to a job where you’re forced to socialize more with people, eventually you’ll get better and no longer feel inferior and ‘subhuman’ thus, breaking the cycle. And maybe you’ll even get laid along the way 😉 GL
I stopped going out bc I was ashamed of how much weight I had gained. A part of me knows that Im not actually big, Im just no longer the 90 lb twig with an eating disorder that I was in highschool, but my familys toxicity around weight (and general lack of self love overall) is pretty deeply rooted. It makes me sad thinking of what Ive missed out on bc of it. So I feel your struggle of feeling youre not good enough for anyone.
The only way to start changing your life is by figuring out which parts of yourself you do love and working on them so they become bigger and show more than the parts that you dont love.
As for meeting people, its about shoving yourself out into really really uncomfy zones. Generally, proximity and frequency are necessary to develop new friendships, so you have to establish something in your routing that has you seeing a group of people on a fairly consistent basis. Volunteering, meet up groups, fitness classes, classes, going back to school for something. You can do this! Its never too late.