I(33F) have been dating with this guy(33M) for a few months. We are not in an official relationship just dating casually.
He is smart, knowledgeable and capable but i believe i am also. We both have areas of expertise and our own interests but no matter what the topic is, he always believes that he knows more than me in any subject or he is better at everything or he is more than me in everything.(More athletic, better social skills, better dressed, better at doing things etc.) I have started feeling uneasy around him. Everytime we are talking on something random, something none of us are experts of, he thinks his opinion is more valid. Most of the times i have to take out my phone and show him google to convince him I’m right and even then he is like ‘yeah i guess you have a point but i was right in a way anyway’ ( even him being ‘right’ is quite a stretch.) He thinks I’m messy and clumsy, which makes me more self conscious and more messy and clumsy because I’m afraid of making a mistake and him pointing it out.
Especially some little things bother me a lot, like i like sleeping with a very thin cover in summer with open doors/windows and i use the thin cover because i don’t like the air flow directly on my skin but a quilt or anything is too hot. I stayed at his place once and asked for a cover to sleep, he told me to get one from the closet, there were some thick quilts so i picked a thin bedsheet to use, he was annoyed because ‘ do you know this is not a quilt to cover yourself when you sleep, this is a bedsheet’ and obviously i do know and prefer that.
Or we were going to go somewhere on his bike and i had a very tight skirt on, so i told him I’d change into shorts. I picked a short jumpsuit and he was like ‘ let me see, well isn’t that a dress so basically it is same as skirt’ and i told him it was a jumpsuit and the bottom of it was not like a skirt more like a shorts. He didn’t believe me. I had to physically show him how it is like a shorts to make him believe it was not a dress. That is a jumpsuit i own and have worn a million times yet he believe i don’t know the difference between a skirt and shorts or smt?
Or we were on the road to a new place I’m not very familiar and told me to open the navigation on my phone because he was driving. I let him know i don’t usually drive and i don’t know the roads and i don’t really know around here so I’ll just pick a random place in the town we’re heading to see the general direction we are supposed to go then put my phone for him to follow navigation. The navigation took us to the general direction of the town but not the center as he wanted and he was extremely annoyed at my incompetence. He was like ‘How can you not do even such a simple thing?’ and i felt really embarrassed.
We are getting along great and have a really good time other than that, i usually like talking to him (unless it is a bit of funny thing i know about this and that and he thinks I’m wrong), i do think he is very smart and he is very kind/nice mostly.
Do you think his attitude should be a deal breaker or a sign of a worse character trait/red flag?
I have tried to talk to him about this issues and he seemed to listen and understand but after that when this topic was mentioned, he was like ‘yes i know you are very sensitive and emotional getting upset easily over small things’ so i don’t think he really understood. Or maybe i am in fact very emotional and sensitive? I don’t know.
TL;DR; The guy I’m dating thinks I’m not as smart, knowledgeable or capable as him and shows it very openly. When i tried to communicate it makes me uncomfortable he thinks it is because I’m too sensitive and emotional.
31 comments
This would be a huge deal breaker for me, personally.
Few months, this is annoying you. It’s going to be even more a pain if you have to deal with this daily and live with this attitude. He’s not suddenly going to give you more credit, so this is a dealbreaker. You’re already discounting yourself, because he’s telling you these things. If you are doing that and he’s doing that, what’s left of your opinions?
I could say, why put up with someone who makes you feel constantly shitty or self conscious. I could ponder why you’d tolerate someone with such an ego, such narcissistic personality. But you’re dating, not really an item officially? If that’s the case, this might not be as difficult to split from, right? Because you two aren’t too intertwined, not really, technically together, I guess I ask, you could just not date him anymore, right?
Major dealbreaker. Absolutely not
The real question is why you are you putting up with it when he’s obviously not respecting you?
And I remember he’s doing this during the best behavior getting to know you times..
This guy sounds like an ass. Why do you want to continue seeing him?
This guy sounds like an asshole. Why are you sticking around for this?
He thinks you’re less than him. Let me break it to you, YOU’RE NOT. Why are you allowing him to put you down and actually think that you’re the problem!? Therapy, OP if you honestly believe your worth is so little.
Jesus Christ this dude sounds fucking exhausting. This is not the behavior of someone who respects you or sees you as an equal, and you are never obligated to put up with it.
Deal breaker
Every which way
God, he sounds obnoxious. Do you think you could put up with this for 40 years? If not, then break up. This is what dating is for – weeding out the annoying guys.
he’s literally wrong about all of this and has a huge ego problem and a lack of respect for you. nothing you can do will change him, actually the smarter or more put together you seem the more he will probably come
back with criticism. i strongly recommend taking some time to think about what you need and want to RECEIVE in a relationship, and simply kindly communicate your needs or decline dating further anytime someone doesn’t want to meet you there.
I’ve known this type of person, and let me tell you, he is going to *ruin* your self-esteem in very short order. He’ll twist you around so much that you’ll start to believe what he’s saying about you, and question your own competence and judgment. Anyone who calls you too sensitive and easily upset is telling you that your emotions aren’t valid – implying that you can’t trust yourself or your own reactions. You’ve already started to doubt yourself. Don’t give him that power over you.
He’s never going to change his behaviour, but there’s a very real chance that he’ll change you. One day you might (as a completely random example) be at the grocery store, double and *triple*-checking to make sure you got everything on the list, certain you’ve missed something – and then end up having a breakdown in the car when you realize you got the wrong size of garbage bag.
For your own mental health and wellbeing, please dump him and move on. Even if he’s absolutely perfect in every other way – you’ll be so much better off, I promise.
My ex was like that. Gave me stink if I told him I already knew what he was telling me about and said to just let him explain it anyways, that other girls would let him.
I was always wrong, until someone else agreed with me. I was immature compared to everyone else. I was always put down.
If you want to give him a chance, really sit him down and explain, but if he doesn’t learn, I would end it. That negativity does affect you
Why are you even trying to make this work? You two are not compatible; time to move on.
I know, dating isn’t fun and all, but people have GOT to get better about identifying when a relationship isn’t working in the early stages of the game. Not every relationship can be saved and not every relationship is WORTH SAVING.
This guy has an ego about as fragile as glass and cannot stomach the fact that you’re every bit as smart as he is, maybe even smarter. Why would you want to spend any more time with him?
Gross. Don’t date him anymore.
Oof this would drive me CRAZY. I had a guy once argue with me about a breed of cat. He wouldn’t let it go that I was correct and he wasn’t, I even showed him proof online and he still argued. I finally lost it and said “You’re a mechanic. I’ve been a vet tech for 9 years. WHo would know better?”
The point is, he’s mansplaining very obvious things to you, being condescending and treating you as lesser than. It’s not going to change, this is a personality problem. It doesn’t matter what your friends think of him, they would probably think differently if they saw him behaving this way.
This dude does NOT respect (or even seem to like) you.
The only thing I could see him being annoyed with is the weird round about gps story, but everything else is HIM waving a gigantic red flag.
Truly **smart** people are smart enough to know they don’t know everything…so either he’s got a personality disorder OR is alarmingly stupid.
Aaaaand I would nope the fuck out of this.
He’s probably doing this intentionally. He wants to put you down so that you start doubting yourself more. Let me guess he’s also controlling in other ways too? Then when you bring up the issue he puts it back on you by saying it’s not him, it’s you for being too emotional.
I could be projecting a bit but when I read this it reminds me a lot of a very controlling relationship I was in. Just be careful, where there’s smoke, there’s fire.
GET OUT. This man is insecure and feeding off your insecurity- the scenarios you’ve explained telling you are wrong even when you are right is a kind of gaslighting. This is an abuse tactic.
You are allowed to not exactly know how to drive to a particular place; it’s called LEARNING. Partners in relationships should build you up, not tear you down.
He has shown your physical discomfort is not relevant or a concern for him.
I am concerned for you as this is a low- level abuse. His flipping of you raising concerns as “emotional” sounds like he is a dismissive avoidant.
Look up attachment styles and work on yourself- you should find someone who deserves your time and energy.
I’d be tempted to break up in a sassy fashion, but here I would say extricate him from your life and immediately BLOCK.
I’ve dated this guy before. It doesn’t get better. They don’t see it as a problem, so he’s not going to change.
I know it’s tough when the guy has a lot of good qualities too. My guy was very loving and supportive in a lot of ways, but we just had a lot of ongoing arguments about OPINION stuff: like, I would say I wasn’t into a movie or book that he shared with me, and he would be like, “Please tell me your objections to it in detail so I can explain to you why they are invalid. And I know more about art than you so my opinions are more correct.”
But it bled over into other stuff. Like he’d be telling me what I should do about a problem at work when he has no idea about the dynamics and personalities involved. I am a trained mechanic, and he would ask for my advice about car stuff and then decide he knows better when I didn’t tell him what he wanted to hear.
It was hard to break things off, but the fact is, he just didn’t respect me. A person can love another person but not respect them. And you deserve someone who does both; we all deserve that.
“Do you think his attitude should be a deal breaker or a sign of a worse character trait/red flag?”
“Worse” character trait, like this isn’t bad enough? This guy doesn’t respect you and belittles you. And why do you call him “kind” when you know he does all those unkind things? It’s like you’re trying to date an idea of him while he is telling you left and right that he isn’t that person, and you refuse to see it. It’s only been a couple of months and he already makes you feel bad. How is that supposed to work long term?
Break up with him. Life’s too short for men like this.
In reading your comments and your post it really sounds like A) This guy is a jerk B) you could use therapy.
You won’t find the “right” guy until you can love yourself. You describe yourself in very demeaning terms for things that could be used to describe many! So please, take care of yourself. Ditch this self-esteem leech and indulge in self-care. Try therapy, meditation, yoga. Get to a point where you feel confident and love you and then try dating again.
But this guy? Nope! The fact that he dismisses your discomfort that he’s causing by blaming you should be enough of a cue card to walk away.
How is it even a question that he is treating you badly and that this should be a dealbreaker???
> i know you are very sensitive and emotional getting upset easily over small things
What an utter AH! Why are you putting up with this? You deserve SO much better.
I do not associate with people who tell me I am “too sensitive” anymore. I have come to the conclusion that, “You are too sensitive” is code for, “I do not want to take responsibility for being a mean, hurtful, rude person. It’s not *my* fault your feelings are hurt, it’s *your* fault because *you* are too sensitive.” It’s an easy way for people with low emotional IQ’s to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
It’s a dealbreaker for me now. It took me a long time to realize it’s not normal for someone to hurt your feelings every other week. Your feelings aren’t hurt because you’re too sensitive. Your feelings are hurt because he is treating you with contempt and talking down to you.
He’s really aggressive in proving that he is Right and Smart and More, even when he isn’t. He’s very controlling in general and even when he’s wrong, he’s right, and won’t stop. Even if he was as smart as he thinks he is, why does he need to make you feel dumb? Why does he need to make you feel small? Why must you acknowledge that he is big and smart and right? These are all red flags. He’s starting the grooming process to make you his victim. This is not a relationship you should be in. I am so sorry.
This guy sounds a lot like my ex. He’s a narcissist. You can do so much better. They do not EVER change. You are NOT “very emotional” and “sensitive”, please believe me. Run, don’t look back, and find someone else.
How do you even get wet enough to have sex with this guy? I dried up just reading about him.
Very much a red flag. He is devaluing you and I can feel your self esteem wearing down the more you described it.
Please stop tolerating this. He sounds exhausting. He is not superior to you at all – if anything he has low Emotional Intelligence – but I’m concerned you’ve started to believe his bullshit as it’s gone on. Though your gut is working – I’m proud of you for knowing it’s not ok and making this post as a result.
Frankly, he’s gaslighting you. You don’t deserve an iota of his garbage behaviour and disrespect.
Just end it. And as it’s only casual and been a few months, I’d text him to say its not working out, it’s over, and say not to contact you anymore. Then block him. (Do NOT meet in person at all)
Tell trusted family and friends the whole picture so that you have their support, and in case he reacts because his ego is bruised. A guy who needs to feel smarter than a partner, who he feels the need to portray as an idiot, is genuinely concerning.
If he harasses you in any way, don’t reply, but keep messages or whatever it is, and inform police.