I feel like my boyfriend still doesn’t want the baby and is just staying because he doesn’t want to lose me.
I found out that I was pregnant early on this year, I was preparing to get a tubal ligation but I was too late. My bf of 2 years tried to convince me to get an abortion but that isn’t something I would do personally, even tho I am pro choice, it’s just not a choice I would make for myself.
I told him he was welcome to leave and I wouldn’t hold him responsible in any way for the baby, I can and would do it on my own and if anyone asked I would say it wasn’t his. I told him he would just have to figure out where to go before I started showing so I wouldn’t look like I waited till the baby was here to tell him it wasn’t his. He took a long time and I had fully prepared to be a single mom and raise the baby without a father. After one of my appointments when I heard the heartbeat for the first time, he asked me how it went and when I told him he cried and said he wanted to be a father to the baby and doesn’t want to lose me.
He says he’s excited to have a son because he already has a daughter, but he doesn’t seem to actually be emotionally invested. He doesn’t try to feel the baby move and seems more annoyed by ob appointments and baby stuff than anything. Part of me constantly nags in the back of my head that he still doesn’t want this baby, he never did and never will. His daughters mom has told him in the past that if he wasn’t with me she wouldn’t let him see his daughter like he does, I’ve told him it’s empty threats and she loves their custody arrangement but it makes me doubt if he even wants to actually be with me or if he’s scared she’s going to take his daughter from him. I know he’s a great dad to his daughter and would do anything for her and I know that includes staying with me even if he didn’t want to for fear of losing her.
I don’t know if I’m being irrational, I would love to blame the hormones but even before the pregnancy I wondered if he really wanted to be with me. I tell myself it stems from my ex saying he “always loved me but was never really in love with me” after a decade of marriage and admitted he was afraid of being alone and ending up like our parents fighting over custody (we have a civil relationship for our son and split custody 50-50) am I projecting my insecurities from my ex onto my new relationship? “If he couldn’t love me how could anyone?” Is a question I ask myself a lot and “you believed the last one loved you too, can’t spell believe without lie, quit lying to yourself” goes thru my head when I try to convince myself I’m just being irrational.
I would talk about this stuff with my therapist but she quit a few months ago, I didn’t like the new one the assigned to me and none of the others have openings in my former office. I haven’t had time or energy to seek out a new one since minor pregnancy complications arose, now I’m seeing ob and getting ultrasounds once a week each so going in twice a week on top of my time with my son and trying to prepare for baby (I’m not asking or expecting him to go to every visit at this point, just some of the ultrasounds if he wants). I’m just at a loss and need some general advice on how to address my doubts.
TLDR: I don’t know if he actually wants the baby and have doubts on if he even truly wants me. I offered him an out, he could go and I wouldn’t make him be a father to a child he didn’t want, he chose to stay but I still have doubts. Some of my doubts come from his ex saying she would take his daughter if he wasn’t with me, so he’s sticking around to be a dad to kid he doesn’t want, with a woman he doesn’t want, to keep the kid he already has. Then I doubt he even wants to be with me because my ex left me after a decade saying he never really loved me. I feel like I’m projecting because I truly thought my ex loved me but also feel like I’m just a fool who will keep making the same mistakes and falling into 1 way relationships.
3 comments
It does seem like you have insecurities and negative self talk from your last relationship.
My husband would only try to feel our baby move if I prompted him, but he wouldn’t try for very long. I took it real personal at the time due to my hormones but looking back it doesn’t bother me at all, he showed he cared in a lot of other ways.
He says he wants to be there for his kid, give him a chance. You don’t really give other examples of him not really wanting to be with you so it does sound like projection if there’s no missing context
I don’t know why his ex would say what she did…. Him seeing his daughter has nothing to do with you two being together. If they have a court ordered agreement in place she can’t just keep him from his kid.
You can’t expect him to bond with the baby like you have, it’s not growing inside of him. Most men don’t really get that strong paternal bond until the baby comes out, it’s normal and totally OK. It’s also normal to need some time to adjust to the idea of a new kid in general. I think your terrible ex may be negatively coloring your opinion here.
He can still be a good dad without being super excited for the baby.
Your child will only be a baby for like, a year. Babies grow up, into toddlers, then children, then teens, then adults. This child will be in your lives for the rest of your lives. Just because he isn’t reacting the way you dreamed he would, doesn’t mean that he isn’t looking forward to this new lifelong adventure in his own way.
You also admit that you have insecurities from a previous relationship. I think it’s pretty obvious that he loves you and wants the baby, and all of the negative thoughts are in your head.
Try journaling some daily affirmations to replace your negative thoughts. When you think “he doesn’t truly want me” write down something like “he knows having a baby will be tough, but he’s choosing to have the baby with me anyway, which shows that he loves and trusts me” or something like that.
Also try a gratitude journal, list the things about him and your relationship that you are grateful for. On a related note, you can ask him to temporarily be more outwardly romantic or loving during this tough time. Explain to him that because of the big life change ahead of you and your vulnerability during pregnancy, that it would help you if he could be a little bit more affectionate or expressive. Hopefully he can tell you every day that he loves you, and you will believe him.