Right now I’m living with my parents for a year or so while I switch careers. I’ve already completed my course, and now I’m in the job hunting phase. Recently my parents went on a trip and I’m realizing just how completely lonely and socially isolated I am.
I’ve always seemed to have a hard time making friends. For the last 5 years I’ve worked at a company that has 3 other people in it, and I don’t really interact with them much (they’re all much older than me). I’ve never been interested in dating, and I tried meetup and other social events, but… you meet people, introduce yourself, partake in whatever activity you’re doing, and then… kinda just walk away and maybe see the other person at another event in a month or more. On top of that, right now where my parents live isn’t near any major city, so Meetup is a no go.
I do have a group of friends I occasionally play DND with online, but online get togethers are getting more and more rare as the years go by, as my friends get girlfriends and fiances – I don’t hold a single thing against them for this of course, I’m extremely happy for them. I’m more mad that currently the way society works it feels like if you’re an adult who isn’t interested in a relationship you get completely screwed loneliness-wise.
Any advice on steps to take or things to do would be most appreciated. If things continue like this, I’m not sure what I should do. I’m hoping that if I eventually get a job, maybe I can make friends at a potential workplace (although the internet has told me since I was a kid to not make friends at the workplace, so I’m unsure there). But there is a good chance I freelance, which will once again result in me being alone.
3 comments
Thoughts:
* Recognizing loneliness is an important first step to… not being lonely. So I’m glad you can understand those emotions for what they are.
* You are right that socializing as a young adult is harder than earlier stages in life. In high school through college you’re more or less surrounded by peers on equal footing with similar interests, so it’s much easier to find friend groups then.
* AFTER college your friendships need to shift from relationships of convenience (I’m in the same class, dorm, or room as you in college) to relationships of mutual interests and values.
* You mentioned that you tried meetups, but, frankly, it takes more than simply showing up to build a genuine connection.
* Go be intentional. Push yourself into an uncomfortable conversation with the person sitting next to you at the activity. Go deeper than “Hi, my name is”. Ask them about their family, occupation, recreational activities, or dreams (FORD). Or on the lighter side, talk about hobbies, entertainment, food, or the environment (HEFE). Find something you share and find interesting. Build a bridge there, collect some phone numbers, and meet up for drinks later! You are going to have to make a much larger effort than you are probably used to if you want real friends.
* For now, it might be hard to do this since you are in a smaller city, however, you should make a practice of doing whatever you can now.
* Even if you have to try a new hobby, be willing to go to any social function you can find to get yourself in the habit of being around other people.
* Last, don’t fall into the trap of thinking you need to date someone. If you’re comfortable being single, be single. I’ve found that having a strong community is actually a much better answer to loneliness than a single person.
I would try to participate in local activities and do some volunteer work. Also, it’s ok to make friends with coworkers. You have to make yourself available and foster friendships, they take time and effort.
As someone (34F) who doesn’t like to socialize much but occasionally feels lonely, volunteering is a good way to choose when you want to socialize and the interactions you have with other people are usually pretty fulfilling. You get to help someone else which makes you feel like a useful member of society and they’re normally grateful so you feel appreciated and wanted. Depending on the volunteer work, you also get the benefit of adding additional experience and references to your resume, making you more employable. If you apply to be a volunteer through Volunteer Services of America, they offer to reimburse you for mileage and sometimes you even get an hourly wage (I used to get $10-20/hr for basic household tasks or even just visiting with house-ridden folks + .38 cents per mile regularly.) Occasionally they give you vouchers to pay for any additional travel expenses or supplies, even clothing. This was almost 10 years ago, but it paid just as well as regular employment except you get to choose when you want to work. You can take a week or two off and come back the following week to people happy to see you walking through the door. On the downside, no employment benefits, but it is technically volunteer work and the president sends you an award for your service at the end of the year of you put in over 20 hours of whatever. Sometimes you even make a few friends or learn something new… All of these little dynamics working together are very effective at alleviating loneliness (if you’re not looking for anything romantic) Plus, it can be fun and rewarding without the usual social pressures of trying to meet new people — which can feel a lot like dating, tbh. And if you discover that you don’t enjoy it, you can quit without consequences. I highly recommend Volunteer Services of America if your not sure what you want to do. They get a variety of requests and will try to match you with something that interests you.