TLDR: Feel patronised by my bf in various ways. Wonder if its all in my head or something really is up with our power dynamic. Looking for advice on how to approach this with him and also how to not take it personally and to build my self esteem up from the inside.
Not sure how much of this feeling is from my already exsisting issues and low self esteem. I had an overly critical mother and she had a partner who was incredibly pedantic. I couldnt do ANYTHING without getting “you do realise if you do it like that its wrong”. I was treated like a silly idiot child even as a teen and into my 20s.
With my bf it started when we got together. A lot of over the top baby talk “you’re too cute, you’re so delicate, you’re too lovely (slightly nsfw scene comes on a film, he covers my eyes) “no youre too delicate to see this, you’re too precious” That was cute the first 10 times. And if im honest, I actually liked all this at first. It was the honeymoon phase, it was attentionand sweet. It was obviously over the top so it didnt offend me. But over time, I think subconsciously it was getting to me and playing a part in how it’s lead me to feel now. I completely understand baby talk/going into a role but this was all the time and in conjunction with over explanations about relatively simple things. Every day he would teach me something. I loved learning from him at first! But everyday something random from out of nowhere was explained.. no asking beforehand “do you know about this?” Or “have you got experience in this?” Just explaining stuff. Whether I knew already or not almost felt besides the point, either way I felt myself getting annoyed at the assumption of me not knowing rather than asking first.
Then there’s acting shocked that I have done or know about things related to drugs or sex and it felt a bit like.. er yes? I’m 32 not 3. But I take it as I’m quiet and dont give much away. But its just this whole combination of things. Each thing on its own is such a none issue but everything together makes me feel like he sees me like some kind of delicate, airheaded doll. I rarely would put a film or song on and the one time I did its “ooh no, not this, this is so cheesy” and he turned it off. I struggle to know what to put on as it is and think everyones judging me. I know hes allowed to not like my choices, I know people i can be around and we have that kind of banter, but feel like i just cant with my bf. Like its a genuine judgement and that im looked down on for what i choose. I just retreat further into my shell and never suggest a film or song anymore.
If we are at a party and someone offers me something, my bf will swoop in and be like “she doesnt do that!?” And im sat there like “er, yeah I do?” Or “yeah ok I dont, but im capable of saying ‘no’ myself?” I have said things about it before but it feels like im being defensive over nothing because of my issues.
Or putting down people who play acoustic guitar and saying its cheesy. I play acoustic guitar. His comments have meant I have never once played intront of him and weve been together over 2 years.
How would you feel in this situation? Or have you been in a similar situation? Am I over reacting or would it be appropriate to bring it up properly in some way? Like i say i have tried a bit in the past but he got defensive and said i sounded drunk and crazy. (I wasnt drunk when i brought it up, but very fustrated and brought it up in the wrong way)
Also, any tips on how to forget what was said in the past? And to not take it all to heart and play these things over and over in my head? It actually seems to have got a bit better since one of his male friends said to him when we were all hanging out (after my bf had called me quiet) “maybe your gf wouldnt be so quiet if you didnt keep talking for her”. Which shocked me, and made me realise maybe im not imagining all this. So its great that the condescending behaviour seems to have toned down but why did it have to take another man to say something for it to stop, not when i said something?
4 comments
Why are you tolerating this? Is he the only man in town?
What good reason could you possibly have for staying with a man who doesn’t respect you?
Why is your response “I need to learn to put up with the disrespect” and not “I deserve better”?
I would explicitly have talked to him about some of this. such as, “Okay, the babytalk was cute at first, but I’m over it now.” And with the explaining, I’d point out, “I don’t need you to teach me that.” When he acts shocked, I’d ask,”Why is that so shocking. You seem aware of this stuff, so why wouldn’t I be?” I’d tell him I’ve noticed he has a bad habit for speaking for me around other people, and he needs to stop doing that. But with the yucking your yum and being judgemental in shallow and stupid ways, well, that is pure immaturity on his part, and I’d have to consider if I want to be with someone that immature at my age. When I was younger, I put up with that, but I wouldn’t do that nowadays. And someone in their forties shouldn’t be so childish. But if you are not planning to just leave him, then I’d say something like, “I’ve noticed you are very critical in shallow ways. Like saying negative things about liking certain types of music. It’s fine for you to not like some music – nobody likes everything, but to judge other people over whether or not they have the same tastes as you do is really shallow and annoying. I get we all have our faults, and I still care about you, but I expect you to not turn off my music even if you do not like it. You can feel free to respectfully ask me to change it to something we both like, but not to insult it or me or people who do like it, and you should know that when you do make those insulting comments, it makes it harder for me to view you with respect as a mature adult.”
I admittedly have a low threshold for being annoyed and the first time someone covered my eyes during a sex scene while watching a movie would have been the last. I can’t imagine how I would have reacted if he spoke for me. And if I couldn’t be myself I can’t imagine I’d be happy. But that’s me.
I kind of love your friend who spoke up, though.
If this is the case, why are you with him? Is your opinion of yourself so low that you are willing to be with someone like this because you don’t feel you deserve better?