My partner (29F) and I (32M) both split chores and cooking virtually right down the middle. However, when she takes the tasks over, it is virtually always when I am absolutely exhausted from work and commute, in addition to some genetic issues that cause me grief sporadically.
I have repeatedly told her that she has -many- more preferences in the food department than me. So usually when I’m like “can you take care of food tonight” I’ve reiterated and vocalized that I do not give one shit. Food, there, me eat. Coffee. There. I drink. She already knows my basic preferences. I’m as easy as it gets, she knows this.
So this isn’t some “dude who never does chores is an ungrateful cunt”. I hope. Hear me out.
We agree we share the workload around the house well. It isn’t that. She has a lot of likes and dislikes and moods food-wise. I do not. I’m a garbage disposal basically.
Also when I’m asking for an assist, like I said, it’s cause I’m whooped. So my coffee this morning (which I’m very thankful for!) went like this:
What type of coffee do you want?
Ah, whatever’s around
Do you want a pour over or French press?
Either is fine
Do you want creamer?
(She knows if it’s dark creamer yes if light creamer no)
Do you want just creamer or like part soy milk part creamer?
Don’t care
Do you want me to add any sugar or anything
No (I never do)
Do you want a big mug or small mug?
(I always want a big coffee)
At this point, I’d regretted asking. The thing is, she knows the questions aren’t needed. Food is this but x20. Between 30-60 questions. When I will eat a dead rat put in front of me if I don’t have to cook it.
How can I get through that she can just do her thing and I will be stoked and that I’m just not in a mood to field an interview panel for a cup of coffee?
TLDR; equally split chores and cooking home, partner asks a lot of minutae questions for simple favors to someone who will happily inhale what is put in front of them, to the point of rather just not asking for stuff and shifting the load to me (disturbance in the 50/50 split) to be asked less questions.
34 comments
Food. “I’ll have whatever you’re having, exact same way. Thanks babe.”
Coffee. “Mind bringing me a big (black) coffee (with X cream and X sugar) love? You’re the best. Thanks.”
She’s doing you a favor, however you frame it. The fix isn’t criticizing her for catering to specifics for you. Expect it and announce ahead. And slather on some gratitude cuz it’s hard to read inflection but I’m feeling some entitlement reading this.
It sounds like she is just trying to be thoughtful. You mentioned she is maybe more picky than you when it comes to things so I would guess she’s just trying to make it the way you like it. She is picky herself so she only has that to go off of. It sounds like you are upset she doesn’t remember exactly all of your ~simple~ preferences for things. Here’s the thing though, sometimes people surprise us. They want things a different way today than they did yesterday. Or maybe they don’t, we won’t know until we ask I guess. I don’t think she’s asking all these questions to annoy you, she just wants to make sure it’s exactly how you like it probably because she has an exact way she wants things. Maybe to stop the questions you can state before hand exactly how you would like the coffee or dinner made. For example, “I’m really exhausted thing morning… do you mind making me a large cup of light roast coffee with no creamer or sugar added ?”
i’m not sure the best way to handle it other than trying to start an open conversation ab it, but this sounds v much like myself & for me it’s a result of a lifetime of people (mostly my mother) asking for xyz & telling me to just pick whatever & that it doesn’t matter only to be furious i made the wrong choice.. not that it’s exactly the same for your partner but it might be worth considering that it’s not just an annoying habit but also the product of some conditioning. good luck i hope you can get a nice coffee & hot meal without a full interrogation soon!!
No, that looks like a delightful new form of weaponised incompetence. Maybe call it “psychological torture helpfulness “: she’s being considerate in a manner so exhausting and annoying that you will never want to ask for help again. Cunning.
I think because she’s particular about what she likes she assumes others are as well.
I sort of went through this yesterday with my partner. We were dealing with a stressful situation and he offered to go pick up some drinks (I swear neither of us are problem drinkers. It was just one of those situations where a couple drinks to calm down doesn’t hurt.)
Him: What do you want?
Me: I literally don’t care (he knows what I definitely will not drink and it’s a short list)
Him: Well what DON’T you want?
Me: Names off a couple drinks/brands he already knows I dislike.
Him: Well do you want beer, hard seltzer, etc etc etc
Me: I literally DO NOT CARE. Get whatever you want, I’ll drink it. (There I fixed it)
Him: (Lol nope) If you want something specific I’ll get it.
Me: Babe. Seriously. I just want a couple drinks and to relax. I will drink WHATEVER you’re getting for yourself as long as it’s not X and Y. If you’re getting X or Y then surprise me. I really. Don’t. Care.
Him: Ok.
Also him: Calls from the liquor store.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
She is particular about she’s happy with. She knows what it is to be given something SHE doesn’t like. She also wants to make you happy. Look at it that way.
I learned yesterday I have to be specific with my partner. We’re still kind of new so still learning things like this about each other. If it really doesn’t matter I’ll just name a couple SPECIFIC things I’m ok with. “I’d like a Modelo but if they don’t have that…..” type of thing.
That is why i do not go to Subway. Too many questions.
I can understand why this is overwhelming when you’re tired and just want to be handed whatever. As an incredibly indecisive person with anxiety, I relate to your girlfriend. I’ll ask my boyfriend his opinion on something and it drives me NUTS when he says “eh, whatever.” I just want him to make a choice!
We have learned this about each other and now I am more mindful about picking my battles with questions and he will put in a good-faith effort to give me an answer when I ask even if he doesn’t have an actual preference.
What might help is to write out a list of all your coffee preferences and put it up near the coffee maker. That way she can refer to the list if she’s unsure and doesn’t have to ask you. Same with food, maybe make a little recipe booklet that she can choose from when she’s responsible for cooking. I’d recommend supplementing this with a conversation along the lines of, “Honey, I love that you care about my preferences. I mean it when I say I truly have no preference for food or coffee when I’m tired and it stresses me out more to make a bunch of decisions when I would happily eat whatever you put in front of me. Can we try the recipes and see how that works?”
Oh my dude.
It is YOUR JOB TO CHOSE WHAT YOU WANT in life. For everything…and yes, even for coffee.
By being « whatever is fine with me », you aren’t being accommodating, you are being a pain in the butt, asking someone else to take over a decision for you.
And decisions, we all have to take thousands per day. And I cannot stand when someone isn’t choosing (putting one more decision on ME)
So you’re seeing a girlfriend who asks too many questions to be sure to please you.. I see a desperate woman who’s screaming at you to take your freaking decisions by yourself 😀
If you figure it out please let me know, cos my partner is exactly the same. 20 thousand questions about every little thing. He will also interrupt something I’m telling him to ask questions about it, and 99 times out of 100 if he would of just shut up and let me finish, he wouldn’t of needed to ask at all!! Absolutely drives me up the wall, but if I let him see that I’m frustrated by it he gets upset and offended
It can be annoying if someone routinely says I don’t care, whatever, surprise me.
It sounds like a clear difference in how you like to communicate, she’s clearly more comfy with a “high touch” style whereas you really need quiet time to decompress.
I’d be concerned that you are so exhausted.
Maybe you need to rework how you do the tasks so you’re not completely wrecked and unable to hold a conversation.
You need to try and change it up so you’re not routinely getting to that state.
Is there anything you can do to mitigate your load to allow you the mental space you need?
I think there’s a more serious issue here in terms of you being overwhelmed and shutting down.
She’s weaponizing incompetence
We are literally in the same situation with my boyfriend like you guys. 🤣 He says “I don’t mind”, “whatever you like”, “choose anything”, “it’s up to you” to every. single. thing. (mostly food/drink related)
It’s driving me crazy for two reasons:
1, Most of the times I’m busy thinking of work and I just can’t start to think of his dislikes at that moment cause my mind is already busy with other thoughts. When he says out loud what he wants it takes less time for me to think of it. Instead I can just do it right away and be done with it.
2. I’m an anxious person and even tho I know that my boyfriend would love to eat anything or has very few dislikes, the decision making is stressing me out. It feels like I have to take “all the responsibility” on myself and it worsens my anxiety. I told him that I’d appreciate if he took the decision making off my shoulders every once in a while so my mind could relax. Anxiety sucks…
Obviously I don’t know your wife so maybe these are not the reasons why she asks a lot of questions. I’d recommend having a lighthearted talk with her about this when both of you are in a good mood. I know it’s annoying but try not to be too hard on her cause she probably doesn’t do this to annoy you on purpose lol
My boyfriend is sorta like you, happy with whatever, no fuss about anything.
I try to make him tell me what eh wants because I want him to feel like he’s allowed to have a preference. I feel like it’s some sort of conflict avoidance thing (not sure though). It kind of makes me feel sad that any “what do you want” question is usually answered with “anything is fine.”
I’m really picky, so that’s not my answer almost ever. Even at home, if I have multiple options for something, I will have one I want if I’m asked. If I’m not asked, I’ll be happy with whatever because I bought all the food in my kitchen so obviously I like all of it.
So when he says “oh whatever you make” I will often say “but what do you WANT? You’re allowed to be in the mood for something specific” which works maybe 50/50 lol
So I’m not sure of this is her angle on it, just wanted to share a perspective on what her motivation may be.
Lot of things that might be going on here.
Anxiety: she has known some picky eaters and is genuinely afraid of getting it wrong, which would take all your enjoyment of the meal out of it (SHE FEELS, I hear that you don’t feel that way and would be happy with whatever).
This can be easily fixed: think about your week in a quiet moment, put some simple meals together and some 2- 3 coffee variations and write them down. Eg
“The usual” – black coffee, filter, strong, no sugar or milk, big mug”
“Deluxe coffee” – French press, 5,5 minutes, 1.5 TS of soy milk, 2 grams of cinnamon, medium mug”.
When you’re tired, you pull a card. You ask her to get you what’s on.the card.
Adhd – she wants to make food for you but the mental load is too much. I hate cooking with a passion, so I’ve reduced it to 1-2 staples and one (1) way to make coffee. You want extras, you talk. She may be thoughtful AND overwhelmed.
The solution is the same – cards with clear instructions.
Weaponized incompetence – she doesn’t want to do it and asking you enough questions to make you regret asking is the point. No amount of cards in the world will help. Good luck.
I have a different perspective than the responses I’m seeing about anxiety.
I have trouble visualizing things, and when someone says “bring me anything, I don’t care,” my brain goes BLANK. “Anything” also means “everything,” and that is TOO MANY THINGS. I find myself incapable of narrowing things down. I NEED a framework, a starting point, in order to start plucking ideas and choices from the miasma of EVERYTHING, and then I can work within that framework. So, having two opinions or starting points can really help me. I.e. “something spicy” or “not pasta” or “a sandwich” helps. Or when narrowing down specific drinks or items, have her ask “do you want A, B, or C” and by that I mean literally ask you the letters, and when you say “B” she do whatever letter B corresponded to.
Have you tried being more specific, instead of just “coffee”?
She has preferences, and assumes (like most people) that you would also have some. Next time, try saying “pour over coffee with dark creamer” or whatever. She’s doing you a favor to help you out, so if you don’t want sixty questions, be more specific.
My spouse and I do this, too. I am like you, I’ll eat whatever she gives me.
She wants more input.
I think it’s called Executive Disfunction? When a person is too tired mentally to make a decision. When you are so exhausted you are at the “I don’t care, just feed me, Seymour.” point, she could also be at the point where choosing between tater tots or steak fries is too much.
So you think you are making it easier on her because she’s the picky one and you’ll eat whatever she wants when actually it stresses her out to have to make all the decisions without you.
Moral: just say “I’d love a BLT, do we have the stuff? “
Food is probably her love language. Just tell her exactly what she wants. She’s trying to be thoughtful
I can understand the annoyance from this but considering how I used to be someone who did this for my partners, I also understand the need to make sure my SO is happy with what I give them every time.
I suggest communicating how you want something you’re asked for before she even think to ask questions that way you don’t have to do a back and forth. For me, I’m autistic so every request isn’t communicated in my brain as the same unless I’m told to see it as such. I would probably do the same thing she does until I’m given the hint that “he wants his coffee this way which I can infer from his last five requests being the exact same”
Man. I real sympathize with this, seriously deep in my core.… my husband does the same thing , it’s like they are “doing you a favour” but your still actually on the hook for all the decisions associated with the task. Where’s the pot? (In the dishwasher), Where’s the salt? (Maybe you need to refill it from the pantry), how much oil would you use? Do you want canola or olive oil? How crispy do you want it?
So it sort of ends up in this situation where you don’t really even feel like they have done you a favour because you’ve borne the entire mental load for the whole thing. But on the other hand, they still feel like they’ve done you a favour and expect to be thanked/appreciated as such. So there’s like.. a fundamental miscommunication and net loss or something.
Something that has curbed it for me somewhat, after I identified this, is framing it similarly to how I did above… as “look – honestly, I really love it when you (do insert task) for me. But I feel like to really take the mental load off of me, being responsible for not only the task itself but all of the problem-solving/decision-making associated with the task would be great! It’s really that part of the task being taken care of by you that’s the most helpful part of it! And I promise if you (do insert task) for me, I’ll never be mad at the result! Thanks sooo much!”
Edit to add… I sort of disagree with the “but she’s still doing you a favour” mindset! If the favour didn’t actually end up feeling like a favour to you (lol like when we used to help my mom load the dishwasher as kids but would do such a bad job she would have to unload and reload it), then the ‘favour’ hasn’t worked and literally wasn’t a favour. it’s totally fair to raise. It’s better for everyone… I wouldn’t want to be be working away “doing favours” for my husband if they aren’t actually having the desired effect, it would be a waste of everyone’s time. It’s just a matter of communication what is and isn’t helpful.
If you have nooooo preference, *why can’t you just pick something*? Just list one dish you already have groceries for if it’s that easy. You’re asking her to do the mental effort of thinking of something you might like when she’s already doing your chores.
I’m very similar to your girlfriend that I hate when people say “oh get me whatever” or that it doesn’t matter (totally understand why you’d do it but it’s still stressful for me) as I get worried that I’ll choose wrong for them and make them feel even worse so I’ve started saying “okay Ill get you (insert specific thing)” or telling the person what I’m going to make for them before I go off to do it. They still don’t have to choose but it also gives them a chance to veto it if they don’t like it which takes away the anxiety for me.
It’s definitely annoying for you when you are already tired and stressed but I’m almost certain her behaviour is coming from a place of love and wanting to make you feel better as much as she can.
Did you ask her why she does this? Did she have a mean parent or abusive ex? Is there a specific reason why the questions stress you out? Does it annoy you, make you feel like she’s making too big a deal of being helpful?
Making decisions for you after a long day for her might also feel tiring and exhausting for her. Like it’s one more thing on her mental task list. I think just being as specific as you can when she asks is the most helpful thing you can do.
How long have you been together? It takes some time to learn each others preferences. I have to grill my husband when I cook for him because 9/10 he’ll say he prefers it XYZ after I’ve already made it. So now I just interrogate him lmao
I hate the “whatever” answers. If you don’t care, fucking pick one, don’t make me make your decisions for you.
You’re asking her to do the labour of making choices for you. You might not care, but there is a choice to be made and you’re making her making it rather than making it yourself.
She has a lot of preferences around food, and it’s REALLY hard for someone like that to wrap their head around someone legitimately not caring what they put in their mouth, so being left in charge of their preferences is actually pretty stressful.
Just make a choice, if you think it’s that simple.
Maybe let go of your self reputation of “happy to ingest whatever” and say, “a French press with X creamer would be great.” What you’re really doing is asking her 50% to include deciding for you. This is you being the reason for the disturbance in the 50/50.
Also, maybe relax it has to be 50/50. Sometimes it’s okay for things to be 51/49 or even 60/40 because it gets evened out with other things and/or time.
You just sound annoying
My partner is much like you, he loves anything I make. I do most of the cooking, therefore most of the meal planning, some days though I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to decide for him. But I let him know kindly that he needs to decide because I just don’t have it in me. I give like 3 choices, he picks, I cook. It works for us.
It kind of seems like you want her to remember all your preferences, or maybe you arent as easygoing/accepting of whatever she chooses as you think you are.
I keep a fake coin on my coffee machine for the purpose of flipping. The coffee machine coin has improved the quality of my marriage for sure.
I think what’s happening here is that she’s doing exactly what she would want you to do in the same situation. If she’s a picky eater, she would probably appreciate it if you asked her a billion questions about the food you’re making her because it means you care about getting it right. So naturally, because she cares about you (I hope), she wants to do the same for you. Even though you’d rather she didn’t.
This doesn’t rlly answer your question, I think others have proposed some good solutions, but I hope this provides some insight.
I can bet either her family or her ex was very specific about food and now she asks just in case you get mad at her. Just have a conversation about it, tell her how you like your coffee and that you dont care about food you eat.
She’s doing this because she’s trying to make you happy and make it exactly the way you want it. She may have been in a past relationship where her partner flipped on her if she made a mistake. She could be a little OCD or she could just have anxiety about making a mistake. I ask questions when I’m asking my husband what he wants and how he wants it prepared because he’s the one that’s eating it and I want him to like it. I don’t ask for every little thing because we have been together long enough that I know how he takes his coffee and how he likes things, but if it’s something he isn’t used too, I ask. Better be safe than sorry.