Ive been hanging out with this girl for about a month, she seemed very into me. I liked this girl a lot more then I’ve liked anyone in a long time. We would laugh constantly and had great conversation. She was kissing me a ton and hugging and cuddling and grabbing onto me and my arm and such. When things would get to the natural point of progression sexually she would pull back. I assumed that she wasnt ready and this was a “waiting” thing so I didn’t think much of it.
Eventually I asked what was up and she said that she wants to be my girlfriend and in a relationship together but she doesn’t like having sex or penetration and its a traumatic thing for her. I basically told her that I really like her and respect that. I’m a victim of sexual assault and I would never want to have sex with someone who finds sex to be traumatic and inflict that on them. At the same time I cant see myself in a relationship with someone where we dont have sex because i will feel rejected and bad about myself and such. That genuinely sounds like hell to me. Wanting someone so bad and they don’t want you back the same way.
I told her that I think we should stop seeing each other because im developing feelings for her and i think this will end up making me feel really bad in the long run and will be a toxic thing for my mental health. I didnt want to remain friends because I am the type of person that will fawn over someone that doesnt want them and it destroys me inside and I dont like the feelings associated. The way she sees it is she wouldn’t have sex with me therefore now I want nothing to do with her and that makes me feel really sad because its not the case. The case is that i like her too much and I dont want to keep developing feelings that are just going to hurt me in the end.
In my moments of loneliness I find myself thinking maybe this was petty and I shouldve sucked up not having sex and enjoyed her companionship and im getting what i deserve for desiring a sexual relationship when someone was willing to give me everything but the sexual aspect.
I feel like a pig but I just dont see this making me feel any type of good way. Realistically I need to be sexual with my partner to feel fulfilled in a relationship.
Am I wrong for rejecting a relationship with this person for being asexual even though everything else was on point?
40 comments
It sounds like you set your personal boundries.
Nah you did nothing wrong and you did the right thing. It sounds like you were very nice and upfront about it. And to put it bluntly; if you are someone who needs sex out of a relationship (nothing wrong with either ) and she doesn’t, it seems like you are simply not compatible. And you shouldn’t settle for someone just because you like their company and what not. she should find someone with her values, and you should fine someone with your values.
You haven’t done anything wrong and it wasn’t petty. Sexual compatibility is highly important in relationships, be it zero or any other arrangement. You compromising on it is as unreasonable as her compromising on it. Her view on it is simply wrong, born from a lack of empathy towards you. There is no difference between having more sex than you want or less as far as resentment goes in relationships.
You did exactly what you should have done, at least in the story as you tell it. She’s the one being petty about not getting the relationship she wanted, despite what it would have done to you. She also pulled back and waited with talking about her sexuality, which is a problem when you’re trying to establish a relationship. It lasted longer than it should have due to her actions, whilst you did what you should have when you knew.
“Realistically I need to be sexual with my partner to feel fulfilled in a relationship.”
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Then you’ve got nothing to feel guilty over.
You haven’t don’t anything wrong. Lots of people get into relationships whose values don’t align and it’s a disaster. Your feelings matter ! It’s okay to have wants and needs in a relationship. If someone can’t fulfill those it’s okay to look for someone who can if there’s no compromise on the other parties part. Don’t feel like a pig her perception belongs to her and you can’t change that. You don’t want to be friends because it hurts and that’s okay! Don’t let someone undermine your feelings
You made the right decision. So many relationships don’t work because of incompatibilities in sex drives. So it’s good you realised this before it got to the point where ending it would really hurt
Don’t feel guilty. You explained to her your expectations and she did hers … and they don’t align. Your hurt and that’s natural because you had feelings.
Most marriages end because there’s no sex. It’s normal to wait to be physical with your partner. And if your partner doesn’t want the same then it probably won’t work. Sometimes staying friends will not work either because the feelings and physical attraction is still there.
Don’t beat yourself up about it.
I was in a similar situation recently, difference being I decided to start dating them anyway. Asexuality is just a sexuality, just as much as heterosexuality is. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible. In my case the person I’m dating is more of a gray asexual, but that’s not always going to be the case, just as much as if a heterosexual person likes everything about another heterosexual person except say, their weight. There isn’t any example that gives this situation justice in particular, but you shouldn’t feel guilty for not going through with something you know will leave you unhappy in the end, and possibly make them unhappy as well. If anything, you should remember that you’re doing the **right** thing by stopping yourself before anyone gets seriously hurt. As for her, you might want to tell her honestly that you simply have sexual desires and that you don’t want to inevitably impose those on her when she doesn’t want it. Try not to make it as much about yourself as about not putting her in a situation where she feels guilty for being who she is. If she continues to feel slighted, understand that you are not required to support someone through their trauma, especially if it would cause you stress.
You did the right thing, I’ll go a step above and say that you did the best for her also.
The only regret you might have is if you haven’t at least tried to convince her to open up (sometimes people need a push), but I’m sure she had plenty of opportunity to open up regardless.
I dont think most people would be happy in a sexless relationship. It’s like our main natural urge, do not for a second feel like you’re in the wrong here.
Oh man, I just came out of this situation too but the girl was poly and had a bf. I said let’s stay as friends as I’m really into her but will be keeping my distance now as it hurts a lot
The best thing you could have done is be honest and upfront about your needs.
You did that.
No need to feel guilty.
You are not in the wrong for ending the relationship due to sexual incompatibility. Much better to do so now than to compromise, get more emotionally involved, and then get hurt even more if it doesn’t work out. It’s a shit situation all round and a real shame when all other ingredients seem to be there. She can’t change her sexuality just as much as you can’t turn your desire off.
You’re good, did the right thing.
This is your life, you can turn anyone down for any reason, the only one who is going live with the “what if’s” is you. Personally if I found a man who I genuinely liked and had feelings for, which is so rarer to find in this day and age, I would never turn him down just cause he didn’t want his penis in me, there’s so many other things we could do sexually that doesn’t require piv, but again, this is you and if you think you would have turned bitter/angry cause you couldn’t get piv/sexually satisfied then you absolutely did the right thing pulling away, the girl wouldn’t deserve that either.
You waited long enough time to move on
I’m asexual myself.
You did the right thing. This kind of thing kills relationships if left unchecked. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. It’s better to break up with her now than having this relationship go on a long time only to fail, with you knowing this wasn’t going to work for you right off the bat.
Asexual ? My ass
Like the old saying says…. Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
You know what you wanted and set boundaries that was mature of you
Nothing to feel bad about, you’re not wrong. As long as you ended things in a respectful way, you did everything right and you did both of you a favor. Be glad that you made the right choice and trust that time will heal everything.
You don’t have to feel guilty. You did the right thing, and you were honest with yourself. If you had continued the relationship without sex, that would have hurt you seriously in the long run, and you would have bitterly ended the relationship eventually.
What you did was good, you can be proud of yourself
Why would you deny yourself sex? It’s perfectly healthy and natural. You two aren’t compatible on a fundamental level. That doesn’t mean you can’t be close friends.
Also, did you discuss an open relationship with her? She gets you, your company, kisses, and cuddles, but you openly have a FWB that you rail a couple of times a week with no strings attached.
Nope, don’t feel guilty. You’re just not compatible.
Just because she is asexual doesn’t mean that she can expect a sexual person to conform to her standards for a relationship. The answer is that you two aren’t compatible and it’s time for a breakup. Honestly, it’s shitty of her to guilt you with “I won’t have sex with you so now you’re dumping me, boohoo”
It would be abhorrent for you to push her into sex but it is equally wrong for her to guilt you into giving up your sexuality to satisfy her lack thereof.
Long in short: you did the right thing and a small fuck her for guilting you instead of moving on gracefully like an adult.
A lot of women don’t understand how shitty we feel when we pine for someone but it doesn’t reach intimacy. That our feeling terrible is an extension of loneliness and longing, not anger over being denied sex. That we don’t feel entitled to sex; just heartbroken in their presence, until we can move on or silence
our feelings.
At least some of are like that. There are also monsters who do every cruel and twisted and entitled thing women complain about.
My advise? Be cordial and keep lines open, but take your distance until you find someone new. Which will happen. The pain will fade, and be replaced by sone other attraction. There’s no need to lose a friend long-term over short term heartbreak.
You did nothing wrong. Libido mismatch can destroy relationships. And while I can empathize with the struggles ace people have finding romantic partners… its not fair of them to expect that to not be a deal breaker for people with normal to high sex drives.
I’m on the asexual spectrum and I want to say that you did the right thing. I’m always upfront about my sexuality because I don’t want somebody to stay with me knowing that we don’t have any sexual compatibility. A lot of people will try to force their desires onto me thinking that my sexuality isn’t valid or that I’m only playing hard to get or something. The reality of dating anybody within the asexual spectrum is accepting that you have to be okay with being in a relationship with someone that doesn’t need much or any sex to be happy. A lot of people need sex in a relationship and it’s not a bad thing at all. Your needs are valid just as her needs are valid. It’s better to leave now then try to force a relationship that doesn’t have enough compatibility or chemistry to work in the long run. By breaking off the relationship you’re giving her an opportunity to meet somebody else she’s more aligned and you’re giving yourself the same opportunity too.
The only other suggestion I have is poly. Some people that are dating a partner who is asexual will open the relationship so that they can still have their sexual needs met. However, that’s a really involved relationship dynamic to be in and it takes a lot of trust and communication to build. Some people are open to it but others aren’t due to their personal boundaries.
The way you handled this is ideal. You were mature and up front about what you need/want and you let her know. You care about her, which is why you feel bad and really that’s not a bad thing either. But ultimately you did the right thing for both yourself and her. Kudos to you for that.
Nope. Not at all.
it isnt disgusting to want sex from a partner. i would have been disgusting to force or coerce her which u didnt do. u want sex, she doesnt. yall arent a good fit and u did the right thing🤷♀️
You are not wrong. Sex plays an important role in a relationship and denying yourself that intimacy would lead to resentment and an unfulfilled relationship for you. To me, it doesn’t sound like she’s asexual, it sounds like she is traumatized and has a lot of work to do with her therapist. Either way, she cannot give you what you need in a relationship and continuing it would be unhealthy for you.
I think you’re thinking way too much and putting a lot of unnecessary guilt on yourself. Plain and simple the two of you were not compatible. That’s all.
Seems good advice has already been provided by I side with those who have said you handled it well. The only alternative I could see is an ENM relationship where she would be ok with you having sexual needs meet elsewhere and you would be ok with it too. Don’t beat yourself up over it and, if you think you 2 can handle it, try suggesting ENM to her. The worst she could say is no and you’re not in any different position (either one of you). Good luck and if it doesn’t work out, there’s no doubt another, better fit is out there for you.
Dont feel bad you have zero reason to. You need sex in a relationship she needs no sex. You are not compatible. You saved both of you some bullshit
nothing wrong here bro, if you dont feel it could work you just dont..
Don’t feel guilty. You seem very mature and took the decision that felt right for you.
You didn’t do anything wrong. If she is asexual, she needs to seek a partner that is also asexual. There’s no harm in her doing that, or you doing what you did. Sorry that you feel bad about it right now but imagine later when you’re much more emotionally invested.
Sorry man.
Good job setting boundaries.
I think you ending this relationship is valid. You ended it because you know that not having sex in the long run would cause problems. It’s not like you ended it because she wouldn’t have sex currently. These are 2 very different situations and you should not feel bad for setting boundaries for what would potentially become a problem in the long run.
You haven’t done anything wrong and you handled this with clear, respectful communication. Sexual compatibility is incredibly important and it sounds like you’re just not compatible. Not wanting to be friends with a partner after breaking up is nothing to feel bad about either.