Hi friends, my fiancé (21F) and I (22M) got into a brutal argument. My relationship has been rocky for the past year. Many lines have been crossed (on both sides). It’s so hard for me to be straightforward with her without me feeling like I’m being mean or coming from a place of hurt. I want to love her well, and be the best man I can be towards her. I want our relationship to work through hard times and for us to grow in our maturity together and as individuals so we can unite and be better for ourselves tomorrow. I want to be better than I was today and will be tomorrow. Same thing for her. Any tips?
tl/dr: bad argument happened, lines have been crossed, how can I let her know those things shouldn’t happen and how can we get better?
5 comments
You probably shouldn’t get married if you can’t set boundaries in a healthy way. And setting them “from a place of hurt” isn’t the fault that you act like it is. It’s because of hurt that you want to set the boundary. Why is that unacceptable? But given that you would also like to know *her* boundaries, that’s a good place to begin. “Hey, I don’t like when we did x,y,z. What else do you think we should not do in an argument?” And I think that begins the convo
> My relationship has been rocky for the past year. Many lines have been crossed (on both sides).
Call off the engagement for now.
Personally if a relationship at this young has been this bad for a year it’s probably not worth the trouble. But if you really want to make it work you need to go to couple’s counseling.
I recommend you try couple counseling if you can afford it. There are a lot of online options that are cheaper than in-person therapists.
If you can’t afford it, then I recommend you watch this tv show called Couples Counseling. It aims to show what happens in a therapists office. They use real couples and a real therapist for their sessions. I’ve personally found that I can see similarities with my own relationship issues with the couples I’ve seen on the show. The show is streamed on Showtime. The first episode is available for free on YouTube.
Another recommendation is for both of you to do journaling. Write all your thoughts down when you’re feeling angry or upset with each other so you can try and work out why you’re angry or upset. You could be triggering each other’s traumas from the past.
It’s going to take a lot of work from both of you to try and find a way to communicate with each other without hitting below the belt. There’s a point in arguments when both parties just want to win and that’s not helpful for the relationship. It’s important to be aware of when you’re about to reach that point and to take a step back because things said cannot be unsaid. Good luck.
Why has your relationship been “rocky”? What lines did both of you cross? How was that handled when it happened?
* Talk when you’re calm, not when you’re upset.
* Talk like it’s both of you versus the problem, not one against the other.
* Emphasize how you felt hurt and what you felt was uncalled for. Ask her to explain her side of the matter, and both of you make an effort to actively listen instead of flinging blame.
* Don’t let disagreements devolve into unproductive arguments. If one of you needs space to calm down, take that option instead of resorting to insults, low blows, name-calling, screaming etc.
* Don’t let gripes fester, because that’s how you get resentment.
* Once you discuss a grievance or forgive something, you let it go. Don’t bring it up again as a means to attack your partner (this goes for both of you).
* Discuss boundaries, what is irreconcilable and what can be compromised on.
If your relationship has been rocky for a year, then definitely do not get married any time soon. You’re both so young and probably should have waited to get engaged in the first place. I’m sure that probably contributes to some of the problems you’re having. Most people in their early 20’s are still too emotionally immature to handle the complexities of relationships in a healthy way. That doesn’t mean you both can’t try to work on it though!
If this is someone you plan to spend the rest of your life with, you should be able to communicate with her honestly. When arguments happen, decide together what should not be tolerated (i.e. screaming, etc). Allow yourselves to walk away and give each other space. Not every single problem has to be resolved right then and there; being able to have alone time to process will make it easier to remain calm when you are together.
Just sit her down and say “I want this to work out but it won’t if we continue to argue and cross these lines with one another. I made mistakes too and I want us both to be better for each other. How do you think we can work on doing that?” It’s important to be straightforward. Try to discuss the root of the problems. What are you arguing about? Discuss them when you’re both in a good and happy space. Couples tend to talk about problems when they are upset and mad, but ignore them when things are going well. Don’t be afraid to disturb the peace if it means preventing more arguments down the line.
As others have suggested maybe going to couples counseling would be a good idea.