So I (30F) after working for 2 years on wfh environment, I got a new job with 35% hike on a bigger global brand and also one which is next level extension to my current profile. So kind of a very good change. The issue is that it is 100 minutes commute 1 side, and therefore my life revolves around, waking up at 6:30, doing some basic household chores, leaving home by 8 and work from 9:30-6:30 and coming home by 8-8:15 (depends on traffic). Post that tiredness sets in (3.5 hours of daily travelling is quite tiring) and I am unable to do much (except doing dishes post dinner).
My hubby office is 9-5:30 and he comes home by 5:40-5:45, so he kind of remain fresh and energetic (his office is like 7-10 minutes drive from our residence)
Now because of cost constraints (the residential area near my office is 40% higher, anything in between our residence and my office is like 70% costly, we kind of decided that till the time I or my husband gets the big promotion we stay at our current residential area (may likely take 3-4 years though). Plus all my friends are here, so I also don’t want to make a move from our current location. (My husband is sweet enough to say that “if we want to move to a location near my office, it’s perfectly fine, he will travel in that case “.)..that kind of means he will be making a commute of 3.5 hours.
The new job while paying higher is also like 2x more energy sapping than previous work from home one. (Well one of the reasons of leaving old job was that I was not getting any challenges and learning/development exposure plus the work was bit mundane)
Issue:
While not comparing it with my work from home era job, the issue is that we are not conversing much (probably 20% of earlier times) and after dinner, I am almost half sleepy, our sex life has been reduced to Saturdays and if we miss it on Saturday then we can go for like 15 days gap as well (instead of 3-4 times a week), not much moments of deep talks, social outing, and there is this nagging (I might be wrong) feeling of that disconnect and focussing too much on our professional life (from my side atleast).
So on one hand, I am sensing something is going wrong and can become very big (what if disconnect grows , what if we end up being in dead bedrooms by focussing too much in career race, etc.) but I am also too comfortable to rectify it (or probably don’t have solutions to it). My husband also is quite cool about current arrangement.
Married for 3+ years. No kids.
Now I can talk about it, but I don’t have a solution. Husband will most likely say ” hey let’s move closer to your office area” but then the cost and friends part will come into picture for me. That is kind of stopping me from talking about it.
Suggestions?
4 comments
So you work 260 days in a year, your will be traveling 200 minutes a day…. That 52,000 minutes a year on the road. Time 3 years… 156,000 minutes or 4 years 208,000 minutes. That over 57 hours on the road away from your husband.
But then that isn’t counting all the long nights and weekend and will come down the line.
But you have all your friends there… But when will you have time for friends?
Money won’t save your marriage, trust bill gates and all the other rich people who divorced.
What about a family one day…
You get tired of driving and working all week that sex dies on the weekends and stop going out and no vacations until you can…
Your choice
You should read “Your money or your life” by Vicki Robin. The time it takes to get ready and commute to work and home is all part of your “job” and should be considered when calculating your true hourly pay.
For example, if you make 50k a year with a 10 minute commute, assuming you work 40 hours a week that equals roughly 2080 working hours + 67 commute hours a year. Which is 23.20 an hour. It’s 24 an hour if it’s WFH.
If you make 35% more at 67.5k a year with 100 minute commute each way…with 40 hours work + commute time you’re working 2080 hours + 666 hours commute. Which is 24.58 an hour.
All of a sudden, is 50 cents more an hour worth losing 500-600 hours a year with your family / husband ? This doesn’t even include gas, wear and tear on vehicle, etc… if you’re paying for that then this commute just wiped out your true hourly pay and you’re probably making less money for the total time you put in if you’re counting the commute as work. (Which you should because it’s stealing you from your family!)
Keeping this short you need to prioritise your relationship more than your jobs otherwise how can you expect your relationship and marriage to flourish.
You have obviously given this a lot of thought, but I don’t see anything about how you are prioritizing all of these decision factors that you listed.
The most obvious thing is that you are not happy with the status quo. While the new job has enough challenge to keep you feeling upwardly mobile in your career, it is having an effect on you both emotionally and physically. You mention that you wouldn’t want to leave friends behind, but I wonder how often you re seeing these friends since you’ve started your new position. You’ve factored in what would be the trade-off financially if you were to move closer to your job and have found that it would eat up a goodly percentage of the extra money you make. And while your husband is willing to move, you probably feel that after time he would resent you for it.
You mentioned that your previous job allowed you to work from home, I wonder if it was a feeling that you were trapped at home by yourself was as much of a factor as the increase in salary in deciding you wanted to move on. You don’t say if being able to work at home for a percentage of time is possible with your new position.
So, what to do? First, prioritize what is most to least important. The way I would see it:
1. Physical and emotional health
2. Effect on your marriage and if you desire children
3. Career prospects and money (both you and husband)
4. Comfort in your lifestyle (location, friends, amenities)
I moved around a lot both in the military and then as a federal civilian to build my career. At one job, I was like you, I commuted 2.5 hours each way in the DC area. Didn’t matter if I drove or took public transportation, unless I drove and left home at 0330 in the morning but would still have the 2.5 hours going home. I lived where I did because it was close to one of my sons and the lower cost of living at the next to last stop on the commuter rail line. I went through the same thing you’re going through and got sick. The commute and constant fatigue just got to be too much and I really loved that job. I ended up leaving for a higher paying and higher level job that I thought would be the pinnacle of my career, at a much reduced cost of living in another state. That job just sucked the life out of me, and I didn’t realize it at the time but the illness and back problems that were to force me to retire a few years later had begun.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because I see a lot of me in your decision process, and I think you’ve gotten yourself in a jam because you’re now at a crossroads in life and career. Do you gut it out at your position for a few more years to at least have time in so it don’s look bad on your CV/resume? Or do you just cut the Gordian knot you’re holding onto and take a good look at the list of priorities I listed above and find you’d be ok taking a lateral or even downward move to be happier in life?