My girlfriend and I have started having sex more frequently now and she always finishes first. Having grown up in a strict religious background, she is quite conservative and often expects that the male is always the one to initiate intimacy.
I can however tell when she is in the mood, but she never admits to wanting to do it, I always have to trigger something in her via touch or kissing, for her to respond. When she picks up on my hints, she defaults to thinking that all I want is sex (which is not true) and passes comments saying that I just want to use her for her body etc. Its like she cant admit to wanting to have sex or being horny either (even-though she used to at the start of the relationship)
I usually ignore what she says because at the end of the day, she enjoys it, always orgasms and cuddles with me afterwards. I’m conflicted because I don’t know if she just does it to please me, or if she genuinely enjoys it and does not want to admit it. She also knows that it is a safe space for her to say no as she she has done so many times before
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Next time she says that maybe you could stop and say “I’m sorry you think that, that’s definitely not true, so I’ll stop” and see what she says.
Try building up some romantic equity. Do things like back rubs or tingles, foot rubs, head massages. Draw her a bath things like that. More importantly don’t do it with intention to have sex at all just do it because you’re an awesome partner. That equity builds and when the time comes for sex it will feel more organic to you both and thus more enjoyable. Best of luck !
Tell her that it hurts when she says that, because it totally downplays the genuine love you feel for her. You have to put it into words she can relate to.
Tell her that her suggesting you only view her as an object is entirely disrespectful to all the efforts you’re putting in elsewhere.
And also, remember to ask her if she’s feeling like there’s anything you’re neglecting to do. Not just sexually, but just as a boyfriend as a whole. She may feel like there’s another need of hers that isn’t being met.
Maybe she needs you to desire her body …
She needs reassurance that, if you were not in a relationship, you would still lust for her…
I’d mix it up a bit to try to break the pattern.
– Have a talk about it at a time when sex is definitely not on the agenda – anything she’s unhappy about? Anything she wants to change in your relationship? Makes me feel a bit weird when you say this, anything you feel is missing?
– With the religious overtones, if things are getting serious between the two of you, she might be feeling guilt about the relationship. Or she might think that if it isn’t progressing towards marriage, you aren’t “serious” and by extension are using her for sex, not building towards a life relationship.
So if there’s a fundamental problem, hopefully you’ll know about it.
– Try, and only when she’s really horny the first time you do this, playing along with it and making it a bit of a role-play – yes, can’t resist you, want you right now, don’t care about anything except how sexy you look, yadda yadda yadda. Don’t focus on her pleasure, make it all about you wanting her (obviously make sure she’s turned on and if she’s not responding favourably, back off). Afterwards lots of cuddling and I love you and the next day ask her if she liked that “for a change”.
– Also, some times, reflect it back on her – act the same way you normally would with touch, eye contact, kissing; but say the opposite: “no, I’m not in the mood right now but I can tell you are”, “nuh-uh, I love you sweetly and purely but I know you have physical needs you need met”, “you’ve had a tough day, I’m not really in the mood but I’ll help you relax”, “you’re trying to seduce me, looking at me like that, you wont succeed, you wont overcome my will power”. Your words are turning her “complaint” back on her, but your actions are still the actions that turn her on and initiate sex.
– Also, sometimes just focus on her – touch her, go down on her, or just give her a sensual massage, but don’t expect sexual gratification in return
So if she feels things are in a bit of a rut, you’re polarising things in a direction suggested by her words – sometimes yes, you just want sex, and she’s the sexiest woman on earth; sometimes no, you don’t want sex, but she’s the sexiest woman on earth; sometimes she is the one who wants to use you for sex, not the other way around; sometimes it’s about cuddling and touch and sensual contact without sex.
Tell her sure, if I was into fucking objects.
Oh I had this once, conservative Russian girl from a small village… Almost exactly like what you said. So one day I kind of got fed up with it, so I tied her down and gave her the works (oral, foreplay, spanking, caressing, etc). Made her admit she liked it and beg for me to make her cum, I kept her on the edge most of the time… So after about 1.5 hours, she cracked.
It’s common in conservative Christian households to perpetuate the idea that men will only want women for sex. So much so that they say men won’t want to marry women if they’re having premarital sex because, “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” My parents told me this often when I was growing up. Also they said that “if a man love and respects me, he’ll wait until marriage to try and have sex.”
No joke, I had to move 5,000 miles away, live on my own for 5 years, and at least a year in therapy before I realized that stuff wasn’t true. It was literally in a therapy session, that I recounted that to my therapist like it was fact, then had a “holy shit that isn’t a fact” moment.
So, since you said your gf grew up in a strict religious household, my guess is she grew up being told something similar. That men will only want her for her body, won’t love and respect her if she agrees to premarital sex, will never want to marry her, etc.
If I were you, maybe stop when she says that and tell her how you feel about her, then ask why she is worried you only want her for her body. It may kill the mood for that one time, but will hopefully start a dialog so she can begin to let go of some of those fears.
Edited to include: I think ignoring what she says is probably the worst response. It’s not about orgasms or what physically feels good. It’s about being told for your entire upbringing that if you have premarital sex, that’s all men will ever see you as… A sex object. That they’ll use and take advantage of you. Never really love you or want to be with you beyond sex. Etc. I’d strongly discourage you from ignoring her comments and taking her sexual satisfaction as a sign she is actually okay with everything.
What you see is what you get. Either be 100% OK with it or say goodbye and move on.
The biggest mistake you can make is thinking she’ll change or you can change her.
You say you ignore what she says because you think she might be lying (not wanting it when you think she does) but then you aren’t concerned whether she is faking the orgasms to appease you?
Cuddling afterwards isn’t a sure sign that the orgasm was real. Faking it can take work sometimes and so it’s nice to rest.
While you’re probably right on the money that her hang ups stem from religion, do you often share physical affection without the possibility of sex on the table? Could she think that if you hug her or kiss her lightly on the lips just once, that she has to gear up to either say no or do the usual song and dance? Can she change clothes in front of you without getting touched or propositioned?
There’s also the theory that women are more responsive than initiating when it comes to sex. It rarely occurs to me out of the blue “I want sex”, but the moment my bf puts on the moves, I realise I am getting in the mood.
Next time she makes these remarks, tell her something you like about her and her alone. Some small, endearing detail not even related to sex. And on the subject of orgasms – does she admit she finished, or do you just assume?