Context: A guy asked me to get drinks and dinner tonight a few days ago. I said yes and gave him a time window. He said he was putting in a reservation for a certain time, I said it worked for me, and then silence for over 24 hours. I messaged him a little over an hour before the date I could no longer make it due to the severe storms that were in the area. I didn’t hear back until 40 minutes later. He messaged me 20 minutes before the reservation time that he was just now seeing my message. He was upset, but I really don’t see how he could be if he stopped talking to me over 24 hours before the date mid-conversation planning. My question is should the person planning the date confirm the day of? It feels almost impolite for me to as he was planning and paying for it. I was surprised he was upset and almost assuming we were no longer meeting up due to never hearing back.
44 comments
Some people just don’t text a lot and would rather do the talking in person. He could’ve been thinking about the date coming up and preparing himself mentally for it. That also could be why he was upset because he was probably excited to go out with you and more than likely was saving what he had to say for the date. In my opinion that’s actually a pretty smart approach for him. I think like 20 years ish ago that’s probably how things went since texting wasn’t really super big then. Slowly over the years people have become more reliant on texting, that makes it easy for you to always want to be talking to your significant other(s). Not you specifically but I have been in a situation like this before where texting is just regular throughout the day. Since you cancelled due to weather, which is totally understandable, I’d make the move to try and reschedule with him.
Well I guess since he got upset, that’s that.
If people didn’t have to play so many games: who texts first, who texts last, double texts, “match my energy,”
I think you’re both off. Him for getting upset, you for assuming a response was required after you agreed to a time.
You agreed to a time and a place then canceled an hour before. I’d be pissed, too.
If we match on tinder and I ask you out 4 messages into the thing, you say yes and we set a date for tomorrow night. I’m not going to awkwardly keep trying to make conversation. The gap is there so we can anticipate and make a real connection in person.
If we’ve already gone on a date and have established a solid rapport and it’s clear you don’t find frequent texting to be a turnoff, then yeah you’ll get texts leading up to the date.
I don’t always confirm dates depending on the girl and whether we have rapport. Usually very interested women will themselves find an excuse to text so they can confirm the date. They almost always initiate a phone call after that while on the way to the venue which can calm first date nerves and get a little momentum going before the date even starts.
If you also refuse to confirm a date, as an alternative to assuming rejection and canceling you can simply show up. Or as I said find any other excuse to text as the time approaches.
You’re telling me that literally one text would’ve changed your entire outlook on this guy? One “Are we still on for tonight?”, 6 word text? And it’s completely on that guy to send it to you, despite you never trying to confirm yourself?
No. You canceled on a date for an expectedly minor reason (I’ve gone on dates even with pouring rain and thunder) and didn’t offer a raincheck. Now not only did you effectively screw this guy over (He set a reservation and you only let him know roughly an hour before the date happened), you’re trying to blame him for the date either a) not happening or b) him being a walking red flag.
It isn’t his fault and he did nothing wrong. Be an adult. Do some introspection, apologize, and probably just leave this guy alone. You’ve already dealt the damage.
In my experience usually when responsible adults make plans of almost any kind they confirm those plans on the day of.
I do think he should have texted to confirm, but also I wouldn’t feel shy about being the one to double text and initiate confirmation the day of if I were you. I personally hate not knowing if I do or don’t have plans later, and so I feel like reaching out to confirm is better than feeling uncertain.
However, I don’t think his anger was warranted for you cancelling over storms. He was probably disappointed, but you have to consider your own safety and comfort.
On two occasions I have set up first dates with guys where conversation naturally dropped off after the plan was solidified (5 and 7 days away). Both of them messaged around two days prior to confirm we were still on, again the morning of the date, and about an hour prior to let me know they were on their way. I found this very normal and if a date were set for the next day I’d at least like some kind of confirmation a few hours out from meeting.
Edit: to add, if I didn’t hear from them, I’d send something myself because I’m not spending the time getting ready and leaving home without being sure the other person will be there to meet me.
Either party can text to confirm, but lack there of doesn’t mean you haven’t committed to showing up. If you said you’d come, you’ve committed, confirmation text or not.
I can only speak for myself. I communicate clearly when setting up dates and I confirm multiple times. Not in annoying ways, just normal conversation that normal humans use. “How’s your day going? We still meeting today/tonight?” “No my way over, I’ll text you when I arrive. Here’s a picture of what I’m wearing so you can spot me.”
This seems fairly basic and normal to me. Never had any complaints so far. I have had cancellations where we had to reschedule. No biggie. I ain’t gonna get angry about it. We just communicate and make plans again.
Honestly the only times I had a complete no shows was from classmates not showing up to work on projects in college.
You agreed to a time and place. Does he really need to check up on You?
Uhhha day of not talking and a little thunder and your cancelling?
It doesn’t make you look good sis. I’d be annoyed too especially if you knew the weather the day of and waited until literally the last hour.
And it is too much to expect to a confirmation the day of when you confirmed 48 hours ago.
ETA because I said this before.
You are grown fucking woman with a fucking mouth, a working pair of hands and a cell phone. You could have reached out first. You lost out on this date because you expected him to do 100% of the heavy lifting and never bothered to reach out or imitate communication first. Thats entirely on you and not him. If you wanted a confirmation you could have sent a text
Guy here, when I’ve scheduled a first date with a woman I usually avoid texting further at that point until we’ve met IRL.
If it’s only a couple days between scheduling the date and the day of the date, I’ll send a casual text to them the day of, earlier in the late morning or early afternoon, saying “Hey there! I’m looking forward to seeing you tonight :), is 7:30 still a good time to meet up at ______?”
In my experience this has worked well for me. However, if it’s something like a week before our date, I’ll confirm the day before.
I can see waiting to co tinge the conversation until you actually meet up but I usually send some sort of “We still on?” Text the day of
Confirm day of is normal. Usually try to confirm in the morning. Saves alot of hassle and shows responsibility.
“Severe storms” lol. You are everything I dislike in a girl. Rest of the comments already said it, no need for me to repeat. I can’t imagine what an actual relationship with you would be like.
Some guys learn not to awkwardly text every day only to have the date cancelled last minute or ghosted. I think it’s fair to confirm the date the day before, or morning day-of. Not texting for days until 20min before the date is definitely weird.
Also it helps if the person who didn’t plan the date confirms it, because it shows interest and that you remembered/are looking forward to it.
Always confirm
> he said he was putting in a reservation
So he confirmed
> I said it worked for me
You confirmed.
I would also be angry if you cancel so short notice. It seems everything necessary was said. I would have expected no further communication as well. If you needed a further confirmation on the day of, than that is your job because how would he know. For me you look unreliable. If you can’t make it, try in the future to call it off earlier. You both had committed to a time and place. This was not mid planning as you try to make us believe.
This sounds very much like a “no double texting” rule that young people follow because thinking there are arbitrary rules to dating gives them security.
I don’t know how old you are, but I can tell you that like many working adults I get busy sometimes. Sometimes I don’t text someone for 24 hours because life gets exhausting and I can’t. If I’m unsure about something, I ask. It’s not a requirement that he follows up with you, you can just as easily follow up with him.
Personally, I don’t think I’d want to reschedule a date with you if you canceled an hour beforehand due to bad weather (unless those storms were honestly extremely sudden and dangerous).
I don’t think you’re a bad person OP, just maybe a little immature.
This is probably going to sound politically incorrect, but I actually like not having to do the double confirm. For me, making plans is all I need. I like the silence before the date. It adds some mystery and makes seeing him all the more satisfying.
Do you text your doctor on the day of your appointment you’ve booked? Thought not
If a guy doesn’t send a confirmation text, I send one on the morning of. But I would say he has a right to be annoyed. I guess if the storm had just started with no warning 1 hour before the date then it’s fine but I’d still be annoyed probably haha
>My question is should the person planning the date confirm the day of?
No. Why would he?
>I messaged him a little over an hour before the date I could no longer make it due to the severe storms that were in the area
That’s a bit short tbh..
Question: were there actually severe storms in your area?
I’ve had a few dates in the past. And I’ve come across both scenerios.
1. Date is settled guy doesn’t really text anymore. There’s a lot of guys who don’t really like texting (and please, don’t come at me with the “if he’s interested, he’ll make time” well, hes interested enough to take you out on a date.)
Thats fine, as long as the exact time and place are clear to both parties.
2. Guy confirms. Also fine by me.
There’s no rule as such. If you are uncertain, just ask!
I don’t really think that guys mind or find it needy, if thats what you fear. “Hey XY, I’m just checking if we are still on for tonight? Looking forward to seeing you”
To your story, cancelling only 1 hour before would usually not be very polite, did the storm happen suddenly, or did you know is was about to come?
If it happened suddenly, you are in the right, its not like you can control the weather…
If you knew about it (weather forecast, dark clouds, whatever) I think its a little bit rude to cancel only 1 hour prior, and I get why he is upset. (Just trying to give advice, I’m not attacking you in any way)
This is gonna sound harsh, but yeah, this is on you.
24 hours? That’s nothing.
If it’s a week later then that’s one thing. But the next day?
Felling like you were owed a confirmation is petty. You could have sent it yourself, and one hour before is not enough time to cancel unless there is an emergency.
If you can’t show up somewhere you agreed to go without needing to be texted the same day, you might not be mature enough for romantic relationships…
I always message the day off to confirm. No point wasting my night if she’s not gonna show up
Cancelling a date that had been arranged with an hour notice because of rain is a shitty thing to do, that’s on you. He was right to be royally pissed off. Because he was travelling, you literally gave him notice as he was 20 mins out from meeting you.
Why should he follow up on an already agreed date and time? Unlike you, he (and I) are not the type of people to flake on a date with an hours notice, so we not in the habit of checking in on people like you, who like to flake and make it the other parties fault for “not checking in”.
Also – you could have checked in at any point.
If I book a date within a day or two of seeing them, yeah I probably won’t text them again until I’m confirming the date. Because unless it’s something urgent, we can wait to talk about that in person. If it was a week out, then I’d text in between since it is a long gap.
But to back to the point. He should’ve confirmed on the day but you should’ve given more notice.
So: first you made plans, and then you had to cancel them at short notice, and it was frustrating. That’s simple enough. The day of mutual no communication might be strange, but it doesn’t change the fact you both had plans. He didn’t have a responsibility to confirm what you had already agreed, and neither did you. He was right to be “upset” but not to blame you for canceling.
Once the date plans are made, there’s not much to say other than to confirm that you’re still on. Further conversation is saved for the date. His disappointment is justified.
Honestly he should. if nothing else to avoid possible feelings of being ghosted, for either party. Guys do get ghosted on dates a lot and sometimes women do too. Also, if there were severe storms in the area and you couldn’t make it and told him that as the truth, he shouldn’t be upset about that, at least if it is the truth. Telling him that and that being the reason why if genuine shows you’d be open to rescheduling for a day with better weather. The only reason I’d be upset personally is if you sugarcoating about why you were cancelling, because I prefer brutal honesty, but I get women have experienced guys not able to take that well, but anyone actually grown enough could. I don’t think thats the case here, though especially if they just thought you werent coming out of nowhere like that before you cancelled
Doesn’t matter what we do, we’ll be wrong either way it seems….
Personally, if I say I’m going to be somewhere or do something, I WILL be there, doesn’t matter how long a gap between saying I would and the event. But, in my experience (m46) women have not behaved in the same manner.
For example, had a first date a few years back that turned into a relationship for about a year. When we confirmed the date I was actually taking my disabled mother for a pedicure, and the last text was “See you at 7”
I text at 6:30 saying I am on my way, she replied “Sorry, made other plans when you stopped texting”. THIS WAS THE SAME DAY! Still ended up seeing her and being a couple for about a year.
Dating was easier before cell phones, when you actually had to talk to them.
OP you’re kinda the asshole here. 24 hours isn’t exactly an eternity if you’ve never met in person before. I don’t see how you can assume you weren’t meeting up if he said he was making reservations. Id be pretty upset too if you canceled only an hour before
this is why its a numbers game for guys. Dealing with flakes, ghosting, and just bad dates in general.
I mean…you didn’t confirm either? Why is it solely his responsibility? “Oh I thought he ghosted me”…so send him a text? Seems like this situation is on you my dude.
I always confirm because I find so many people are fickle or scared with first dates and often find every excuse not to go.
If severe storms was your excuse, you can’t be blamed for not giving a more advance notice. Which is why I’m confused as to why you brought up “silence for over 24 hours” since that has nothing to do with the storm.
If I was upset, it would be because the storms were not severe enough to keep me from showing up, so I would wonder why they were too much for you.
It is what it is, but bringing up the fact that he didn’t talk to you for 24 hours sounds like a deflection of blame because it has nothing to do with why you cancelled the date.
If you have plans, the plans are on unless he cancels. If YOU want to confirm, go ahead and do that.
Being silent for 24 hours isn’t a way to cancel plans. He was probably waiting to talk to you in person.
The only exception is if in that 24 hour period, you texted HIM to confirm and he never responded to your attempt to confirm.
There’s some strange reasoning happening here. I get canceling because of storms, maybe the storms were unexpected. That is understandable, and if it really was unexpected, I don’t see how he can be mad at something you can’t control.
But what does that have to do with him not confirming? This sounds like a miscommunication issue, however you should definitely assume that the date is still on even if he didn’t confirm. Not everyone knows to confirm, and not everyone expects it either. I’ve had mixed experiences. If I want confirmation and it feels close to the time of the date, I’ll reach out and make sure. It’s far from impolite for you to reach out and confirm. It sounds like you rightly assumed the date was still on because you obviously canceled. It sounds more like you were insecure that you were “ghosted” in the time he didn’t talk to you. But he made a reservation and everything, you clearly agreed, so it makes complete sense for him to assume your date is happening. So what’s the real issue here? It’s confusing
People like OP is the reason why dating is miserable
That’s ridiculous on your part. How about a little suspense for a good thing. If it was days before the date sure. But you said you made a date and then 24 hours later assumed it was off because you didn’t get a confirmation text??? Grow up. Wtf is he your dentist? You made plans. Then you backed out Last Minute because you were assuming the other person was shitty. Turns out you are just one big POS.
I had a guy ask me on a date once, and we discussed a certain date/time. I confirmed this date/time worked for me. That date/time rolled around and I hadn’t heard from him, so I got dolled up to go out with my girlfriends instead. Maybe 10 minutes before the agreed upon time, he texted me and told me he was at the bar next to the restaurant we had decided upon and “lost track of time.” I later found out he was Autistic, but honestly that’s no excuse. He also had a drinking problem. I think, and I could be generalizing, a lot of men make plans then sort of put it out of their heads. We’re the ones who dwell and get excited and nervous. Plans always seem less important to them than they do to me.
I think the main problem here was that the guy didn’t confirm once more before the date to make sure the other person was showing up. You should always check up on the day of the date to see if you’re going to get ghosted. Imagine if you were a no show type of date, there are people who are rude like that. He needs to up his dating skills. It’s not your fault in my opinion.