TL;DR: Boyfriend lost a parent last year. He’s been struggling with his mh since. He told me I deserve better than him because he can’t be there for me how I deserve, and is considering breaking up because he doesn’t know what to do. He still loves me and doesn’t want to lose me though.
I (23f) don’t know what to do anymore, I feel selfish for feeling so sad and anxious all the time when what he’s going through is worse.
He (26m) lost his parent last year and has been very depressed since. We went on a break when it happened but came back together and continued with our relationship.
8 weeks ago, he asked for time and space apart again. He confessed he’s been thinking about breaking up because he thinks it’s unfair on me to “have to” be with someone so ill, and that I deserve someone who will treat me how I “should be”. I told him that I’m his girlfriend and I’m willing to wait for him until he’s ready, be there for him through anything like we’ve always been for each other.
I would do anything for him. For the past 3 years we’ve been together, I’ve never felt happier in my life. He pulled me out of such a dark, deep hole. He was my sunshine, and now the sunshine is gone from him. Our relationship was so beautiful and so healthy. The love we have is immense, and constantly commented on by people. His friends told me all the time how much happier he’s been since us, how much they can tell he loves me.
His mood with me is very up and down now. One day, he’s almost normal with me and texts me quite a bit, or brings me snacks from the supermarket and then the following days, I get ignored, left on read, cold replies, etc. I know it shows he’s trying but to have him one day and then, for the rest of the week, I lose him again, it sucks so bad.
He told me that he still loves me a lot, that I’ve been so good to him throughout everything, that he doesn’t want to lose me, but he’s still confused in his head.
What do I do? I’m terrified of the outcome. It’s affecting my mh greatly but, like I said, I feel guilty for thinking about my own feelings at a time like this. Could there possible a good outcome? I try so so hard to thinking positively but, every day that goes by, it gets worse and worse. I know I can’t put a time stamp on this because he’s recovering but it hurts. We work together and he’s off with me (though sometimes does try to talk to me and be a tiny bit playful) there too, but still is very jokey and stuff with his friends. That hurts to see. It seems to be just me he wants space from.
Any advice, especially someone who has been in either one of our positions before?
3 comments
You two need to take a break.
Maybe 6 months is enough time, maybe a year. During this time you should focus on your goals, and let him be.
I know it sounds trite, but if it is meant to be, you two will get back together. But if it isn’t meant to be, you’ll have to let him go.
Be gentle on yourself.
He needs to go to a therapist to start healing, otherwise you will eventually break up for one or an other reason.
Is he in therapy? Can you help him get into therapy? Because he needs far more support than you can give him, and I think it’s time to have that conversation. Not because he’s sad, that’s reasonable and normal. But because he feels like the solution to his depression is to run away from all his social supports.