Single parents with full social and work life: how do you organize your time to date?

27 comments

1. Still figuring it out, but approaching it from the standpoint that dating is second fiddle to everything else I have and I am continuing to build on my life. At some point, after a few months of dating, I’ll make someone a priority, but until then, dating gets whatever time I have left over after everything else.

   That said, I’ve decided dating isn’t a priority for me, so I acknowledge and I am accepting the limitations that not being flexible with my schedule has early on. Perhaps one day that will change, but that day isn’t today.

2. I’m basically in the same position as you.

   Single dad of a 7 Year old who I have every Thursday to Sunday/Mondays. Very active social like outside of work, I golf 4 days a week in the summers and spend a lot of time rock climbing over the winter indoors, etc.

   The idea of fitting someone into my life on top of all of this seems impossible. The idea of sacrificing my hobbies to make time for someone else right now seems insane. I love my routine and schedule.

   So for now, in this period of my life. I’m enjoying that to its fullest. Who knows where I’ll be 5 years from now but right now I’m enjoying the moment.

3. You are doing more than most people I know who don’t have kids. Of course you’re tired!

   I don’t have anything to suggest here. Personally, I don’t believe that our current boring dystopia (especially in the US) is designed for working adults to have a social life.

4. No one here is giving you advise. You need to reduce your work hours, if you want or reduce your hobbies.No one wants someone whose not around. If you want a relationship you need to make time for someone. It’s that simple. Find the least important activity you are doing and replace it with dating. Bear in mind if you have a full on relationship it will change your other activities as well .

5. I think there are two things you can do. Make initial dates time limited and something you would do anyway, whether that is taking a walk in the park, grabbing coffee or ice cream, or taking a dancing lesson. I find that if I am doing something I enjoy anyway and not investing too much time for that initial assessment, it feels less exhausting.

   I would also think about who in your life could help with your kid to give you a little more me time. I traded babysitting/activity time with sisters and close friends so that we each had some alone time to focus on our own needs.

6. I divorced when my kids were just a bit older than yours and I had 50-50 custody. At the time I had a long commute downtown and my routine was pretty tiring. I also found that the majority of my matches/dates didn’t work out. Subsequently, I sometimes had difficulty motivating myself for these first dates. I began making them low-impact first dates, drinks, coffee, ice cream… In my case, I had to find someone who could work with my every other weekend schedule. Meaning, when my children were with me, the person I was dating wouldn’t get more than text messages from me. The whole thing was sometimes mentally exhausting as well. When I got a little down from connections that didn’t quite work I would take a break from dating for a few weeks. No matter what, my children always came first.

7. Engineer single mom with primary custody of two pre-elementary kids (ex ran off with his mistress right after I gave birth).

   You sacrifice time with friends. Or hang out with friends with your child.

   I’ve done about 50 dates in 6 months (SO EXHAUSTING). I have most of my childfree days available for dating.

   You make time for what you value. It sounds like dating isn’t a high priority for you right now.

   If you want to change that, block off one night a week for dates. You can do 6pm drink dates and leave after an hour. Then do your hobby or social activities after.

   I’ve learned to screen better before meeting. I have to identify something we have in common before meeting. I look at the level of effort in their profile. Video calls are a great tool to verify someone’s appearance and mannerisms. You could make that a step for you. Make first dates drinks only within 15 minutes from your house.

   It sounds like you don’t have FOMO with dating, so you can be picky and set boundaries.

   This is all advice for first dates though. If you click with someone and continue to date, I think you need to be willing to free up one night a week for that person. Otherwise it isn’t fair to them.

8. The struggle is real. I have one night/week that i generally keep free date night. If I don’t have a date lined up, then I choose to do something else that night, no problem. It’s challenging if the other person isn’t available that night, though. Then I have to be flexible if I really want to meet them.

   Also, I pay someone to clean my house, but I do the other maintenance myself. Cleaning is my least favorite job so that makes sense for me. It might be something else for you.

9. I hear you. I’m tired too. (But I’ve also stopped believing this makes me any different from most people my age. The pace of life in our society is just exhausting in general—and we’re all trying to act like we’re not exhausted, just to keep up. You’re normal. 😊)

   I just try to make space and be intentional about where I’m committing my time. I don’t HAVE to spend every evening with my kids, or fix them all-organic minimally processed climate-change-aware meals all the time. Sometimes—you know what, it’s emergency pizza and a babysitter. Do I spend quality moments with them, yes. Am I present a lot, yes. Does that mean mommy guilt if I don’t want to spend every waking moment being their personal guiding light, no. (Society says this means you’re not a good mom. You can choose to buy into this or not.)

   Beyond the kids—I also don’t HAVE to accept every social invitation I get (I will not be permanently barred from adult interaction for life if I don’t). Nor do I have to say yes to extra shifts when work texts me saying they’re desperate (guess what: I’m not their only employee, cannot singlehandedly solve their staffing problems, and it does not make me a crappy employee not to come in extra).

   It’s easy to feel like you have responsibilities everywhere, that you owe everyone something, or that if you don’t xyz then it’s going to reflect poorly on you. Yeah—don’t buy into this stuff. You can’t possibly get it right all the time or be everything to everyone. You have to find a way to be okay with that, though—or else your schedule and commitments are sneakily going to fill up with crap that’s important to everyone else but you.

   Long story short—want to date? Want a relationship? Prioritize it. Don’t just find a way to cram it in your day. Identify some stuff you can move DOWN the priority list—things you can be okay with not doing, doing less of, or delegating sometimes. (Hint: do not make this thing your sleep.) See what that looks like for you, and be kind to yourself while you figure it out.

10. Hire a cleaner! But a good one. Like me 👌

11. Guy here, but same deal and two kids. I did a phase for about 2 months of very active dating and it was exhausting. I have decided to focus on one woman now and will see how that goes.

    I think campaigning it is a good idea. As a guy, that is the de facto standard. As a woman with her shit together, you could probably go on a date every night if you wanted so you have to be more selective or give up other stuff. I felt like 3 a week was my maximum. Anything more and it affected me physically and mentally. I also couldn’t remember who I told what story to and got their stories confused too. Not ideal.

12. The same way everyone organizes their time to date. All people have stuff they sacrifice in the dating stage- single childless people don’t by default have extra time for it. Since you have extra money, maybe hire a professional cleaner. It’s not really super necessary to do it yourself 100% of the time.

13. Single mom with full custody of 2 little boys (3 and 6). I have flexible work hours, so all my first dates are coffee dates, on weekdays at midday. If you can get 2-hour lunch breaks, this is easy to do and men seem to like this option, too.

    If we move beyond the first date, I have a great babysitter who can watch the kids in the evenings. I can go out on a date almost any night with advance notice to secure the sitter.

    After a few dates, I can do a mix of babysitter evening dates, and the man coming over to hang out after the kids are in bed (once I’m comfortable).

    It comes down to having help (sitter) and really making the effort to find the time.

14. It’s okay to not want to date right now. You sound overwhelmed as it is.

    Other than, the only thing I can say is you just have to make time, if you want to date. Cancel a class, or a lunch date, and go on a date.

15. The struggle is real; full time single mother, work full time, study part time, volunteer with homeless and lots of similar activities going on like yourself, I like to always work on and develop myself in different ways. Being honest the only thing that works for me at this point in time is Fwb’s / casual dating. I luckily have one Fwb who is always available to me and doesn’t pressure me in any way. No-one gets me full time when I’ve so many demands on my time, so until I’ve the time to be a properly committed partner, it’s suitable for me to have something that fulfils my needs for closeness/intimacy/comfort etc. I was unhappy for a long time trying to date and not having time, but can say having a trusted Fwb has really taken that pressure off me.

16. I’m a co-parent of a little one 3 days a week, own and run a consulting business, and deal with my family ranch (mostly maintenance). I lift daily, cook to maintain a regimented diet, and keep a decent social circle. Currently working on a full home remodel.

    For better or worse you need to decide how much time you can commit to a partner and be forward with it. I had a 7 month long distance relationship last year; we were together all of my weekend time when I didn’t have my little one, and I would stay with her when I worked in her town. It worked great until she realized she wanted to start a family and needed a full time companionship which I couldn’t provide.

    Any more I’m fairly comfortable single, so I’ve stopped dating for a “purpose”, and just enjoy each date as a lovely day off. Helps alleviate the need to be “productive” when I frame a date as down time to get out of my little bubble of daily life.

17. I didn’t, not until my kids were more independent. I had two In early elementary when I divorced and he only bothered to be a parent every other weekend.

    There is a finite amount of time and energy each person has (and that includes mental energy). I chose to be a Dan good parent and excel at my job while building strong friendships, but limit my dating to casual (and have a fwb in a similar position).

    Those few years passed quickly and now I am in a place where a relationship fits fairly easily with what I have to give of myself.

18. I worked full time and had a pretty full social life when my son was younger. Luckily, most of my friends had kids about the same age so there wasn’t a huge sacrifice there. For a period of time, I also went to school full time to work on my undergrad. I truly didn’t prioritize dating until my son was about 14 and responsible enough to mind himself for a couple hours.

    As far as being physically tired, you will have to outsource some of those tasks. Cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping can all be done somewhere else without sacrificing anything important to you. You also have half custody so it sounds like you can actually dedicate a night every couple weeks to dating. Also, the places you like to go to are perfectly good places to invite dates to… two birds, one stone.

    My friends who did marry or find long term partners as single parents moved very quickly and didn’t spend a lot of time dating multiple people.

19. I’m a solo parent with a kid similar age to yours. I had to learn how to ask for help. So much help! People have been happy to do it. My daughter’s friends’ parents take her to some of her activities (that she does with her friends) so that I can pursue my hobbies at the same time. If my mom is babysitting my daughter and I am disastrously behind in something, I might ask her to do a little extra for me. I also combine things. I socialize during my hobbies so I can see my friends while I’m exercising or whatever. I also mostly see my friends that have other kids so my daughter can come along and we both get a playdate. Then if I’ve had enough first dates that lead nowhere that it feels like a waste of time, I take breaks. Then when I miss dating, I go back to it and try to prioritize it more if I can. I also always plan first dates close to me to save time. Second dates and beyond I’ll travel but time is valuable!

20. Single mom of 3 with 60% custody. I’ve been lucky enough to have a job with a fairly flexible schedule, and with my custody arrangement I have 3 free nights a week. One evening I devote to myself (usually just relax/catch up on sleep/call friends or family/binge watch shows), one evening I do something social, and one night is for dates. I am flexible with which night is devoted to which activity. If I do meet someone where we move into an actual dating relationship, I try to open up more of my free evenings and get a babysitter for some nights when I do have my children. Overall, though, I’ve found that the simpler my life is, the easier it is to focus on things that really matter. I identified 5 areas to focus on and basically scrapped everything else for the time being.

21. I find someone equally as busy. Other single parents are a good fit, we tend to meet for lunch/coffee in the city during my lunch break. Currently dating a farmer who lives 3 hours away, he’s happy to see me whenever fits my schedule, since he’s also busy with the farm I don’t feel guilty that I can’t see him super frequently.

22. It’s hard. I get to spend one night with my boyfriend most weeks, and we have a game night at my house mid week, every week.

    I feel fortunate that my kids are teenagers because I can leave them alone overnight periodically. But mostly dating as a single mom just feels like missing my partner a lot, and not having the capacity for spontaneity.

    Silver lining is that it forces us to not move too quickly, and gives us time to miss each other, but god do I. It’s hard.

23. What’s FOMO?

24. Full time single parent here for nearly a decade who also works a demanding job and juggles a social life.

    It’s all about the juggle, make life easier for yourself. Surround yourself with people who you also includes your child. I had mine quite young so she’s been “part of the gang” since birth, I’m very lucky that she’s well behaved and is used to being around adults. Occasionally I’ll have an adults night out, and I would take this opportunity to see my other friends who are abit less child friendly and/or go on dates.

    Use your networks for babysitting. Again, I’m very lucky to have a large family so I bounce babysitting favours around so I’m not always relying on the same family members to babysit. My parents are also retired so more than happy to have her if I need to travel for work, without this support I wouldn’t have been able to chase my career. I also balance family babysitting with a paid sitter, found an amazing local lady who does family day care at her home who is super flexible. She also takes government childcare subsidies (I’m in Aus) so helps reduce her hourly rate.

    It’s all about strategic planning and curating your lifestyle and networks to fit around what you and your child need. My life isn’t completely butterflies and fairies, I do sacrifice nights out for my daughter and accept that as a parent I can’t always do everything I want to but I don’t see it as me missing out on things, just a balance of give and take.

    I do suffer from FOMO too at times and I’m extremely single, but I have age on my side so as my daughter gets older I know I’ll have more and more freedom.

25. If your income is good, hire a cleaner just to give yourself some breathing space. Sure you still have to tidy but you dont have to mop the floors, clean the bathroom, deep clean the kitchen that takes time. I work from home, and without her id never be leaving the house.

    As for dating, could you vet them over a video call first? Im not a parent but used to feel “that was a waste of make up” sometimes.

26. , p.

27. 36M dedicated to my career. Been steadily climbing that ladder since 2010. I have full custody of my son and recently started letting his mom see him on weekends. We split in 2016 and I just haven’t been able to date since. Mostly because I’m just disillusioned with dating at my age. But also because I have very little down time.

    I’ve had one or two casuals that could have been something but they were mostly younger and couldn’t stand that my time was dedicated to my son and my career.

    I think now I gravitate towards career woman who are also mothers because they understand the struggle. When you are both on the same page it makes it easier.