(M28) Coming to here to get some fresh perspective on my current situation.
I’ve been in my job nearly a year. It’s a really tough role and I was told it would take at least 1 – 2 years to fully grasp it and get comfortable. I’ve done well, but have made some mistakes along the way which I’ve owned up to and taken a bollocking for where necessary.
My manager is great at times – supportive, passionate, encouraging…but then other times she’s verbally aggressive, short tempered, hot headed etc.
There are many things thay have happened at work, but the main ones are the following:
– She will call me out on something infront of a room full of direct colleagues, as well as people from other departments (colleagues have commented on how unprofessional this is for her to do)
– She will have times where something had annoyed her that much that she won’t even look at me and will only speak if essential…like proper cold attitude, yet she’ll be laughing, joking, and nice as anything to other people in the room
– Feels like she’s ready to jump on any mistake that may have come from me, even if I’ve done everything in my power to ensure my work is as good as it can be (don’t want to detail too much of my work, but my industry requires managers to approve work before said work makes it to a customer to review) – bearing this in mind…even I’ve done something as instructed, have had someone approve my work, if the customer finds a mistake then my boss is fast to blame me and ask if I had someone check my work etc.
There are more, but that gives an idea of what’s going on.
Many colleagues have said that she treats me differently to everyone else, but they have no idea why. I’m friendly, very polite and kind to everyone…I don’t make enemies easily, so it’s unlikely I’ve said something to her to piss her off this much. I also had to tell her about mental health issues (pre-existing) in the hope it may make her realise she’s been a bit harsh.
I’m a huge over-thinker and she knows this. She also has said I need to stop taking things personally – this is fine when it comes to work, but her attitude, public embarrassment and whatever makes it hard to not take it personally. We all went on a team day out, sat well away from each other and she maybe said 2 words to me whilst we were out.
Other people at work have suggested the following:
– She’s trying to toughen me up, but going the wrong way about it
– Simply has some grudge against me and is pressuring me to make me quit
– She doesn’t realise what she’s doing and maybe needs a wake up call
– I’m an easy target for her when things are stressful elsewhere…(a couple of times before, she’s had a go at me when she had personal stuff going on outside of work)
My colleagues are really supportive and look out for me, so I don’t want to leave the team just because of this one manager.
What do you suggest?
9 comments
Document everything, time, date what happened and who witnessed each incident of her unprofessional behaviour.
If push comes to shove, you can show her first and take it higher up the ladder if necessary.
From what you have written she sounds like a bad manager who doesn’t cope well under stress. Tricky.
I’ll assume there either noone higher / HR department to talk to or that you don’t want to do that.
Calling people out publicly is massively unprofessional. Next time it happens you could wait for the heat of the moment to cook then have a word. “I understand I made a mistake, but next time I would really appreciate it if you could bring it up one to one in a professional way. I am trying to be better and being embarrassed in front of colleagues doesn’t help me do that”.
It sounds like you are genuinely trying to understand where she coming from That’s a good thing. If it is just stress then understanding that can help you let those moments pass without taking it to heart too much. Unfortunately, too many people end up in management through length of service rather than being trained for the job and the result is poor management practise like this.
Not sure how much you can do about it. In most cases like this it’s advisable to take notes of any incidents , with time and date. If there’s hr department you could speak to them although this could escalate . My first employer was quite similar , although it wasn’t a big company with a hr department so I just put up with it, until I finally snapped and he fired me. Took the evidence I gathered and after a lot of phone calls and emails ended up getting a settlement from him for 4.5k .
Document everything just in case there are problems for you further down the line. Look for an internal transfer – I know you don’t want to and you shouldn’t really have to, but these things generally don’t go away on their own, and HR rarely take the side of junior staff in any dispute. I have been through this myself and it’s awful, so I do sympathise – in my case I did eventually manage to get transferred, and then not long after, the manager in question left anyway.
Sounds like she’s inexperienced and not very good at managing. She sounds like an unprofessional manager. Whenever my boss needs to give me constructive feedback he asks people “can you pop into my office for a quick chat?” He has a complete poker face, if you don’t know what it’s going to be about it could be good or bad, noone would guess.
I’d say what you go through could be considered bully at worst or just plain bad management at best.
She sounds like a see you next Tuesday
Eesh. Throwing a more junior employee under the bus in front of colleagues is a big no-no. And it makes her look bad too. Ultimately, she’s responsible for managing you, and it’s her job to make sure your work is up to scratch.
The public humiliation is bad enough, but blanking/being cold to you while acting normal with others is textbook passive aggressive behaviour. It’s playground shit. No one who wants to call themselves a manager should be acting so immaturely in the workplace.
A lot of managers become managers because they want the pay and the advancement. Not because they actually want to manage people or because they’re any good at it.
It sounds like she really has no interest in actually managing you, or anyone else, and thinks she can just get on with her core role without taking responsibility for the managerial part of her role.
That’s not a good sign, and it could harm your career progression if she’s not supporting your development.
Some managers adopt quite an abrasive attitude because they think it makes them look like a go-getter, but in my experience that technique doesn’t work most of the time and it drives people to quit.
Emotional intelligence is a huge part of managing people. Recognising what motives your direct reports on an individual level, and adapting your style to get the best out of each of them, is the way to go. And it sounds like your boss either can’t or won’t do that.
I’d just leave, to be honest. It sounds like a clash or personalities that can’t be resolved.
Or – put up with her crap until you’ve built up enough skills and experience in your role to go elsewhere. It becomes a lot easier to endure the shit if you’ve already made up your mind to leave.
Keep a record of everything that’s happening. If you aren’t already in one, consider joining a union. Check out your company’s policies on capability, performance review, disciplinary and on bullying and harassment. If there are genuine issues with your work, they should be dealt with appropriately and she isn’t following procedure. It sounds more like your manager’s behaviour is bullying. It’s obvious enough that your colleagues have noticed. Depending on your company’s processes, you may need to take all your evidence to HR to get this sorted.
Okay, so I’m going to just focus on two things you mentioned above.
You advised her of pre-existing mental health issues. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and suggest you did this because you felt that it should alert her to the fact that her behaviour towards you is making you uncomfortable. You also mentioned that when you went on a team day out that she barely spoke to you. I’m going to assume that the lack of verbal contact has played into your mental health concerns.
I’m going to be brutal here: you need to speak to another manager or her direct superior. Failing that, speak to HR. Personally? She’s a bully. If you feel that she’s bullying you – and I’m going to say it just now (as a manager myself) that’s what her behaviour comes across as – then you need to be able to tell her that she’s being a dick to you. You’ve already done that when you informed her of your mental health. If she’s refusing to accept this/ignoring this, then you need to speak to someone. Workplace bullying doesn’t just come along like it does in the training videos.
Ultimately, however, you may need to put in for a transfer to another team. I did that back in 2013 when my former manager made me realise that she was making me suicidal. Yes, really. I was transferred to another team and I must have been doing something right there because, heh, well, I’m still in that job. People too often forget that being a manager means that you have to be able to get along with anyone and everyone in your team and sometimes you need to temper your attitude or behaviour in case you’re causing discomfort.