So here’s a bit of context. I recently moved to a new city with a bunch of people And we are all starting work at the same place.
I am very awkward and have social anxiety but I really wanted to put myself in social situations and try to improve.
So when one of the girls asked me if I wanted to join the others to go to a park and restuarant I agreed without thinking much. For the first one hour I tried talking and stuff. Later I got exhausted and there were too many people and I was feeling very uncomfortable. Like I wasn’t talking much and a guy kept mentioning how I was always on phone and not talking at all. He was making fun of me and I just laughed it out but it was also making me bad. Like I didn’t know what to talk and I use phone to look busy so I wouldn’t have to look at people.
Anyway that was a very awkward meeting for me and I’ll regret it forever.
Anyway fast forward to today. The same was telling me how there was a clubbing place or something where entry was free for couples. She told me that she and friends needed more girls so they could all go in for free and she suggested to take me with them. And apparently the guy was like no, let’s not call her. She’s just trouble. Or something along that lines.
It was very hurtful and I feel like I can never fit in and I can never socialize and even when I try my hardest I always end up getting hurt in the end and filled with regret.
13 comments
it sounds like he might be projecting an insecurity onto you. also just sounds like an inconsiderate person. the girl seems very sweet tho, as she chose to invite you again.
if you feel comfortable, i say explain to them youre nervous, so it’s comforting for you to look at your phone. also say that not everyone needs to be talking all the time to have fun.
edit: speaking from personal experience, i tend to fidget with my phone when i feel anxious/uncomfortable in social situations (i also have severe ADHD so it’s more of a stimulating habit). i’ve gotten called on it before—people thinking i’m not paying attention or don’t care about them, so now i project that insecurity onto others if it’s constant. it’s all about communication and finding other self-soothing strategies. ﾂ
That’s weird. Why is he doing that? The girl asked you and whether or not you are up to it is up to you.
I can sort of understand why he would get annoyed about being on your phone a lot, but only because that’s a personal pet peeve of mine. But I wouldn’t call you out in front of everybody repeatedly.
Is it just this one guy making you feel uncomfortable? The girls you mentioned seem nice and try to include you in their activities.
Fuck him. Not literally, of course.
I have a social battery with a low capacity. Over the years I have improved it a lot, but when it’s drained I feel a lot like you describe. Often I leave early, limit myself to interacting with a few people, go on phone, sleep, whatever. I also decline a lot of invitations because I don’t have the energy. People that know me know what I’m like and accept me. I like those people – they get my energy when it’s available. Everyone else, fuck ’em.
I also make sure to express my appreciation when I’ve been invited, especially when I decline.
Point being, you’re fine and deserve to have some confidence in your value, whatever social obstacles you face. Don’t be afraid to tell people how you feel about a situation – it’ll give them a better understanding of what you want from the interaction and prevent misunderstandings of rudeness. It’ll win you more support than you might think, too. If they’re going to be there anyway treat anxiety and awkwardness like part of the social equation. Work around or overcome them as you see fit, but they’re only a problem for people that don’t accept you. You deserve people who will accept you.
Sounds like the woman who invited you is sound. If you want to be invited again, even if you only get an hour out of it, why not tell her?
And screw that guy. Again, not literally.
So that guy is getting annoyed of you being on the phone too much.. he needs to grow up and mind his business.
Ignore his ass and have fun with the girls!
You did nothing wrong. It’s great that you’re getting out of your comfort zone and socializing– keep it up!
> For the first one hour I tried talking and stuff. Later I got exhausted and there were too many people and I was feeling very uncomfortable.
You’ve learned something about yourself, you don’t have the social stamina to fraternize with strangers for hours on end– nothing wrong with that. Honestly most of us don’t. Really enjoy and connect and give everybody your full care and focus while you’re there, but once you’re drained there’s no need to pretend to be distracted. Just offer up the simple, honest truth, graciously thank the group for their time (personally acknowledge individuals you especially connected with) and peace out.
It’s possible that other people knew the vibe was dying too, but didn’t know how to let the moment go. They’ll admire your autonomy. Or maybe not, maybe it was just overwhelming for you. Fine either way. Sounds like the one girl is an awesome friend.
> no, let’s not call her. She’s just trouble. Or something along that lines.
Until you remember exactly what he said word for word and the exact tone with which he said it, I don’t think there’s anything anyone can tell you that will help in any meaningful way.
You could have just been very paranoid and the guy was actually bringing up a point to be considerate, but that wouldn’t be right to assume either.
Either way, this whole story feels very random and strange. Nothing can truly be concluded. Especially not from a secondhand point of view.
Welcome to New York, and remember, no one cares about anyone. If you see a person crying for help, don’t help unless you’re willing to accept the consequence.
did he say that “you were too much trouble” in public to your face? that’s really rude
Stay off the phone. Find a fidget spinner or something, but don’t spend your time in a group looking at your phone/a book/anything other than the people you’re with. It communicates that you think people you’re with aren’t worth paying attention to, and they’ll respond accordingly.
I think if it were me, I’d give that guy a call.
Seriously.
I’d explain to him that I’m a little shy and that it’s nothing personal. But I heard you didn’t want to invite me out and so that’s why I’m calling. I’d explain I was really looking forward to going out with everyone again…but would rather clear this up so that neither of us are offended. And listen to what he has to say.
I think when people are judgmental of others, they ought to be confronted politely. Most conflicts between people are all just misunderstandings that can easily be resolved with respectful conversations one-on-one. Also people need to know when they are making a mistake and if they don’t know their actions were hurtful, they need to be told. That’s how people, if they are good people, change for the better. And maybe you need to hear from him how your actions gave the impression you’re unfriendly. Of course you know the reason why you were standoffish—but others do not and may be genuinely offended by your behavior. Even if offense was far from your intent.
Being shy and having trouble feeling comfortable in social situations is hard—I know this first hand. But being perceptive of how others might feel will go a long way in building that social skill. Next time, put your phone up and be present. You don’t have to say much, just listen and at a minimum, don’t be impolite.
Kudos on trying to leave your comfort zone and putting yourself in a challenging situation! Thats huge! I also struggle with social anxiety so I completely understand how exhausting and overwhelming it can get meeting groups of new people.
Staring at your phone is not a good way of dealing with it though. For people who barely know you, it comes off as rude, like youre bored of them and not interested in engaging. Some people take it way too seriously and it looks like its a pet peeve for that guy (he didnt have to be such an asshole about it though).
Next time if you know your social battery’s drained, make up an excuse and leave. It leaves a much better impression on people to remember you as talking and getting to know others before having to leave early rather than the person who ignored everyone else for their phone all night.
Just like everyone else is saying, that girl who invites you sounds really nice. Maybe you could casually mention to her (sometime when it feels right) that you have social anxiety but youre trying. Dont overshare, just keep it super light. It helps to have at least 1 person in a big group aware of how you feel.
Suggest they leave that guy out and invite someone with a better attitude.
Split your time between talking and dancing. You don’t have to talk as much as listen and respond to what people say.
Call him out next time for not minding his own business. You may find that a few others in the group will agree with you and back you up. He already has you pegged as someone who’s antisocial so just defy his expectations because I guarantee he won’t see it coming