**tl;dr** I’m diagnosed with social anxiety since I was a kid, but now when I’m older, I’m coming to realize it’s probably a reaction to failing to read some cues correctly or overcompensating. Would love to see if anyone relates to the issues mentioned in this post, or how do you cope with that
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I don’t have a good read on it as I am mostly attuned to what people say directly, but I typically can sense the other half of the story based on someone’s body language. The biggest issue is when someone’s actions and body language are with disagreement with what they’re saying. It legit “gaslights” me – it’s like asking, which one is real?
A very old example – a guy I dated acted clearly as if he wants to break up (lots of white-lies and canceling dates). But whenever I challenged him on it, he’d say it’s not personal. So I thought, “oh, then I should trust him”. Guess what, I shouldn’t have. It was personal.
A more recent example – I was looking for a psy and I had a recommendation from my GP (to get evaluated for ADHD). Went there, got “kicked out” because I said right away I’m not looking to take meds. Realized that I forgot that I actually _do_ need them (for a different issue, just for one-day anxiety when traveling) – cuz my GP said she cannot prescribe it herself without getting evaluated. So I immediately went back and knocked. Nothing. It was already closing time and they had no more clients coming. It was dead quiet, so she couldn’t mishear it. I was patient and didn’t wanna come across as forceful/needy, so I knocked again in some more intervals – hell, she could be busy, duh. – Well, guess what, when she opened, she acted super surprised, which was idiotic since you cannot mishear the knocking, “Oh, you’re still here?” And her body language clearly indicated that she wants me to go away. Strongly insisted that it’s still not her job to prescribe me meds, “my GP can do it” (my health insurance company disagreed, lol). Which means, it must’ve been personal, no other explanation for this.
This was a huge issue for me as a kid in school too (with teachers), because I quickly learned that people are “for some reason” bothered if you approach them at “wrong time”. I didn’t understand the reason back then, I only knew that I’m for some reason getting “rejected”, and I didn’t understand the reason – it made me feel socially clueless, “is it really (socially) ok if I reach out to them now, even though the opening hours say I can? What if they again react disproportionally?” The issue is, I have no idea how tf you evaluate when is that if they’re not clear about it, and you can only deduce it because you see they’re angry or unfriendly disproportionate to the situation. It gives me so much socially anxiety because I have zero ability to predict/read this. I feel more at home with well-defined “rules” and people not making up some invisible rules that you can’t see, based on their internal feelings or what else not.
I am coming to realize that I had the same issue at home with my mother – I never could figure out what mood she was at. Sometimes she would snap, “you see I am busy and come to bother me!” No, I can’t see it! Maybe everyone needs to wear a damn “don’t disturb” sign on their neck, so everyone can eff off. – But of course, if they need something, it’s okay. It’s like these people have specifically boundaries that only go one way – you have to respect theirs, but they don’t respect others’.
Anyone relates? I was diagnosed with social anxiety as a kid, but I’m coming to realize it probably stems from overcompensating for something else – trying really hard to read what people are _not_ saying or what they are expecting. Because it’s nasty when you have to “guess” what they actually want, when they can’t be direct about it. This passive-aggressive/explosive sh1t hurts people.
6 comments
I don’t have any advice but I go through the same thing. I have trouble reaching out to people because I always feel like I am bothering them, which was the reaction I would always get from my mother growing up, too.
Sorry 🙁 but you’re not alone.
Have you ever considered Autism to be the initial catalyst for the snowball effect of the social anxiety? You sound a lot like my 11yo daughter whom is Autistic, and has Generalised Anxiety Disorder, she struggles to read nuance in interactions, or understand social cues that don’t have explicit ‘quick to access from her memory bank’ flow chartable rules.
Her therapist suggested we do a lot of important communication via text because she won’t be trying to read too many different cues, and get confused, or second guess her own original thoughts. It works well as she has the time to think through interactions and to clarify anything because it’s written clear as day. That’s not always possible of course, so a lot of the time we’ll make sure she’s armed with the right ‘mind flow charts’ for situations to try to ease the anxiety about not knowing exactly what the person is trying to convey.
And, of course, there is always the knowledge that sometimes people simply do not say what they actually mean and are not as forthcoming as you’d prefer, it’s one of those nuances of being an individual human. They may also have anxiety, may be struggling to convey something themselves, may be having a bad day, or may simple just be a crappy person.
The passive aggressive shit is so rude. Honestly just call them out on it if you’re brave and ask them what tf is wrong so you dont have to keep guessing
Easy ways to tell what’s wrong, if they give you a bad attitude or are in a low mood. When you notice it you can ask them what’s wrong or back away to avoid them possibly exploding on you. That’s the only advice I can think of.
If they’re texting, see any words that shows that they’re angry. Usually the way I tell when someone is angry is when they respond with a “K” or short word responses. And I leave them or stop texting usually until they cool off.
A lot of this is passive aggressive gas lighting.
Don’t let people tell you how you’re “supposed “ to act. Most people don’t care. It seems to me that the people around you have figured out a way to control your interactions.
When you call them out they act incredulous-being an indication of it… Making you Over analyzing it is also another way. Facts are they don’t really care as much as you’re thinking… maybe 1%
Yes, definately. I think people like this expect you to read their signals and feel that you are in the wrong for not being able to read them, when the reality is that they have to meet you halfway and make their own signals and boundaries clear to you from the start as well.
It’s a form of entitlement or self-centredness on their part, they expect everyone else to revolve around them, and can’t accept either that some people are more socially awkward than them and need more warning, or that they are more socially awkward themselves than they wish to admit and need to be open about that to other people.
But they assume that it’s on you to learn those skills and think that you’re lazy if you don’t go the extra mile to understand them.
Unfortunately, these people won’t change their behaviour easily, it can be like talking to a brick wall, so you often kind of have to do what they expect and leant those skills just to get on with them – or try to pre-empt and find out who those people are and avoid them entirely.
In the short run, one good “trick” you can do is to pre-empt your response. If you’re bad at social skills yourself, or they seem pretty inpenetrable as soon as you meet them, you can say something like, “sorry, I’m not very good at understanding people, you’ll have to bear with me”, or, “sorry, you don’t seem to be very clear – can you explain that a bit more clearly?”
It’s hard to know whether to go on the offensive or the defensive, because going too much on the offensive can make you seem rude or entitled and prevents people from seeing you in good faith, but going too much on the defensive allows people to walk over you and sets up the dynamic from the start.
In theory, you can call these people out, and that might also make them reconsider, but unless you have a lot of support behind you, they likely will get angry or won’t take you seriously, even if everyone finds them harder to cooperate with.
Remember that a commercial person who does this is not the same as a normal person who does this. You may have heard that the customer is always right, but in reality, if someone in a business gets on your nerves, unless you make a formal complaint in the form of an email, tweet, review or letter, or protest with other people, the business is always right, and can make you look bad if you complain too much as in individual in person.
By contrast, a “real” person who does this is engaging an in interpersonal dispute, and the rules are a lot less clear cut.
Also bear in mind your safety when it comes to these conversations. Some people are in the wrong, but aren’t worth fighting over, either because they’re violent criminals or because they are professional victims and can twist the law or the public to their favour.
Growing up in an environment where you’re constantly guessing/ the mood of your parents is a driving force behind most of what you’re describing . Survival / Coping mechanism. Anything you can do to push towards not analyzing the moods /thoughts of others will help