I (22F) am breaking up with my boyfriend (25M) of two years. I’ve known for awhile now, but finally concluded it has to happen. I’m not sure what to say as I have never been on this side before and feel like a terrible person. I know it will destroy him and will make his life really difficult for awhile, so I’ve been deluding myself trying to convince myself that it can work out when I know it can’t. Some of my major issues include the following, which are a combination of problems since the beginning of the relationship and some from the past few months.
(Writing this out is more for me than for anyone reading this, feel free to skim)
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\- I needed space to process my emotions and handle life stress for \~10 days. Clearly communicated this. Couldn’t wait the whole time and requested to talk. I now have to earn back his trust because of this.
\- He reacts and blurts things out instead of listening. I’ve noticed this is a problem with me and other people (such as work).
\- He emotionally dumps on me when I’m not ready and uses me this way to understand how he’s feeling
\- He lacks ambition. Isn’t working towards anything and just accepts things the way they are. (As in mentally/emtionally)
\- He overinvolves himself in everything: other peoples conversations, problems, etc; transitions into him taking over social spaces and it makes others uncomfortable
\- Ignores all the signs that something is wrong. When I asked for space he said he was blindsided as he thought everything was fine even though we’d been having several issues for awhile which he was aware of and admitted to being upset by
\- Has no boundaries aside from “don’t cheat on me”. Everytime I need space or am away for awhile he questions whether I have something going on with someone else and has to ask “just to make sure” and soothe his insecurities
\- I feel like his mother. I have to ask him to brush his teeth, point out when things are getting dirty at his place, help him manage his emotions for him
\- I’m emotionally drained just thinking about spending time together and am no longer attracted to him sexually or romantically
\- He’s aware of and insecure of some of these problems but doesn’t do anything to change it
\- Won’t seek help for (diagnosed) ADHD and doesn’t see how it affects him despite me researching for him and trying to share these things
\- (Personal issue with him): Self-medicates with weed and drinking. I’m just not up for being around these things every day, so I can’t picture living together at any point.
Obviously I’m not perfect either. I have been working on my avoidance tendencies and had a very emotionally unavailable family growing up. Sometimes I do well, other times I hold things in for awhile while I make sense of myself. He just can’t respect my need for space and time to process things on my own. I end up feeling trapped by his never ending energy and attention. I’m just so drained by everything and think it’s time to walk away. I thought about couple’s counseling but I guess there isn’t a point when I don’t even want to be with him anymore.
So now the hard part: what do I tell him? Obviously this list is quite harsh, and I’m not going to give a list of problems I have with him. He would just say he’ll be better for me and we’ll work through it, but I don’t want to. I’m done. I know I really need to think through how I do this and explain why I’m leaving. Any advice?
Thanks for reading through this mess of poorly organized thoughts.
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TLDR: I’m emotionally done with my relationship and am not interested in salvaging it anymore. How do I break the news without unnecessary damage?
2 comments
I think that you are correct that giving him any room to say “we can work this out!” is a bad idea. Just tell him that you care about him, but that the relationship isn’t serving you anymore and that you wish him the best. You can tell him it’s been a lot of work and not a lot of satisfaction lately or that you are not happy in the relationship anymore. But ultimately, you are very sure of your decision and its not up for debate. It’s hard to end a relationship even when you know its the right choice. He will likely be hurt but as long as you’re kind and straightforward, thats all you can really do.
You have already made your mind about it, so I recomend to end this ASAP. The longer things stay in the status quo, the worse you will feel. I think the best way to end this is to meet up with him in a public space like a cafe and try to say the things you wrote here to him. Not to insult him, not to make him feel bad. But so you can get your point across and show him how much the situation made u feel trapped and stressed. Like the other guy said, since your decision is final and you know it’s the right move, the only thing you can do is to be straightforward and kind towards him and his feelings. You are not a bad person for wanting to be honest and end things when you feel unatracted towards him. You have to take care of your self at some point so yeah. Good luck with that, hope you will feel better after you go with this breakup.