tl;dr: moved to a new city for work. Instant regret and want to go home.
I recently took on a new job and moved over 200 miles away from my friends, family and entire support network. I arrived here a few weeks ago and instantly realised the gravity of what I had done. I’ve made such a huge error of judgement here and I just want to go back home.
For context, I went through a pretty rubbish breakup last year which impacted upon me a great deal. After moving out of the flat that I shared with my ex, I moved back in with my Mom for 8 months, this whilst I got back on my feet. After a few months, I started to feel better. I reconnected with old friends, joined a football team and picked up hobbies. I started to feel content with life again.
For some reason, I then started to get the urge that ‘I needed a change’ and became fixated on moving away to start afresh. I pursued this and managed to secure a transfer to another office within my company and now here I am. I’m doing the same job and for the same pay, but just much further away
A few days before the move I wanted to back out. I knew it just didn’t feel right. The day of the move was even worse. But I was so far down the process of going, I felt that I couldn’t not do it.
I completely understand that it can take time to adjust to a new place and new surroundings. I may sound and appear to be negative and self-defeating here, but I’ve made my mind up on this and I need to get back home. I have no interest in building a life here.
I’m in a privileged position in that I have enough saved for a deposit on a flat/small house back where I am from, as property is much more affordable. I’ll never be able to afford a home here and now I’m sitting here in a small room that I’ve rented in a house share. I’m stuck in a 6-month contract and feel trapped. The rental market is incredibly competitive here and I had to take this place as I was struggling to get viewings anywhere. I appreciate that 6-months isn’t a longtime and of course, I will return eventually, but I guess I am just struggling to square with myself what a stupid decision I have made.
I’m not an impulsive person by any means and tend to make rational and well balanced decisions, but yet I’ve done this. I also struggle coping with new places and new experiences (I have an anxiety disorder), so moving away with no support is not exactly a great decision either. I’m an introvert and I have a great group of friends back home. I have no interest in trying to pursue all these new friendships here – again another tick on the stupid decision box. My mental health is taking a steady nose dive currently.
I’ve already texted my previous boss asking if I can return and she said that whilst there is a chance, this potentially won’t be any time soon due to staff budgeting. My previous boss is more of a friend and again this just adds to the dynamics of a stupid decision being made, considering how great my last place of work actually was. I’ve already been practicing the conversation in my head with my new manager about how I want to leave – I imagine they will be annoyed considering I’ve just arrived and rightly so. I guess a job is a job though and we are all replaceable in life.
I’m just really angry at myself for putting myself in a situation that was entirely avoidable. And one that has impacted my life and emotional well-being badly and especially when I was starting to enjoy life again. I’m now dreading everyday after work and weekends, whilst work isn’t occupying my mind and thinking what else I can do to pass the time. I know I can’t wallow in self-pity for months on end, but I just feel so crap right now.
I understand that no one can fix this for me and it’s something that I have to own for now. At 32, I just wanted life to feel more settled, to have my own place and it not be a case of bouncing from one mess and crisis to the next.
I guess I just wanted to share my story am I’m wondering if anyone has any words of wisdom for someone who is feeling sorry for themselves right now.
I appreciate this post is quite long, so thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings.
6 comments
Life is just a series of plot twists. Start making a plan to get back. It won’t be the last course correction you make.
what are your hobbies and interest? does the new city cater to any of these? I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to move back, but while you are already there why not explore what the new city has to offer? you may not get another chance again and you may grow to at least enjoy it while you are there
This is okay. A lot of times people aren’t sure where they want to live and it can take many years to figure it out. 6 months is a short time. You can always try to sublease it out if you can also get out of the position but otherwise, I would just tough the 6 months out. Don’t be so hard on yourself like this was a massive mistake. It may feel like this but it is only for half a year at worse and it’s really not a massive thing. Many times people move places they end up not liking and that’s why it’s so good it is a short 6 month lease in this case. That is about as short as they get actually.
Honestly.
I would set a time limit to check back in and in the meantime…. Make all the efforts that you can to enjoy and adjust to the new situation.
You’re really gonna hate the next 6 months if you’re just counting down the days to leave and then you are re set again and you might feel like you failed or didn’t try hard enough to make it in the new place.
I speak from experience on this
> I’m not an impulsive person by any means and tend to make rational and well balanced decisions, but yet I’ve done this.
If you’re a person that typically makes rational and calculated decisions, this likely isn’t that. You planned this, found housing asked for a transfer, etc. This doesn’t sound like an impulse decision but more like panic because of a major life change.
I did something similar around 29. Moved to a new place away from all my family and friends. My wife wanted to move back after about 8 months so I obliged but I would have still been living there if it was up to me.
The thing I didn’t see coming was that once I settled there I started making friends quickly and I didn’t want to move back because I had made a social circle there.
My advice for you is this. It’s 6 months. Give it your best shot to enjoy the new city. It should be really easy to make friends in well populated cities. Wait 6 months and then make your decision but until then you need to put both feet through the door. You’re never going to give the new city a chance if you just keep 1 foot out. Worst case after 6 months you move back but at least you got to enjoy the new city to the fullest for 6 mo.
I’ve 100% seen smart people do this (I was the boss who got left behind… and, six months later, took the wanderer back). It happens. The faster you realize it was a mistake, the faster you can correct it. Can you get a *different* job back in your original town?