I’ve been in a relationship for about 3 months. It’s a LDR. We took a leap of faith after months of talking online and went exclusive before meeting. Then we met in-person and stayed together nearly a month, before heading back to our regular lives. Early on after meeting we said we loved each other.
This is an overseas LDR, so it requires a lot of sacrifice. Our plan is for me to move to where she is, based on various career and personal considerations. Objectively, it makes sense, since I have an avenue through ancestry to get citizenship in the country, which just bolsters the idea. In about 7 months is logistically the soonest I can do the move.
The thing is, I feel she’s always been into me more than I’m into her. She’s a self-professed highly sensitive person, and I respect that label and have tried to understand it better. Basically, she’s extremely emotional, feels things harder than the average person, can cry at the drop of a hat, and you never know when it can come. At the same time, I don’t consider her weak or anything like that. She’s extremely aware of it and super intelligent. However, while I respect how she is, it doesn’t mean I’m a big fan of it. I actually feel very emotionally drained and even dread when these highly emotional reactions come.
One thing, however, that’s pretty fundamental and causing me concern is I have zero interest in kids, while she’s ‘on the fence’ and closer to wanting one, though she says she’s not really decided. All she knows is she doesn’t want one for at least another 5 years. (I’ll put aside the fact her parents would be absolutely crushed and even angry if they found out about my lack of interest in kids.) So, we’ve discussed this. Initially she panicked. While I told her at the very start of knowing her that I strongly am against the idea of kids, I think hearing it again while actually a couple really devastated her. It was a harsh reminder. At the end of the conversation, she said she’ll do anything to make this work and will compromise, even if that means never having a kid, because her love is that strong for me. And she’d rather have no kids and be with me than any other alternative.
We left it alone for a while, but I couldn’t help but bring it up again. I feel guilty. Why do I get to take a potential kid away from her? Besides, what if she changes her mind in a few years, or 10 years, and she can’t compromise anymore? She’ll have wasted her prime years to have a kid, and based on some conditions she has, we don’t even know if she’ll be able to have one years down the line. But basically, she just reiterated her prior point, and added that she doesn’t want someone telling her what’s best for her, or me ending the relationship because of these concerns I have. I get her point. She makes sense. She’s willing to compromise and is confident in that. I just can’t stop dwelling on the hypothetical concerns where she changes her mind.
Another issue we have with compatibility, but in my opinion way more workable, is that I’m very introverted and she’s very extroverted. On paper, that’s great and often mixes well. In many ways it’s helped us to get this relationship going. At the same time, she very clearly has a high need for physical affection, like simply cuddling and holding, always sleeping together in the bed etc. However, I have a way bigger need for alone time and decompressing. We talked about this. It understandably bothered her, and she’s worried about wanting to hug, hold, cuddle me or whatever and me not being in the mood and feeling rejected. When she was upset about it, she phrased it as me outright rejecting her. When calming down, she said we can make it work regardless. And I agree.
But the kicker is that this feels like we’re pulling teeth. Based on my preferences (no kids) and different dispositions about affection, it feels like we’re going up a hill. I voiced this to her. She said no relationships are easy and it’ll require work. Obviously. That she’s confident we can work through it, as long as we keep loving each other. When simplifying things and turning off my cynicism, it makes sense. It just feels like she has to compromise too much. And because I care for her as I do, I don’t like that I’m doing this to her, when I’m not the only guy in the world who could make her happy.
In the end, the fact I feel emotionally drained in general is not good, and that doesn’t help the relationship either. I’m just so conflicted. On the one hand, we have a trip planned and I’d be seeing her fairly soon, and I’m excited about it. On the other hand, I simply feel I’m devastating this girl. She’s so sweet, caring and has a perfect heart. Intellectually she’s an amazing match. Sexually we have no issues at all. That said, I’d prefer to be able to give her everything she wants, or if not, something a lot closer than what I can actually comfortably give. It of course doesn’t help either that I have to move overseas. Because of that, I need to be very very sure about this, otherwise I risk destroying her even more, and making us both unhappy.
TLDR: We love each other but I fear the incompatibilities are too fundamental. I also have a propensity to feel emotionally drained as a result of her.
4 comments
You should not be facing such problems at 3 months. Move on.
If you are strongly against kids….get a vasectomy.
This will avoid any situation where you get a surprise baby of course, but it also removes the “oh I’m sure he will change his mind” from the equation.
I think around affection, I’d be curious if she’s generally inexperienced or if, despite the age difference, you are at similar levels experience wise? I was definitely physically more “clingy” in my younger years than now, and would feel rejected if it wasn’t reciprocated.
I think you need to keep in mind that regardless of how you think it feels
– All relationships feel like this in the beginning.
– LDRs feel even more intense because of the fact you are always wanting more than you can have, and they have intense highs and lows which give us all the high doses of love chemicals from a physiological standpoint.
– She’s 25 and may not have herself figured out or know what she wants or doesn’t long term yet.
– This is all moving way too quickly for you to be making plans to move there, especially if you are feeling like there are incompatibilities.
Take a HUGE step back and let the relationship evolve naturally, if you think there’s a chance. Although from my view you had some chemistry and it’s already fizzling out.
And gently, six months ago she didn’t know who you were. If you think she’s going to be destroyed by one relationship ending when she’s 25, you aren’t really giving her much credit as a human.
The fact of the matter is that you hardly know her. You only know the parts of her that she’s been willing to show you, and even with that you’ve seen several clear areas of incompatibility.
Picking up and moving to another country for someone you scarcely know, have spent precious little time with in person, and have core differences with is, I don’t want to say insane, so I’ll say inadvisable.
Kids is not something a relationship can healthily compromise on. One party will always feel some kind of resentment down the line. On this alone I would end the relationship. Relationships require more than just love to keep them together.