My boyfriend has made a lot of rude and hurtful comments to me lately but always excuses himself by saying “come on it’s a joke”. For example, he said that 20 year olds are stupid and I said I don’t think that’s true I’m sure there’s a lot of smart 20 year olds and legends out there, I’m sure there’s a 20yr old out there smarter than you! And I said I’m sure there’s 7 year old legends out there and he laughs in disbelief. I said I’m serious, and I’m sure they’re smarter than me. And he said well that definitely wouldn’t be hard. I made a face and he only apologized after noticing I was not impressed. Then I was showing him a band and he said wow they let a woman join their band, surprising. Also recently, I was excited and sent a photo of my new hair extensions and he replied what is that rapunzel hair from the dollar store? Like? Am I being sensitive or are these rude misogynistic comments. Everytime I address it he just says oh I’m joking.
19 comments
That’s totally rude. Joking isn’t really an excuse. I can say anything in the world and call it a joke, doesnt really make it hurt less
This isn’t even misogynistic just sounds like an ass🕳
He’s the Schrödingers Douchebag.
A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he was joking depending on the reaction of his audience.
Joking only works when you both appreciate it. If he doesn’t understand that you don’t appreciate the sarcastic humour tell him. If he continues with it then you know what to do.
at the very least he sounds like an insufferable dick. im sure you could do a lot better than someone this negative and dismissive
Your boyfriend is an asshole. There’s no nice way to say that.
You should break up with him. If these are his idea of jokes, you don’t want to know what his insults are.
It will only get worse. He disguises belittling comments as jokes. When you point this out, he will deny and deflect to defend himself.
Either devise a strategy to successfully call him out and ask him to stop demeaning comments at your expense (which i doubt he will understand). Or simply detach and break up.
It will only get worse if you do nothing or continue your current reactions and tolerance.
the question is, if he showed you this side of him on the first date, would there be a second?
He sounds full of himself OR he has such little self-esteem that he needs to bash others to make himself feel better.
On average, early 20 year Olds haven’t benefited from the fun development of their prefrontal cortex until at least their mid-20s. So like sure, a lot of them make stupid decisions.
I also had a 12 year old in my physics class in undergrad. Very intelligent but social skills? Eh…
So I think he needs a reality check and for you to develop some boundaries in how you’d like to be talked to in the future.
Unfortunately, I didn’t figure this out until my late 20s and several toxic relationships later but maybe some advice of us Olds will help.
Easiest excuse in the book. Cut on someone and then say I’m just kidding or joking. He wouldn’t say these hurtful things if he was a keeper. You’re still young find someone better and leave this guy.
This is a phenomenon known as “Schrodinger’s douchebag”. He says shitty things to you and then tries to pass them off as a joke to avoid responsibility. I would not date a person like this.
I’m probably just old af but wtf is a 7 year old legend? Also, yeah, your bf is an ass.
Oh my sweet summer child, why dont you just break up with him?
Its pretty clear you do not have a compatible sense of humour so just end the relationship.
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Me and my girlfriend tease each other a lot it’s our way of showing affection. We also both have a pretty wicked sense of humour and don’t take anything to seriously, but in your case it appears untrue. In the long run both him and yourself will be unhappy.
If you’ve been called sensitive your whole life you’re prob gonna need a boyfriend w a different sense of humor. Cause he’s not going to change.
Tell him love is a verb and if you tell him that you don’t like his jokes then that should be enough to just stop. Avoid the pitfall of debating whether he is right or wrong. Focus on the fact that you don’t like it. And since it’s just a joke it should be easy to just stop right?
Joking only works as an excuse so many times.
My husband doesn’t like sarcasm.
Sarcasm is pretty much my family’s love language. (To my shame, I made one of my father’s girlfriends cry when I was in my early teens because I was just making horribly biting sarcastic comments to her for like an hour straight. I didn’t realize until that moment what a-holes we were as a family.)
So I learned to tone it down and cut it out. (I have learned to at least be sarcastic without it being a personal remark, which he’s okay with.) I also NEVER use the word “stupid” with him or question his intelligence, because it’s a sore spot for him. (And sometimes he frustrates me so much I want to let that sarcasm or that mean comment slip out.) I value his peace of mind enough to change my behavior.
Similarly, he never raises his voice with me because he’s learned that’s a trigger for me. And seriously, sometimes I don’t understand how he doesn’t yell at me. I can be a pill.
“I’m leaving you. [pause] Oh, I’m joking. [pause] Oh, wait, I’m really not joking…”
Are you 20?