After I got my masters in December, I thought 2022 was going to be a great year. I got my free time back, I was ready for a career change, I was finally healed after my ex broke up with me a few years ago, and the world was opening back up!
Then, in February I got diagnosed with breast cancer. I had (have) to stay at my job to keep my benefits, cut my hair short to get ready for a double mastectomy in April, prepared to lose the rest of it (among other side effects) when I have chemo in June, and wait until after surgery to find out if the cancer has spread which would mean radiation after chemo. I felt like the ground fell beneath me.
Well, the surgery was a success, the cancer hadn’t spread (no radiation), AND I just found out last week I don’t need chemo after all! I will have to take estrogen blocker pills for 10 years, which will have unkind side effects, but I can’t let that stop my life.
I KNOW dating will have a LOT of struggles, but that’s not what this post is about. Not THIS one, anyway. Hahaha! My OLD pictures are now outdated and I’m not sure what to do. It took me years to get all the ones I DID like. Usually, people go with the “full body” shot, an “outdoor/activity” picture, and a “friend group” picture.
In a perfect world, or fun movie, I’d get my friends together for “picture day.” But, I’m REALLY embarrassed about it. Maybe it’s because I’m the only one still single? Or my friends and I don’t hang out much as work and life gets in the way? When we do, we really don’t take pics.
As far as my diagnosis, I’m probably going to disclose it. I’m very open about it, and if that means fewer dates, so be it. I’m getting more “fills” to stretch the skin/tissue so I’m not completely flat anymore. Eventually, I’ll be getting implants.
I think I just want to START to start.
I was planning on saying, “I’m a breast cancer survivor, so I hope you don’t mind fake boobs because my real ones tried to kill me!”
So, how do I get started?? 😂🤦♀️
13 comments
LOL I’d swipe right on that. Good luck girl!
Ask if people would be comfortable wig shopping for a date idea? I would be down for it as im a tit.
First, from one cancer (testicular) survivor to another, I want to congratulate you on kicking cancers ass. Bravo!
It sounds like you have a plan, get new photos, but I encourage you to go out with friends and take a few group photos. You plan on being upfront about the cancer which is great. I am upfront and it only turned away one woman.
The right person will support you in everything you have to go through and what you’ve been through so far will not deter them. I honestly believe dating after such a life changing event has very little impact on dating. Anyone not interested in you because of it doesn’t have the character you want in a partner anyways. It shows they would possibly cut and run in the future if other problems occur.
Best of luck in love and with your treatments.
I think it’d be okay to dip your toes back into OLD, but it also sounds like a lot of your friendships got (understandably) put on the backburner. Perhaps also carve out some time to reconnect with your friends.
>But, I’m REALLY embarrassed about it. Maybe it’s because I’m the only one still single?
one can only assume that you being single is not front-of-mind for anyone in your life right about now because remember the time you beat cancer?
>Or my friends and I don’t hang out much as work and life gets in the way? When we do, we really don’t take pics.
sounds like an easy problem to fix.
>“I’m a breast cancer survivor, so I hope you don’t mind fake boobs because my real ones tried to kill me!”
yeah I’d swipe right so hard I’d get friction burn on my fingertip
>So, how do I get started?? 😂🤦♀️
I’ve mentioned in a previous post lately that people being a little humorous about a challenge/struggle like this tends to be a turn-on because it highlights they’re well past feeling shit about it and they’re not going to let it define them.
Also re: the photos I don’t know about you but my friends in relationships were going to help with a photo day if I couldn’t find enough. Fortunately, they all rummaged around their phones and managed to grab a few and the ex-wife took quite a few so I had enough.
I’m always excited to help friends with online dating stuff. I really believe having a good partner makes a world of difference and if I can help friends find that – more than willing to.
I think the last line sounds fine and shows you have a good sense of humor. I’m a boob guy, so the fact that you’re willing to get implants means I would still be swiping right on you. I think it’s important to mention because otherwise it would be assumed you’re flat and have no plans to change your appearance. As far as pics, I’m in a similar scenario where all of my pics are 2-3 years old because I haven’t taken any lately. I know I’m aging, so it’s difficult to know when it’s no longer okay to be using the old pics.
As a guy, I personally don’t think you need the group picture. Usually when I look at a group picture I try to gauge the theme and what everyone was up to, which I can learn just as well from any of your activity pictures.
Secondly, pictures being out-of-date is totally fine given your recovery circumstances. If I were to match with someone like you and we enjoy texting I would prefer to know before a video call or date that you look different from your photos, but I would much prefer to see in person because I more often overthink things reading a profile than having an in-person conversation, and advice from coaches like Logan Ury are to consider strategies like a 3 date rule to take pressure off early dates and just enjoy each other’s company.
Hopefully that helps? I feel just it’s often more productive to tackle a difficult conversation face-to-face (even virtually) than over text or trying to fit it appropriately into a the word constraints of a dating profile. You’re already kicking ass as a cancer survivor, which is a win in my book of someone who has faced an existential crisis and has some cool stories to tell.
I think you’re approaching this in a great way, down to your “my real ones tried to kill me” line! To your specific question about the pictures, I don’t think you need to organize a formal effort to get new pics. The next few times you do anything, even a quick interaction, with a friend or family member, wear something cute and ask them to snap a few pictures of you. You can say it’s for OLD or you can say it’s to show a friend something or because you like your hair and want to show your hairdresser or whatever. Hopefully you’ll get three or four good new photos, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with using a few old pics for the last few. If you feel beholden, you can mention in the caption that it’s an old photo.
Best of luck!!!
I don’t really have any advice for you but just want to say you sound like an incredible woman. My mom has just been diagnosed with breast cancer as well and she just underwent surgery and still in hospital, she is waiting to see if the cancer has spread for the chemo and radiation as you mentioned. My heart goes out to you and I am happy for you that everything went well! Go out there put some red lipsticks on and make some man (or woman:)) the luckiest person in the world!
I don’t have any advice, just wanted to say how happy i am for you! You went through such a hard time and got out at the other end of it!
The right guy will notice your strength and be supportive of you through everything. Which is also hypocritical of me cuz personally i don’t think that guy exists for me, but i reaally hope he’ll enter your life.
Wishing you the best!!
From one breast cancer survivor to another – hell yeah! You’re a rock star and I wish you nothing but health and happiness!
I’m a lurker here and I met my boyfriend out in the wild right after having my exchange surgery (expanders to implants). Prior to that I had chemo, bilateral mastectomy and radiation. I had a very agressive triple negative cancer and have a BRCA1 mutation, diagnosed at 29.
Anyway, I was open and honest with him about my health and my fake boobs (and having no nipples), he didn’t mind one bit. I had complications and had to have one implant removed along with a good chunck of muscle a skin, am scheduled for a diferrent type of reconstruction in September.
My boyfriend, who had met me only a month prior, we hadn’t even slept together yet nor had the exclusivity talk, stood by me every step of the way. That was 6 months ago, he now calls me his amazonion warrior 😀
So, don’t fret and there is absolutely NOTHING for you to feel bad about. Just because your body might not be whole after an illness does NOT mean you are not a whole person. And if a guy can’t understand that, trust me he’s not the guy for you.
Best of luck to you and a big hug!
Hi! One of my favourite podcasts has a guest on this week who talks about dating after illness. The podcast is called Finding Mr. Height.