I 32 F been in a relationship with someone wonderful 36 M for almost four months now. I used to work with him 10 years ago at a retail store but we worked in different departments and our paths never crossed the whole time we worked together. Eventually over time we both stopped working together and we went our separate ways. We matched on bumble back in March and when we talked I told him I remembered him and he remembered me. We chatted for a while before he asked if he could take me out. He took me to a museum and we spent more time talking and laughing with each other than we did looking at the exhibits. He then took me to eat and again we laughed and got to know each other. After that he took me to a comic book store where we continued the laughing and conversation. During all of the conversation he told me about him having cancer almost a year and a half ago and he’s been in remission since. He also told me he’s a Freemason which is why he’s such a respectful person. We hit it off immediately and I was comfortable when he asked to kiss me goodnight. The whole time we were together he was a gentleman and opened my car door for me and paid for everything. On our second date he took me to a movie and then he took me to a bar to meet his friends. He mentioned he told them about me and that he really liked me so they were excited to meet me. It was shortly after that night that we made the relationship official.
Since then the relationship has been going well. The first time he told me he loved me he cried and apologized because he was so happy. I immediately started to tear up because it was the most real experience I’ve ever shared with someone and I feel the same. We shared our past stories about dating and I was comfortable telling horror stories about the things my abusive ex did to me. I told him other stories about other people treating me bad in every relationship I’ve been in and he shared his.
I have always had bad anxiety in every relationship I’ve been in because every time I let my guard down and start to feel close and happy and comfortable, they start to pull back and decide it’s over and they leave me in the dark as to why. I’m starting to get that fear and anxiety now. He knows about this and he always assures me it’s the bad thoughts. He tells me all the time how good I am to him and thanks me for it. His friends say he constantly brags about how wonderful I am when I’m not around and I do the same.
It’s almost 4 in the morning and my brain won’t stop making me feel anxious because I saw he changed his profile picture from a picture of us to something he took of himself when we were together on Saturday. Usually when someone does that the relationship is shortly over so my mind automatically goes there when I see that. My mind played over this weekend and all I felt was love I could even feel it in the way we were having sex on Sunday. He even made plans with me to binge watch the new season of Umbrella Academy on Thursday because we have the same days off this week and it drops this Wednesday. I keep thinking about how amazing he made me feel this weekend and how he always makes me feel this way but my brain keeps wanting to go back to he’s falling out of love with me because he changed his profile picture. How do I get these bad anxiety thoughts out of my head when there shouldn’t be anything to worry about?
5 comments
One thing I learned is: you can’t be grateful and anxious at the same time. So when my heart is anxious though my gut and brain see no reason to be, I try to be full hearted thankful instead. Like actively bringing me into that feeling. Sometimes it works.
All the best, old scars are tricky bastards!
Girl, I wanna apologize in advance for everyone who will inevitably say to just not think about it or that you are overthinking. I know that’s not how anxiety works and you clearly know already that it’s your anxiety at issue more than anything in the relationship.
Take deep breaths. If you can, meditate. If you can’t, find something else to distract yourself. Something that requires focus rather than a physical task that allows you to ruminate while you go through the actions. Have positive interactions with friends or family to get your positive emotional vibes from another source. Most of all, don’t beat yourself up for what you’re feeling. Anxiety is tough and guilting yourself for it will only create a downward spiral.
those are known as intrusive thoughts.
to get over them you have to recognize them and remind yourself they are not real.
you know in your heart that it is not true, all evidence points to a loving healthy relationship.
but your mind is looking for evidence to support that feeling. hence the profile picture (that doesn’t mean anything).
recognize them for what they are and force yourself to focus on why they are not true and how all evidence your anxious mind is all just made up.
I had them bad in my teens, due to family trauma. It felt my mind was overwhelmed and i couldn’t separate fact from fiction and because the fiction felt more alarming i fixated on that. i ended up in counselling and ended up keeping a journal to help me break down my thoughts and separate them from reality and what i made up in my head. i don’t think you need counselling. Now that I recognize them and can address them properly on my own. I still slip up at times but my wife is good at recognizing when I do and i can bring it up pretty casually. Sometimes i just simply ask “are we on the same page?” and she laughs and says yea we are. she knows why i am asking.
when it happens i feel stuck arguing with myself between an emotional thought process and what i know to be true. It’s usually brought on now from exhaustion and too many night shifts. which also gives me a warning to watch for them.
From my own experience the uncomfortable feeling is something I trust. Personally when I date now I share time with boundaries in place. On a first date I prefer a short time so I can walk away and detach, let my brain do it’s things and assess the spider sense. When I spend too much time around someone the brain over-rides and floods with the “addictive style love” and I can’t see straight.
How someone behaviours tells me everything. Second date I would not be meeting friends. I’ve experienced hearing nice things from friends and family too but I’ve also learned words mean nothing more than showmanship. How we behave together in their company says everything, words are empty. My experience has taught me how quick I get connected is how quick I’ll get dropped. I prefer to take time to get to know someone plus I have a life of my own now so I don’t have all that time to give.
Today I don’t have guards because I don’t need them, when I learn from my past I learn to I trust my gut. If I’m with someone and it’s doesn’t feel right, 99% it’s my issue and I can’t explain that to anyone but myself. I didn’t take care of myself well enough in the past & allowed myself to ignore red flags. I can’t help how someone is or what they hide but 100% I am responsible for walking away politely when I see a red flag now. I don’t explain my past because i’ve learned from it. I’ve had relationships and learned a lot about myself, that’s all there is to say. Either that or I’m setting the standard of what I’ll put up with! I’ve learned from past relationships fully and I spent a year dating myself so I don’t drag any crap into the next guy I date.
For me, I had to learn I could listen to my inner voice and respect it before meeting anyone else. Today I know what I want and if I don’t feel okay I trust it and can say, “I’ve had a lovely time but I don’t see this going any further”.
Just my experience.
Go for a walk, 10 to 30 minutes a day, alone, after 2 weeks you gonna be in a better mood.