The guy I’m seeing is a bad communicator by my standards (and it’s subjective, so I’m sure some people would think he’s fine.) He doesn’t usually initiate anything. If I message him he messages back, but if I don’t he’ll go days and days without reaching out. What bothers me more is how he is about planning dates. He asked me out the first few times, but since then it seems like I have to suggest meeting up or at least strongly hint at it. When he does, it’s always very last minute. We talked last week and I told him I need him to make plans further in advance if he wants to spend time with me, and he said he’d try. Since then, nothing. He hasn’t texted since we talked in person and hasn’t reached out to make plans.
I don’t need a bunch of ‘he can’t give you what you want so dump him.’ On some level I know that and when I get there I’ll do it on my time. But for now- should I just sit back and see if he ever messages me? When he does, if he wants to meet up with no notice should I say no to set my boundaries? Or is that too much game playing and I should reach out to him if I want to see him and initiate plans like I always do? If I do reach out, does that make him think I wasn’t serious? It seems pointless to reach out and express the same concerns we covered last week, right?
29 comments
You’re overthinking. Sorry but it seems he is not very interested
Is just see how long it takes him to hit you up and if he never does you have your answer. I went through similar with the last guy I went on a date with (def not as long as you) and ya, we ended up not talking anymore because I refuse to do one sided
If you want to stay, then maybe take charge of this situation and you can initiate conversations as well as giving him options for dates. Perhaps he is not very good at these things and that’s what has kept him single. If you really want to give him a chance then I don’t see any other way from what you describe.
You said you don’t need a bunch of “dump him,” but from what you read, it sounds like there’s already nothing there at this point for you to even dump. You said you needed to know further in advance if he wants to spend time with you, he said he’d try, and now you haven’t heard anything, so the only logical conclusion is that he doesn’t care enough to make plans in advance. You told him what the terms of the relationship had to be for it to proceed and, through his actions, he is saying he is not interested.
I don’t think you need to dump him. The guy isn’t actually dating you – you’re just available low hanging fruit for him for whenever he has an itch to scratch but I’m willing to bet once he finds someone he is interested in dating you’ll be left on read.
Infrequent texters are not always poor planners. My fiance doesn’t text much but he used to plan almost all our dates, initiated most communication and was consistent in his efforts.
If he is only responding and never initiating, he doesn’t have enough interest in courting you. Don’t initiate or make plans and see what he does.
Personal boundaries is not game playing. Getting ready for a date takes effort. I personally wouldn’t accept last minute dates especially early in dating.
You’re “dating” my fearful avoidant ex. He will NEVER go back to the guy he was at the beginning. He will not make an equal effort, and any time you do spend with him will be on his terms. He will not show up for you. He doesn’t want to feel responsible for your feelings or needs. He has nothing he is willing to give you. I promise you, I have been there, and it won’t end well for you. If you do break things off, he will be surprised. He’ll eventually come back around and temporarily be “that guy” from the beginning. Then he’ll withdraw again in an endless cycle. Seriously, screenshot my comment because you’ll need it.
I mean really the only option is to dump him. That’s the only option that will make you feel good about yourself. Truly.
It kind of just sounds like he isn’t all that emotionally available. Back when I had issues with that you basically described me to a T. Particularly the responsiveness when you reach out and the very last minute plans.
There are people who are bad texter s but there’s effort. I can be that way not depending on the connection with the person. I may not want to text all the time and would prefer to see them in person or FaceTime but I am generally very active in trying to make and set plans vs how I was where I would make plans if I had nothing else going on as I would refuse to adjust my schedule to make time for people.
In the infamous words of Donell Jones “Ooh say what, say what, say what — you know what’s up!” — It’s okay to waste your own time sometimes, sis. Sometimes it’s also fun to give yourself a headache with the dizziness you know rather than try to engage in other madness.
Pull back and he’ll come forward. Or he won’t and there’s your answer.
You could just… stop texting him and let him drop off the radar by himself. Which is what it sounds like he will do. Not much effort being exerted here and is that what you’re looking for?
He’s not interested in dating you. You aren’t seeing him at all he’s just stringing you along to see what else is out there
You want him to be interested in you and make plans in advance with you – but he is not doing that. And you can’t make him do that.
The only options you have are:
– wait around for him to reach out last minute for a hookup
– reach out and get blown off
– block, block, block him on everything
The good news is, while you decide what to do about this you can keep living the rest of your life, like going out and finding someone worth your time.
What came out of the talk that you had with him? What is the tone of the conversation? Did he explain why he didn’t make plans further in advance? If he doesn’t have an legitimate excuse, I would say he’s not a person that’s capable of making compromises (whatever you say to him goes in one ear and out the next), or he has low-interest, or he’s inconsiderate, or he’s not the type of plan ahead in advance.
I think you really need to understand his motivations before reading the situation any further
You know the answer and yet you’re asking us to enable you to entertain a man that doesn’t meet your needs after you’ve expressed them?
There’s nothing we can give you in this case then. Ask yourself why his behavior is tolerable enough to you that you’re unwilling to end things.
You’re just a woman he can call on last minute. It’s like the last call at the bar type thing. I wouldn’t give this guy another second of my time but Im a guy so flip that. Either way, you’re ignoring the sign that says “heartbreak hotel straight ahead”.
If he wanted to, he would
Guy here. If he is interested he’ll be messaging you and wanting to meet up. That’s what I do if I like someone, although it can get complicated. Obviously you don’t want to be too keen as that can be a turn off for some women. I know from experience they might find it off putting if you’re too interested.
I’d just let it cool off a bit and see if he wants to see you.
Maam. He is giving you most of the classic signs of an uninterested person. Idk what you want us to tell you besides what you want to hear, but if you keep on down this road of hand holding him thru this courtship thing, youre gonna become resentful of being the only one putting in any work to keep the relationship alive. Dont be that person. Hold out for someone who reciprocates your energy and interest. Send him a goodbye text saying ‘the chemistry is lacking but its been nice knowing you, wishing you the best, bye, love.’ And keep it moving.
This is the kind of the thing that deep down we know the answer. If this exact same post was from someone else, what would you advise them to do?
There you have it.
I miss old school dating. OLD is the worst.
That said I miss okd school character and chivalry when dating.
Boy and girl meet, they like eachother, effort goes in, no games, talks of future happens, you don’t end up wasting time and energy on things. Love and life happens.
Now it’s all this huge strategy game. I work in strategy for a living, I really can’t be bothered to do it in my home time.
Just being honest… he’s not that into you
Sounds like he’s trying to slow fade you. Do both of you a favor and stop reaching out.
You’re not going to outmaneuver his disinterest.
Um. I think he’s not into you
I think sometimes it can be helpful to reference the conversation that you had about your concerns. Remind him of what you needed from him and how you’d like that to happen. Then if there’s no change consider your next steps. Good luck 🙂
>But for now- should I just sit back and see if he ever messages me?
Yes. You asked for a need. Now give him some spacce and time to either fulfill the request or not.
>When he does, if he wants to meet up with no notice should I say no to set my boundaries?
Yes. I typically want at least 24-48 hours notice. What are your boundaries?
>Or is that too much game playing and I should reach out to him if I want to see him and initiate plans like I always do?
It’s not game playing to have boundaries and standards. It’s not game playing to want some effort or mutual pursuit. It’s not playing games to have a full, active life where a guy who’s interested is going to need to plan in advance if he wants to be part of it. I typically have plans every day of the week, even if those plans are gping go the gym, getting a pedicure, or doing my laundry. I usually have planned what I’m doing for the next day 24-48 hours in advance. So if a dude called me up asking me to go out the same night, saying I have plans wouldn’t be playing games. It would be true. I’m not going to blow off my plans for someone I just started dating, even if those are simple self-care plans. Plan your life so that when a dude tries to come at you with last minute plans you have to turn him down and not even doubt yourself over it.
You also have to decide which is more important–seeing him or him initiating. For me, the person initiating equally and and showing interest is more important to me than seeing them by any means neccessary. For others, they don’t keep track of who initiates, they just wamt to see the person. Your standards are preferences are up to you.
>If I do reach out, does that make him think I wasn’t serious?
We can’t read his mind, but yes, this would communicate that your boundaries are flexible and he can put in little to no effort and still see you. If you want to keep being the one to initiate, keep reaching out.
>It seems pointless to reach out and express the same concerns we covered last week, right?
Agreed. He heard you. He is fully capable of meeting this request if he wants to. From your description, it doesn’t sound like he does.
I would take a step back and see if he meets you halfway.
Why even sit back and waste your time to see if he ever texts you? Everything he’s doing shows that he’s not that into you. I have low tolerance levels for things like this and would’ve immediately cut him off to find someone better. Time is too precious to be wasting it on someone that you constantly question yourself with.
It doesn’t really sound like you are dating him. If a guy is interested he will put in the effort. Or you are there for convenience. I’ve also learned that no response, is his response. If he says he will try and doesn’t, that is his response that he doesn’t want to. Do what you think is best. If you want to wait and see if he will take action, that is your choice but don’t wait around forever, because you may be waiting a lifetime and pass up something better. There is a guy on Instagram his account is The Love Drive. He has a lot of great advice in these situations. Ben Daley is also great. They are better with explaining it lol