Me (19) and my boyfriend (21) started dating in 2020 for around 6 months, but he ended it because it was too much in school at the moment. Around 3 months later we decided to try again and started dating. We have now been together for around a year. This time everything feels sooo much better. It was hard for me to gain back trust again and I felt like I was treated a bit badly because of how he dealt with everything. I myself have questioned our relationship and have had bad days, mostly because I’m an overthinker and have dealt with anxiety my whole life. However this have only lasted for a day at a time and it always went back to normal.
Recently everything has felt good and stable in our relationship and then out of the blue he just told me that he recently has started to feel distant. Not only from our relationship but from everything. I’ve noticed how he has changed a little bit, but I thought he just had some bad days and didn’t bring it up. He said that he still likes me but that he is unsure I guess, that it’s not something I’ve done wrong. He said that he thinks it may be from all of the stress at university and work. I got really scared and chocked. But we decided to try to and fix things. He is also going away on holidays in about a month, for 3 weeks and said that he wanted to see if things get better before that…
I have given him a lot of space and haven’t been clingy because I know how much he has to do, so we usually meet 2 times per week and I usually also sleep at his place during the weekends. Our resolution is to meet more often and do fun things together before he leaves. I’ve tried to ask him if there is anything else I could do but I think he is really confused.. I have no idea what to do or how to act.. I don’t know if he loves me anymore or is attracted to me at the moment, so I’m afraid to even say “I love you”. But he said that he want everything to be normal. We didn’t have our usual sleepover last week so our sex life is also going downhill. I’m trying my best to be positive and come up with fun things to do, but I can tell that he isn’t like he usually is, I don’t know if it is because he is sad or just not interested…
Have you been through something similar and what helped?
TL;DR: Boyfriend says that he feels distant from everything, including our relationship…
2 comments
If he is distant then that is wrong for the relationship direction. There is a reason why this sub rules expect ages, because it actually matters a great deal.
I’ll assume he is in his early 20s since you mentioned he is in school.
In your early 20s you change DRASTICALLY. Your identity continually shifts which means you can potentially feel detached from everything – which is why relationships tend to be short lived in your 20s.
So right now he loves you but doesn’t know why he is detaches from you. His identity very likly doesn’t include you and most likly won’t. But he nor you know why – but you don’t need to. The fact is that it doesn’t and the chance it will is low, but can be forced for a time.
If you have patience I’d just talk to him about it and you’ll give him space if he needs it. If he’s not doing any planning or anything and you feel that it’s no longer a relationship you want, and he’s not willing to notice or change things, it’s time to call it quits. However, if he communicates the problems well and lays everything on the table, you understand each others expectations, maybe you can work it out. I think everyone has needs in a relationship. If the other person isn’t meeting those needs or making compromises, it’s not going to work.
If someone is stressed or depressed, and theyre still doing their ‘best’, and it’s not good enough for you, it’s up to you what you’re okay with dealing with.