Hi everyone, I need help/advice. My (33F) boyfriend (35M) and I have been together for six years. The first three years were amazing, sex all the time, very satisfying, no complaints. During the pandemic, we both gained weight, I gained about 50lbs, and he gained closer to 100lbs. He was already about 350lbs before the pandemic, so now he is hovering around 450lbs. He carries most of his weight in his stomach. I love him regardless, but our sex life has suffered. Not only am I no longer sexually attracted to him, it’s nearly impossible to have sex. His stomach is too large for me to reach his penis when I am on top of him so woman on top positions don’t work. We try missionary with a pillow under my bottom to get a good angle, but even then it’s difficult to get his penis into me, and even when he manages penetration, he is so out of shape he cannot have sex for more than two minutes tops. He doesn’t climax with me because he is so out of breath from the physical exertion. He is in therapy to address his issues with binge eating and his anxiety around exercise, but I am really becoming frustrated with our inability to have sex. Are there sex positions I’m not aware of that might be more fat friendly? Any advice on any of this would be so appreciated, thank you.

32 comments

  1. For the short term, focus on getting him healthy and don’t expect him to be able to have sex for a while. Find other ways to please each other, go down on each other (oral or manual sex).

    Would doggy style work? That puts a lot of work on him.

  2. There’s no solution here other than weight loss and getting healthier. Both of you should talk about this and work together on a plan with professionals, whether that means exercise, diet, therapy, or baratric surgery.

  3. What about toys or oral? Not a solution to the problem but would that tide you over while he gets healthier?

  5. Honestly if missionary doesn’t work nothing will….

    Best bet to lose weight. You should too, and it that way encourage him.

    Missionary is the best small penis sex position. But if sex only lasts 2 minutes, until the weight issues are addressed even if you’ll get it in it won’t be pleasurable.

    other than that, maybe explore non-penetrative sex, like using toys, fingers..mouth…etc

  6. Get healthier and do it together. There is literally no other option.

    Being that overweight in your 30’s is one step from creating permanent, long term health problems or heart failure.

    Not as severe but me and my wife also gained weight during covid and decided this past Christmas that our new years resolution was for us both to get back into shape, eat better, and exercise 4-5 times a week. We have been doing that for 6 months straight now. Both down over 30lbs each.

    I regret us ever getting to this point. Exercise has straight up turbo charged our sex life. More sex, more energy and waaay more often.

  7. As others have said, it’s time to lose weight, and both of you can see benefits from it. I gained a lot of weight and got up to 255 lb, struggled with stamina and even lost having morning wood. I am now down to 207, have more stamina, and even have morning wood back. 350 lb and 450 lb is not healthy and can lead to other issues. Also, bring up that both of you need to get healthy will make for an easier delivery then say he needs to be the one to lose weight while you don’t. The good news is there are plenty of different ways to work out without needing a gym membership if you look around enough.

  10. Eye on the prize. Lose weight together and twll him he gets to do something special and same for you. It is like holding the carrot in front of the horse. Have fun getting there plus really need to do it for health reasons regardless. That is a very unhealthy weight and no more than ever with COVID.

  12. So a recommendation of what not to do. My wife is a PA and had an “impalment” the other day. The couple was using what they called a “love board” to move her belly out of the way for sex. They made it out of wood and she got a huge sliver into her stomach. They came in with it still around her as they were afraid to remove it.

    So if you do that, maybe plastic?

  13. One of the things I’ve learned from watching My 600 lbs Life (start watching now if you haven’t yet) is that all of these individuals have enablers. Their partners or family cook them unhealthy food, go to fast food restaurants for them and with them, go food shopping with them and participate in buying junk food etc.

    What you were posting is the equivalent to my partner is a heroin addict and he can’t have sex so what other drug could I give him to make it so we can have sex better? He needs to get off the heroin before he dies, sex isn’t what anyone needs to be worried about at that weight. If you’re enabling stop now. Don’t buy or make any more unhealthy food. Encourage him to go to the doctor and get evaluated for bariatric surgery- at this level he’s unlikely to succeed without it.

  14. Gastric sleeves are sometimes covered by insurance. Especially with extreme obesity there may be some options with their medical provider no?

  15. Gotta be worried about his health, get him moving and eating well. It’s not easy as I’m still in my weight loss journey and know first hand but it is possible if you stick with it

  16. I’ve heard of a tablet that goes under the stomach and supports it, allowing to move better but I don’t know what it is..
    It will seem weird, but maybe watching porn with fat/obese people to see what they do or how they do?

    Good luck 🙂

  17. This might sound silly, but have him wear a compression shirt that’s very tight on him. It would act as extra support and keep his stomach out of the way.

  18. Whoa! He needs to workout stat! If he can’t do two mins of thrusting he is likely on the verge of legitimately dying. That should have been a huge wake up call to him. Start with therapy as I have to assume there is some depression at play. Then walks, the hotter put the better. Build from there.

  19. I’m definitely following this. I (36m) went from 270lbs to 315lbs in just a few months of the pandemic. My stomach is also too big, to the point where I don’t even want to have sex because it’ll take more work than I care to put in. My GF (34f) gained maybe 20lbs but now she thinks I don’t find her attractive anymore when in reality I just don’t want to have sex anymore BECAUSE of my large stomach. I’ve tried losing the weight but it never happens.

  24. I just want to refer to this post:[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/v6gg1o/comment/ibgpx8k/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/v6gg1o/comment/ibgpx8k/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)

    Told y’all lmao. But yes, agreed that he needs to lose weight. He specifically is well beyond morbidly obese. You only mention his weight and not your own, so I would imagine you could do with some diet and exercise yourself. You both need to figure out if you’re going to be a fat couple or a healthy couple and decide what to do from there. You know what needs to be done, it’s time to act on it.

  25. Besides working on losing weight, why not do all the other fun parts of sex that don’t include PIV? I read a comment you said he only likes penetration so maybe this could be a good time to spice up that sex life.

  28. While I understand that what people are focusing on here is that OP’s boyfriend needs to lose weight for health reasons, OP’s question was about how to improve their sex lives now. Suggesting that their sex life should be completely put on halt until they both reach xy weight is almost the same as assuming that people with disabilities don’t have a desire or need for sexual intimacy at all.

    I think you need to redefine what sex means in your relationship now. In your post, you seem to be really focused on penetration, but if none of the positions seem comfortable then maybe PIV sex isn’t the way to go now. There are many ways to express sexuality beyond intercourse. Toys, handjobs, oral, mutual masturbation, focusing on other erogenous zones, bdsm, phone sex etc. If you find it hard to adapt your sex life to your current situation this is definitely something a good sex therapist could help you with.

    Two books came to mind that might be helpful:

    *The ultimate guide to sex and disability* by Cory Silverberg and Miriam Kaufman (while being overweight might not be considered as a disability this book is really written for any bodies that are restricted in any way) ; and *Let me count the ways* by Marty Klein – this one is a bit dated but might help with de-emphasising intercourse.

  30. I’m overweight with a large belly. Me sitting on the couch, slouch. You straddle my legs, facing away from me. The guys lifts the fat backwards to enter you .

  31. I’m sorry, but if this isn’t enough to motivate him to lose weight, then not much else can be done.

  32. OP:

    I’m going to recommend a tight compression shirt, mixed with you hanging partially off the bed so he can stand up. He can hold and use your legs as support and find something thay works best for him. Then you can take and spread yourself open for him. Have him wear a cock ring, this will help him maintain his erection and it will also help his penis stick out a bit further.

    As others have said, the long term needs to be getting healthy, but this is the best solution I could come up with off the top of my head for a temporary ” band-aid ” so you guys can be intimate.

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