First off- my amazing boyfriend’s sense of humour is one of my absolute favourite things about him. He makes me laugh to the point where I will randomly think about something he said days later and start giggling to myself like an idiot. He also likes to tease me sometimes, but it’s never cruel. I should also note that I am a very self conscious person- I don’t mind being poked fun at with certain things, but I get very paranoid about whether I’ve made a bad impression on certain people.
So, all that being said- sometimes he will jokingly ask his family for stupid favours pretending that I asked for them. It stresses me out.
For example, a few months ago I asked him for a massage. He massaged my left shoulder for a few minutes and then said his ‘hand hurt’ so he was stopping. I hated how ‘unequal’ my shoulders felt and asked him to pleeeease massage the right one as well, but it just wasn’t happening. A few minutes later his mom came into the room, and he said to her ‘mom, B asked if you would give her a message, her back is stiff.’
I was completely frozen in embarrassment while his mom said ‘um… I’m a little tired but maybe another time’. I quickly tried to laugh it off and explain that I hadn’t asked for this and that he was just joking, but it just felt like I was ‘protesting too much’. She sort of nodded and laughed and we moved on. I told him that I was really embarrassed by it and begged him to never do anything like that again, but he just committed to the joke. I don’t think I made it clear how embarrassed I was by it.
Then today, it happened again. He has a sister my age who will sometimes hand down old and unwanted clothes to me. It’s really kind of her and I love that she does that. She handed down some shirts today and I was really happy about it. However, a few hours later, I heard my boyfriend go back to her and say ‘E, do you have any more clothes for B? She wants more clothes’. She said ‘no’. He came back into the room I was in and I asked him why he would ask her that, it makes me look so rude. I told him to stop.
HE THEN picks up a random shirt of hers that was outside her room, and says ‘E, do you still want this white shirt that says ‘California’ on it or can B have it??’. He does this a couple of times and she keeps saying no. I don’t know if she knew he was joking, and I was worried that going to her and saying ‘I never said that!! Don’t listen to him!’ would again just make it look like I was protesting too much out of embarrassment, so I just stayed in the other room and told him on the way home that I HATE THAT HE DID THAT and that it makes me look SO RUDE. Admittedly though, it somehow did make me laugh, which discredits my point when I’m trying to tell him I don’t want him to do this.
Two times isn’t a pattern, but I don’t want him to ever do this again. The thing is he 100% finds it absolutely hilarious when he does this. He knows I hate it, he knows how it makes me feel, but I just can’t convince him that this is making me look weird and rude, and that I need him to stop. I know communication is key and that’s always the bottom line for these posts, but I’m clearly not saying the right things here to convince him. So, ‘funny boyfriends’ and those who have them, what can I say to get him to stop this?
**Tl;dr: boyfriend makes it seem as though I ask for really audacious favours and I’m looking for advice on getting through to him that it’s stressful, not funny.**
19 comments
He already knows you don’t like it.
Ask him why it’s more important to him to be “the funny guy” than it is to respect your wishes.
Two strikes. That behaviour is SO not ok in my book, particularly as you’ve already told him how uncomfortable it makes you feel, and for some idiotic reason he’s doubled down. I think they only thing you can do is, when it happens again, and *right then*, say to the sister or whoever “Sister, I emphatically did NOT say that. Please know that I did NOT say that, and this is just some weird idea of a joke from BF.” and then to BF “I told you I am not okay with you doing this. It is not funny to me. It is hurtful and I’ve told you to stop. Why do you keep doing it?” Rinse and repeat.
Where is this “protesting too much” coming from? I’ve never heard of someone being more embarrassed disputing a lie than letting the lie happen that’s kinda wild. Start publicly calling him out and him being the one embarrassed might work to solve the problem.
Tell him again that you don’t think it’s funny and it just creates awkwardness. You don’t want him to keep doing this when you’ve told him you don’t like it.
The next time he wants to play this game, play it right back. “You’re being SO WEIRD. It’s bizarre that you would even say something like that even though I told you I don’t like it when you do this stuff.” Keep your face neutral and your tone even. He wants a reaction and won’t get one.
When he says things like that you immediately say “don’t listen to him, he thinks he’s being funny.”
He’s not funny, he’s a bully. The next time he does that, walk away from him and leave if you can. Maybe he’ll quit if you don’t react to his “joke.”
“Stop being so rude. You’re embarrassing yourself more than anyone.”
Say it deadpan and then move on immediately in a dismissive way. Let him taste the sting of embarrassment until he grows tired of it.
“He knows how it makes me feel”
He isn’t hurting you by accident. The entire point of what he’s doing us to make you feel bad.
You’re right that communication is key. My wife and I both enjoy teasing each other, although we try to keep it playful and not make each other the butt of the joke in public. I understand sometimes taking it too far or wanting to keep the joke going if it got a laugh out of you (even though it was nervous/awkward laughter and not real humor).
In order for us to deal with this, we came up with a whole relationship safeword (not just a sex thing). It means 100% unequivocally “I’m serious,” and we both respect it. If she says, “Oh my god, stop it, hahaha,” I might keep needling her. If she says the safeword, I immediately back off. If I tell her, “Safeword, don’t tell my brother about the time x happened, it’s embarassing,” she’ll never breathe a word of it.
You need to have a conversation with him outside of the joking. Tell him how it made you feel and that you weren’t laughing because you enjoyed it but because you were uncomfortable and didn’t know how else to cope. You don’t necessarily need to establish a safeword; it should be enough that “No” means no and “Stop It” means stop it. If he cares about you more than he cares about cracking jokes, he will respect the boundary that you set. If he doesn’t, he’s not worth it and you shouldn’t hang around waiting for him to change.
Info: why is he working so hard to hurt your relationship with his family?
The first red flag for me is when you asked him to massage your shoulders and he didn’t massage both of them but started with just one. Who does that?
what exactly is the joke here? there’s no punchline he’s just making you look bad to his family on purpose. that’s bullying. he knows it upsets you and doesn’t care that he’s hurting you and your reputation with his family.
Him being funny doesn’t also mean he isn’t a jerk. He has no problem making you uncomfortable to amuse himself. That’s jerk behavior
Protest all you want. At this point I’d say “I’m sorry about that, he thinks it’s hilarious to ask rude things like that and pretend it’s from me”
Stop getting upset, stop getting flustered, stop making it fun for him.
Also, do you really want to date this guy? Who gets so much joy out of making you look rude and making you uncomfortable?
You need to have a serious convo about this and don’t laugh it off. He might be enjoying getting a rise out of you and forgetting that others are not going to be quite that comfortable with his family. Be direct, tell him this is not ok with you. If any relationship you’re in is going to last you have to be able to communicate your needs
>He knows I hate it, he knows how it makes me feel, but I just can’t convince him that this is making me look weird and rude, and that I need him to stop.
It shouldn’t matter that he doesn’t agree that it makes you look weird and rude, it should matter that it makes you very embarrassed and uncomfortable. But you have to consider the fact that he likes to make you uncomfortable and there’s no convincing him to stop, the humiliation is the point.
Your husband is not funny.
Yeah he sucks, sounds like a real child
His family have had to put up with this sense of humour for longer than you have and are a) probably on your side and b) aware that he is behind these weird requests. I laughed a lot at this post and might do this to my partner later.