I’m a 23M struggling with how to connect with people;
I have a lot on my mind, so please bear with me.
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I was always a quiet and reserved person, but before the pandemic I at least had friends from school or games that I could talk to, joke with, hang out with, and share interests with. However, now I don’t have any friends or even anyone that I can connect with because during the pandemic I was really in a bad mental state. I experienced financial insecurity (from parents getting laid off of work), broken promises (the study abroad I yearned for was cancelled due to lockdown), and the overall stress of being locked down in a small and noisy home while still required to study for my classes, caused my AvPD to surge. As a result, I stopped responding to friends and, in turn, they’ve stopped initiating conversations with me.
I have been alone for about **2 years** now and I noticed that my social skills have plummeted. I have become **extremely** socially awkward and I can’t “connect” with people or even my friends like I used to:
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# (1) My eye contact is way too intense
I can sense that people are looking at me weird or are scared to continue interacting with me. One day, I ordered takeout because I was depressed and didn’t feel like leaving my house or cooking. The delivery driver that handed me my food was nice and had positive energy, I wanted to reciprocate that positive energy back to her but I couldn’t hold my smile for too long since I just wasn’t really in the mood. I could tell that she sensed weird vibes from me when she left because of my potentially soulless stare and sudden change in facial expression. This took a further toll on my self-esteem.
# (2) I no longer have casual conversations with people
I just can’t open up to people. Since the pandemic, I was depressed, so I binge-watched (and still do) K-Pop and Twitch content since they were the only things that made me *genuinely* happy. It’s just amazing the amount of effort these influencers put into their content or how frequently they update us with their fascinating lives to entertain and distract us from our own miserable lives. I can’t even share these interests with people or even my former friends now without the possibility of them thinking that I’m weird. I also feel like, since the pandemic, my attention span has dramatically stagnated for topics that I have no interest in—that I don’t have the willpower to at least ask further questions about a topic.
# (3) I don’t know how to respond in the moment
Some people apologize profusely when they are in my way or when I have to wait for something, even though they obviously don’t have to. A normal person would say to them, “Oh, you’re fine!” or “No worries! Take your time!”, but for some reason I’m just not able to respond like I want to in the moment. I end up not responding at all and it causes them to worry even more… I guess I’m afraid that if I do tell them to ‘not worry’, it could come off as disingenuous or that I would somehow embarrass myself by stumbling my words.
# (4) I just don’t seem to care about people anymore
**It has come to point to where I sometimes care about K-Pop idols more than I do my friends and family. There were times where I would cry when learning about the hardships of certain K-Pop idols (e.g. when TWICE Momo was eliminated from the show Sixteen) or I would smile from cheek-to-cheek just from the sight of certain celebrities, but then I would feel indifferent when a family member shares with me some of their issues (e.g. unemployment, death of grandparent).**
**It’s sad really.**
It has also come to the point to where I want to be as *far away* from people as I can, including my family and friends. I just want to be alone so that I have the freedom to think and to become more mature on my own without being held back by certain people in my life. I don’t want to be treated as if I’m still a little kid, even though I have proven several times that I’m capable of being independent (though I do admit that I sometimes lack common sense as a result of being sheltered my entire life). I also just don’t want to be mocked for my interests and shamed for ghosting; I’m aware that, ironically, ghosting in itself is a vicious cycle—the more I ghost someone, the more I fear being ridiculed by them, causing me to ghost them even more.
But at the same time, I *yearn* for true friendship and intimacy. I want to have someone or some people that I feel *connected* to. That I can occasionally hang out with on a whim and have meaningful conversations with. That always has my back and I always have theirs. That I feel comfortable sharing my true interests and beliefs with them without being mocked for it. That I feel comfortable crying in front of. That I can trust. I also want a girlfriend that I’m genuinely interested in and that she is genuinely interested in me. That I can protect and maybe even she could protect me. That will have me smile from cheek-to-cheek from their presence alone similar to how I feel with certain K-Pop idols.
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I’ve been trying to be more productive this year by trying a lot of new hobbies as well as improving my original hobbies. I’ve been practicing dancing, singing, rapping, skincare, hygiene, coding, video editing, fashion, gaming, animating, stock market trading, language learning, and the list goes on…
**But what is the purpose all of this if I have no one to create memories with and to bond over with these experiences?**
I just no longer feel like I’m living in the present. Days are going by so quickly now. It feels like only a matter of time before I turn 24… then 25, then 30, still alone occasionally consuming the captivating lives of influencers (that I will probably never have due to my lack of social skills and lack of financial security) to distract me from my miserable and lonely life. I’ll probably die alone, without having a single impact on anyone on this planet.
Sorry, this just turned into a rant.
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That begs the question…
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1. What steps should I take to *genuinely* connect with people and how can I keep myself accountable to avoid losing interest in them the following day? I have a habit of making a great first impression on people, but then I unfortunately revert back to avoidant mode the following day.
2. How can I start opening up to people without the massive fear of being mocked or neglected in my vulnerable state? I think I’m sensitive about this because I’ve experienced multiple gaslighting from peers and even my best friend during middle school. On the other side of the spectrum, how can I *genuinely* start caring for people again, even during *their* vulnerable states?
3. Is it possible for me to regain and expand upon my emotional intelligence? Am I too far gone?
4 comments
Practice makes perfect. There’s no “secret strategy” you need to go out and socialize with people.
I really feel you on a lot of these. You’re not alone, friend. Bold of you to share here. Keep striving to contribute positively to the world around you. Intentions matter.
Your not alone man. It sucks I know but I feel the only way to fix this is to force yourself through the awkwardness and to start socializing again. In the past month ive slowly been doing this and its definitely making a difference.
As long as you keep being overly fearful, people will notice and feel that vibe coming from you. People notice the way you carry yourself and the vibes you give off. When you are nervous/anxious/overthinking/worrying a lot, your verbal and nonverbal actions tend to show it. If you keep acting this way, people will stop associating with you because it’s a negative vibe. You are essentially conveying that you are indeed unworthy to hold a conversation with them or be around them and that they need to be constantly reassuring you. That’s not what you want to convey, and it’s nobody else’s job but your own to validate and reassure yourself. People gravitate towards self confidence, not anxiety.
Try this. Genuinely connect with people in real life e.g. ask how they are, their hobbies, interests, goals, opinions, etc. Listen and pay attention to what people say. Share those things about yourself when asked. People also subconsciously attach you to the value you bring. The value you bring is a clear, unique, and convincing reason why people will interact with you, let alone do so constantly. So Find ways to add value to their lives. Having In person interactions is the easiest way to stand out from countless people who text or message. People remember and favor in person interactions because of the positive vibes. If your hobbies, skills, talents align with their interests or can help them, bring it up and offer to help them. Finally, learn how to be genuinely busy in your life pursuing your goals and hobbies, while interacting with people on the side. People are hardwired to be repulsed by neediness and desperation and instead gravitate towards those who are self confident and well rounded in life. They want to see active confirmation of you actually doing something in your life other than just talking to them. So chase excellence, not people.