I (25F) have been married to my husband (36M) for a little less than three years, and we have two kids together. I gave birth to our son about four weeks ago, following what felt like the most painless, uncomplicated pregnancy and delivery I could have imagined. From the waist down I feel fine, but in every other way, it seems, I’m a wreck. Just exhausted at all times, uncharacteristically irritable and sad, scarcely half as nurturing as I should be, and above everything else, totally disinterested in sex.
I told my husband I’ve been experiencing a lot of pain—pain that he remembers I had every step of the way after our first, but pain that does not exist right now. I lied to my doctor. I told her at my last appointment that I was struggling with X, Y, and Z physical conditions, and it was all quite literally just a ploy to get her to tell me, in front of my husband, that I should continue to abstain from sex until those “problems” went away.
The truth is, I don’t want to have to tell my husband again that I just don’t want to have sex right now. My first pregnancy did put me through a lot of pain, which, in turn, diminished my libido. My husband really disliked that. He wouldn’t voice his discontent for some time, but I noticed he wouldn’t really act like a parent, or my partner, when we weren’t having sex on a semi-regular basis. He’d be less engaged, less willing to pick up the slack where I needed him to, less happy overall, and I felt really alone the first couple weeks. When I pointed this out to him and asked if he was behaving this way because of the lack of sex, he admitted to it.
Against my better judgment (and my physician’s recommendation), I caved about 2.5 weeks postpartum and had sex with him. And seeing how much it seemed to improve his attitude, I kept doing it, pretty much on a daily basis. It was nothing like the sex we had pre-baby, because these were essentially masturbation sessions for him to blow off steam and sexual frustration. I really didn’t like it, and he knew it, but I tolerated it because I needed him there, and actually present. He also said that he hated using condoms because they made him feel less connected to me, so we stopped using them. Enter Pregnancy #2 within a month.
Which brings us to today. Leaving my last doc appointment, I cringed hearing him say he couldn’t wait to fuck me “for real this time” because I’ve basically just been blowing him nonstop. I tried telling him that, even if my doctor cleared us to have sex, I still might not be in the right headspace to have penetrative sex, and *really* don’t want to risk a third pregnancy right now, and he told me he’d get me there regardless, just like last time. I hate that I’m lying so much, but, at the same time, I don’t feel like the truth is getting me anywhere with my husband any time soon.
5 comments
If you lie and don’t feel safe to talk to him, it only goes downhill from here. Just tell him plain and simple that you need more time. Not maybe, not nothing. You say no and he needs to wait and support you until you are up for it.
Generally speaking, if lying takes place in a marriage, problems will only grow, lies will keep piling up, and unhappiness will take place of love until one cheats or divorces the other.
You have to find the courage to be brutally honest and open with how you feel, or be ready for a world of pain and unhappiness.
You should sort these issues out after the first baby, now you have two babies, have you considered therapy/counselling for the both of you?
You have two children now. That’s tiring. You may also have some postpartum depression. I’m happy your husband desires you, but also damn. Uncool. I don’t have any decent advice. I wish I did. Best I have is you need to be honest with him.
This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. He sounds abusive and you sound like you’re struggling, whether post natal depression or just as a result of his abuse. If you want to save the marriage and yourself, try therapy or something
You’re 25. He’s 36. He’s abusive and he has already raped you. You just gave birth 4 weeks ago. Grab the kids and go to a safe place. This is not a relationship or a safe situation.
You need to think about yourself and your kids. Do you really want to continue like this? Do you really want them to grow up with a father like that? What if you’d get really ill, would be in the hospital for an extended period of time – are you 100% sure he wouldn’t do anything to your kid(s)?
There are safe houses and resources to help you get and stay out. You need to get a restraining order, you need a lawyer. It sounds scary and overwhelming, but you’re not gonna be alone. Please be safe, please get out.