Hi, I (20M) have been dating my girlfriend (19F) for the past year but we’ve been talking on and off for the last 3 years. For trying to stay anonymous, I’ll call myself Jack and my girlfriend Marie.
Before anything, I’ve never been an insecure person, I’ve never been controlling or anything of the sort to anyone in my life.
My relationship with Marie has been honestly amazing. Yes we’ve had a few bumps in the road but nothing that isn’t normal. Each time Marie would address the problem with me and I’d quickly work to solve it or make sure that it wouldn’t bother us. About 3 weeks ago Marie’s best friend (Avi) Introduced her to her boyfriends best friend (Han). For context Avi introduces Marie to Han. I’ve also known Han for the past year and knows how he acts. Immediately Han is invited to Marie’s house to hangout with Avi and herself.
Han has been hoping around from girl to girl. Like a lot. I’m aware of this and have been incredibly uncomfortable with him hanging out with Marie. Han has also been texting her and swiping up on her insta stories. I explained the problem to Marie but it didn’t go the way I had planned. She had essentially said that Han can be flirty and pushy but there’s nothing to worry about because she doesn’t reciprocate his energy. I then said it makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable but Marie said that “it’s a you problem”. I explained that the opinion of someone she’s met for 2 weeks shouldn’t undermine the person she’s been dating for a year and talking to for 3 years.
I bundled up my emotions for a week and got these stomach wrenching anxiety and was very worried. This past week Han decided to send her a get well gift. I’m no expert on being friendly or nice but no one sends a get well gift to your house after knowing you for a week. This is where I’m the asshole, I showed up to Marie’s house the same day to give her the ultimatum that to cut him off or I’m gone, I had felt far too uncomfortable, to the point that I couldn’t sleep at night.
Marie said she would distance herself but not cut him off. After her mom explained to her that I wasn’t being controlling but that I loved her and wanted the best for us, and honestly that’s true, I’ve always wanted the best for her. Her mother even noticed the signs that he was being flirty and trying to be slick. I reluctantly agreed to this, but after 2 days from the ultimatum she explained to me that she’s a “social person” and her having to cancel plans or miss them because Han would be there and make myself uncomfortable would slowly build up resentment inside of her. She restated her early points that I need to trust her, and I do, I don’t trust Han whatsoever. I told her that we wouldn’t fight each other but rather we’d fight the problem together.
What we’ve created is for Marie to hang out with them every other plan, I feel like this doesn’t truly work.
TL:DR friend is being pushy and flirty on my girlfriend making me very uncomfortable. Gave girlfriend the ultimatum; cut him off or we’re done. she said she’ll distance herself. After distancing herself she wants to go back to normal with Han.
5 comments
Look, you can’t control other ppl. If a dude wants to hit on your gf, he’s going to. However, if you don’t trust your gf to shut that down and enforce proper boundaries ON HER OWN (cause though you guys are young, you’re old enough to know right from wrong), then don’t be dating her. And if Han’s been hopping from girl to girl, isn’t it super likely he’s just gonna meet someone else soon enough to take up his attn? And Marie already said she would distance herself.
If you can’t trust her after 3 years break up
What do you think your GF is going to do? It’s clear you don’t trust her.
Ultimatum was a pretty bad move, but the reality is that you expressed your discomfort and she doesn’t seem to be respecting it. Seems like she likes the attention from the guy even if she won’t be acting on it, especially with that “social person” comment. Generally speaking, if I’m in a serious relationship and someone is flirting with me, I try to shut it down entirely, and if I can’t, I cut off contact. My current girlfriend has expressed that she would do the same, because if her interest is being friends with him, well he clearly isn’t on the same page and doesn’t just want to be friends. I’d go so far as to call it him being disrespectful towards your relationship and ultimately you, so if you agree you need to decide if it’s ok that she’s allowing someone to disrespect your relationship and you, or not. Don’t give ultimatums tho as a general rule of thumb. Express your feelings and thoughts, if it comes to a solution great, if not, then you need to decide whether or not that lack of solution is a dealbreaker for you, and break up or stay together. An ultimatum comes off as controlling/manipulative even though I’m sure you aren’t
So you expect her to cancel plans or not to go to some gathering if Han will be there? Because your girlfriend offered a fair compromise, to limit their interactions, but you’re not comfortable with this. That’s unfair, to expect your girlfriend to not go to anything where Han is at. You can ask for no one-on-one interactions, but what you’re doing doesn’t sound like you trust your girlfriend.
And by the way, ultimatums suck in situations like this, and you’ve got to be prepared to not have it go your way, too. We’re you prepared to actually end your relationship over your girlfriend interactions with Han?