Hello everyone. Im gonna start off by saying this post might be very long, as I will need to address every aspect of this relationship to fully understand it to give me an honest opinion or advice. I will try to keep it as short and concrete as possible but I also understand if you cba and skip to the tldr.
About us:
So I (23m) and my girlfriend (22f) have known each other for around 7 years. We are nearly 5 years together, and live nearly 3 years together. We are/were very happy together for every single day, and will always stay friends even of we break up as a couple.
The following situations are required to know, to show how we both are always there for eachother no matter what happened in our lives.
My situation:
I’ve never really liked the idea of going to school, and have always worked after high school. Dropping out of college occasionally and restarting a program I would think I’d enjoy. I’ve always been financially stable and didn’t need a lot to enjoy life. I’ve got my own car, licence, we live together in our own rental house, etc. She has always supported me and I’m very grateful to have ever her in my life.
Her situation:
She’s has a very long medical record, starting when she was born, up to now. I’ve always been there for her in that area, as she has developed personal issues and I’d always reassure her that she’s beautiful the way she is. We’ve been through doctors appointment together on a scooter to driving 200 km back and forth in my car to hospital appointments (surgery, checkups and whatnot) and she’s forever grateful to me for that.
The list can go on and on from both our sides but you get the point. We love each other as friends and more and have always been there for each other.
Problems before moving in:
We have had a break or break up before. Not sure which it was.
The reason that I initiated a breakup was because there was another woman in her life which she had feelings for. She is, I think, in her 40s. The feelings she had for her weren’t exactly love like a couple does, but strong enough for her that it would impact her daily life. Crying over her, thinking about her, that sort of thing.
In the period of time we weren’t together, we would still hang out and hug/kiss each other. It’s hard for us to not be around as we loved each other a lot.
Well, over time, she said she got over her and was now only friends. She thought she could handle her feelings towards her. This made me happy as I had a feeling I would be placed second. All I wanted was for her to love me, and one else.
So here’s more about my problems. Before moving together I would occasionally enjoy weed by myself or with friends. She knew about it but as we didn’t live together, it was fine then. I just didn’t smoke when meeting with her.
Before we moved together, I asked her if she still had feelings for the woman. She said no, so I had no problems moving in with her knowing she would have her heart for me only. She asked me if I could stop smoking weed altogether. I said yes, that’s fine with me.
So we moved in. We were a happy couple for a long time. We would be dating over 2 years so it was about time for us, we were with each other every single day, so why not.
But if there weren’t any problems, I wouldn’t be here writing a long loving story, so here it is:
She was very sad, and I asked a lot of the times why. She couldn’t tell me. One day she wanted to get very drunk, only then would she tell me. Again, it was about the same women, that she had feelings for her. I got very sad to hear it, hated it, but couldn’t blame her. It’s her heart, after all. Some time passed and I’ve gotten to accept it but wasn’t exactly happy with it.
I started smoking weed again, secretly. I needed an escape and time for me go think about it. I’d be smoking at night, or at a friend having a good time. This lasted around half a year, until one day she found out. She was shocked because I kept it a secret. She has always been honest with me, so naturally I find myself guilty and stupid. I said sorry a million times to her and told her I’d stop using weed.
So I did, never did it again.
Some time passed. In these times I was resentful towards her for having feelings for a woman, which I asked about having them before moving in, in which she said no, but actually had them. And she was resentful towards me for smoking weed solo or having a good time with friends while doing so without ever telling her about it even though I’d told her I quit when moving in.
Although we were sometimes passive aggressive, our love for each other was still there every day and blooming, going on vacation together, being supportive and whatnot.
The breaking point and my cry for help towards you, the reader:
I confronted her about wanting to smoke again with a few friends. She said she didn’t want a boyfriend or man of her future to smoke ever, and didn’t want to be associated with anyone who smokes whatsoever.
We talked about this for hours, in my view its only 1-3 times having a good time with my peers, but she would still refuse to let me.
So it comes down to a breakup. We’re still together, but basically both have an ultimatum. She wants me to find a place of my own if that’s my choice. Or mine, I want her to accept for what I want to do in life.
Yesterday was a breaking point, we had a discussion and I ended up going out of the house, going to my best friend at 3 am. I drove back home at around 5am and went to go to sleep together while cuddling because we missed each other.
What do I do in this situation? We’re perfectly fine aside from our problems and the love still runs deep. I accepted her love for another woman she’s now friends with, but she won’t accept what I want to do.
Side notes: we have time for ourselves, no other problems, split every cost 50/50, her family loves me, mine loves her, everything else is perfect.
Tl;dr
We love each other a lot and have our own problems but we can’t seem to agree on one specific topic which leads to a breakup while we still love each other.
Please tell me what you think of this situation from a strangers perspective
5 comments
Info: is it legal in your state to smoke the way you want to/what you want to?
Shes emotionally cheating( as far as you know) on you with this women and youre choosing drugs over her. Call me an asshole but im really not sure how strong this love yall got really is.
Of course it hurts its a breakup dude, seriously rip off the bandaid and stop attention seeking in the hopes of getting a sympathy rebound off reddit ffs
I can’t understand, she loves you and this other woman in the same time? Probably this break up is to the best then.
I don’t think she has the right to tell you what to put in your body. She can, of course, break up over it if she feels that strongly about it. But will she really want to, in the end, or is the ultimatum a hollow attempt to control you?
You can tell her you intend to smoke weed with friends, that you won’t be high around her, that you don’t want to break up, but if she decides to break up with you you’ll respect that. And be there if she changes her mind. You can be honest with her, have your own boundaries, and leave the ball in her court, so to speak. It doesn’t sound like her coping with alcohol is that different from you coping with weed. You forgave the ways she’s imperfect and human, maybe she will do the same, maybe she won’t. Nobody wants to date imperfect humans anymore, they all want perfection, and wonder why they keep breaking up.