Should I (30F) give up on trying to see the woman who raised (84F) me one last time?

Let me start by saying that my life is falling apart and I’m pretty desperate at this point.

I was raised by my grandma, who will be 90 this year. The house in which I grew up, however, belonged to my grandma’s life-long best friend, with whom she has now lived for over 50 years. This amazing woman, let’s call her Beatrice, raised me as if I were her own child as well.. and she is now dying.

Beatrice’s 2 year-long battle with pancreatic cancer is about to end. I haven’t lived in my birth country for years but returned the very next day upon hearing the news… and nothing could have prepared me for what I found once I arrived.

No one can visit nor receive any information about Beatrice except for one of her sisters, let’s call her Rita. Rita was not in the picture while I was growing up, the two sisters were estranged for many many years, only having made amends in the last decade. For the 2 years Beatrice was sick, Rita convinced everyone – Beatrice included – that she was the only one who could go to the hospital with her or see her. Mind you, this might have been the case at first, due to COVID regulations, but I have confirmation from the hospital now that the only reason why we cannot see Beatrice is that Rita simply won’t allow it.

My grandma and I have tried to convince Rita to let us say goodbye to her sister Beatrice, but to no avail. She is conniving in the way that she says these are hospital rules, it’s not within her control, etc. To make matters worse, my 90-year-old grandma is suffering from onset dementia which Rita uses to her benefit. As far as I can tell, each time my grandma asks whether she can see Beatrice, Rita’s reply is “I don’t know, why don’t you go there tomorrow and try?”… knowing full well that no matter how many times she tries, they won’t let her in and she will eventually forget and try again.

Recently, I decided to wait for her right outside the hospital wing where Beatrice is, accompanied by a few nurses, to confront her. She refused to explain herself and eventually verbally and physically attacked me by shoving me and pulling my hair. This extreme outburst finally made me realize something larger was at play here. I went to Beatrice’s home (my childhood home) and lo-and-behold: I found a post-it note with step-by-step instructions on how to change Beatrice’s will. **This is all about some will!** (Note: We don’t know and have no way of knowing whether Rita succeeded in this).

Now a bit of backstory: Beatrice is a very straight shooter. She had told my grandma and I that, in her will, it would be stated that my grandma could keep living in the house in which she has lived for over half a century until her own death. She will not be keeping it, just allowed to live in it – that’s it. According to her, I am not included in this will at all, and I am completely at peace with that. I’m a grown woman, I live abroad, and I have my own assets and my own life. Regardless, neither my grandma nor I want anything at all from Beatrice, all we want right now is to say goodbye.

Back to the present, since that altercation things only got worse. Rita, who until now was at least providing my grandma with daily or near-daily updates, has stopped picking up the phone altogether. Beatrice herself used to have her phone at the hospital, and would sometimes pick up and speak a bit with us, but she has not picked up the phone again since. We’re not sure whether this is because her health has deteriorated or because Rita took her phone away. The last time I spoke with Beatrice was last Saturday, and **she kept asking to see me and my grandma.** The hospital, however, says she’s not in any state to make decisions concerning herself.

So I contacted a lawyer who is ready to start a motion to have the hospital allow us to visit, but **I need to know Rita’s address in order to proceed.** I’ve made a million calls, first to friends, and eventually to some of Beatrice’s other family members in order to achieve this, with no success. Unfortunately, word has gotten back to Rita that I’ve been asking about her, which makes me wonder whether she’d even tell my grandma and me when Beatrice passes away. I don’t think it’s past her to purposely not allows us to go to the funeral.

At this point, I am truly desperate. I’ve been trying to help but since coming here things have gotten worse. My grandma knows the street corner on which Rita lives and knows it’s on the 4th floor, but she cannot remember the door number. The only option would be to **wait outside that general area to see which door she comes out of so that a lawyer can help.**

Is this worth trying? Should I give up since I’ve only managed to make things worse?