My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2yrs and so far it’s been great. He’s a sweet guy, super responsible, puts up with my dumbassery, and usually pretty communicative. He’s a bit stubborn but it’s never been anything too bad. I’ve known about his picky eating habits before but it was never really an issue since we didn’t live together. We could order different things at restaurants or when we did cook, it was once a month at best and we just picked something we both liked.
The thing is we’re now talking about moving in together, and I just can’t see how we can combine our diets with some compromise. I grew up vegetarian, and while I can and do cook and eat meat, I love eating vegetables. My boyfriend on the other hand almost exclusively eats grains, chicken, and sausages. He hates most vegetables for various reasons, either the taste or the texture. It’s so specific that he sometimes only eats vegetables in certain forms like only tomatoes in sauce form, cut tomatoes (raw or roasted) are a no go for him. This doesn’t have anything to do with allergies or his family/culture. They all eat more veggies than him.
(Before anyone thinks it’s because he just generally acts like a child, it’s really only with veggies. Otherwise, he’s a pretty responsible adult, really responsible with his money and definitely washes his bedsheets more than I do. He also always has a Tide pen on him to treat stains. Likes to wash the dishes. Again, it’s really just his pickiness.)
I asked the other day if he could work on eating more/different kinds of veggies, so it’d be easier to cook things together. He:
a)didn’t think it was that big of a deal/that necessary
b)said that I wasn’t compromising either by not adding meat to my meals
c)said I wasn’t understanding of his culture which has meat with every meal (he is white; I am not)
All in all, his arguments were pretty weak, and I was not impressed. I’m not asking him to eat something crazy. We’re talking about cauliflower, eggplant, un-sauced tomatoes, all of which his family eats cause again, he’s a picky eater within his own family. It’s a about the cuisine either since we both eat at tons of different restaurants, just never the same things. I also never said I wouldn’t eat meat. I already eat meat, have eaten it with him, and adding chicken or sausage to a meal is easier than scrapping 90% of veggies from my diet. If it was just not eating one or two things, that’s fine, but this would reshape my entire diet. I wouldn’t be able to cook anything I ate growing up except for potatoes.
As for why it’s important, the two of us buying separate groceries and cooking separate meals for 50+ years until we die is makes no sense. (His response: “I can afford to pay for extra groceries if that’s what you’re worried about. ” It was not) If we have kids, which meal do they get, mine or his? How do you get a kid to try something new and eat veggies when they can say “But Dad’s not?”
Ultimately, I just let the convo go cause there’s still time before we move in, but we definitely need to have this talk before we move in. He can not eat veggies if he wants but then I don’t think our lifestyles are that compatible. And we probably shouldn’t live together. What’s the best way to bring this up again and make this man get used to veggies?
34 comments
he’s gonna get scurvy
He may not be childlike in other regards but this is specifically childish. Not eating any vegetables? It’s just silly. Not sure how to break him out of this though.
If he does not care about his health, you’ll just have to let him eat what he wants. You both, however have a responsibility to instill good eating habits in your kids. Also consider he may not live as well on his diet, so prepare for healthcare in the future.
It sounds to me your going to have two very different dinner đ„ plates at the table – just agree to disagree – and move on I have hated most vegetables for most of my life because my mother could not cook them right to save her life so everything taste like mush taking my second wife to teach me that some of them can be edible –
This is not a hard situation. You both shop as you normally would.
You DO NOT have to “combine” a damn thing.
I got a wife and 2 teenage daughters, there are times where I’m literally cooking 3 different meals at once.
As for IF you have children…..You feed them EVERYTHING and let them decide what they like and don’t like.
JMO, do what you will.
Tbh I don’t think this is something to break up over. If it were me I would just meal prep my portions and leave him.to cook for himself. As for your children they will eat both kinds just make sure to get yours in there when they are young so they get used to a variety of flavors and make sure you have a talk with him that even though he doesn’t eat veggies he can’t talk sh*t on veggies around your kids. My husband never ate veggies (and would like, literally gag) when we were dating and now a few years later he eats them at every meal. I cook them way better than his mom did and eventually he got curious.
He’s really missing a lot of good nutrients that vegetables provide. If he’s only eating grains and meat, I’d probably assume that his health isn’t the best? Grains have a lot of carbs, meat a lot of cholesterol. Both can cause issues. Those are things you should have in moderation.
I’m not really sure what culture he’s referring to where eating vegetables isn’t a thing or where you have to eat meat with each meal. I’m white and I’ve never heard of this.
Either way, you absolutely don’t have to join him. There isn’t anything wrong with the way you eat. I’d be concerned with his diet though.
>As for why it’s important, the two of us buying separate groceries and cooking separate meals for 50+ years until we die is makes no sense.
My husband was a picky eater and this was literally what we did. I ate my food, he ate his and it wasn’t much source of friction at all. Some things we shared, but not much.
The pickiness came mostly from his parents being a) unadventurous cooks and b) forcing him to ‘leave a nice clean plate’. It gave him a dread of vegetables even above not liking the taste.
I, meanwhile, like to try new foods all the time and love my veggies.
It really wasn’t an issue, honestly. Also, in time, he relaxed and got more adventurous. It was just very rare we both sat down to the same actual meal, outside of meals with, or as guests.
I feel like the big sticking point here is kids. Whether you all share meals or have separate meals your whole life, it doesn’t matter.
But, it does matter that you raise your kids with a healthy diet and a healthy relationship to food. As long as you guys can sit down and discuss how you’d raise them, then this doesn’t need to be a big deal.
You should blend up some veggies into red sauce for him lol. Like they do for children.
I’m afraid this is the type of thing that will probably change over time for him, but there’s really no way you can force it. Lots of people start to like vegetables later in life when their ability to taste certain bitternesses degrade. I used to hate vegetables. Now I live with a mostly vegetarian diet.
I grew up a “picky eater”. It was almost always, even to this day, a girl or woman that got me to try new foods so as not to be embarrassed.
It turns out, picky eaters are not picky at all. They are “super-tasters”! A study showed that super-tasters basically have more tastebuds, specifically the ones that sense bitter tastes, and they shun vegetables because of that. They also have more sugary and salty taste buds than the average person. The other three types of taste are sour, fat, and umami (savoriness of meats). So the negative tastes are bitter and sour. Basically, vegetables.
He can learn to like things he hasn’t liked already. Some of my dislikes were more due to fear of not liking something so I never tried it because I liked what I liked and didn’t want to risk it with something new. As I said, rather than be a bother to a girlfriend, I went ahead and tried new foods. My wife has gotten really good at cooking foods in a way that adds a taste to it that I like. So find ways to cook the foods you like creating a flavor he is going to like. Use sauces, cheese toppings, different seasonings. Things like grilled or broiled broccoli or asparagus are favorites.
One other thing is my tongue is also sensitive to the texture of foods. I hate ketchup (catsup?), mustard, relish, pickles. But I don’t have any problem with whole tomatoes, tomato sauce, mayonnaise., raw onion. I live for garlic.
As to how to get him used to it, tell him you aren’t moving in if he can’t make this concession. This is, in the long run, a very minor thing and he has to make some effort if he wants to spend his life with you. You are willing to find ways to make dishes that are palatable for both of you. He needs to eat a little healthier than he is now anyway.
If this is the hill he wants to die on, he’s being foolish. If you were to leave him over this incompatibility, he will just have to go out and find another woman that will put up with it.
Also, white people eating meat is not a culture.
>super responsible, puts up with my dumbassery
Buddy wants to get you to stop eating vegetables because he has the palate of a three-year-old, and you open by describing his as responsible and the one putting up with dumbassery?
Are you sure he like, passed grade 4?
Does he realize how serious this is for you? Like, that it’s at the point where you’re reconsidering living together?
Has he ever eaten a meal you’ve prepared with veggies? When is the last time he tried a vegetable and how many has he actually given a real go? I think you might have better luck if, instead of generally saying “you need to eat more veggies,” you pick one vegetable or one dish and ask him to try it. It’s easier to make changes when they’re incremental rather than an entire diet overhaul.
It doesn’t sound like he’s saying you shouldn’t eat vegetables, he just doesn’t want to eat them himself. Make the meals you both like a couple times a week and make your own meals the rest of the time. Or make meals he’ll eat with a side of veggies for you.
You can’t force someone to like a food they don’t like. The more you pressure him about it, the more he’ll dig in and refuse to even try it. Offer to let him try the things you make for yourself if he’s interested, but don’t force it.
When you find out how to make him eat veggies, tell me. My sister also thinks meat and potatoes is healthy. My parents have given up and she gives me the weirdest arguments because I am a vegetarian and why I donât eat meat. When I disprove her arguments she still doesnât admit that she is wrong.
I think it is because my mom never did anything to vegetables except cooking them but put the meat and potatoes in the oven and just had a bit of variety with them. My sister started insisting she has sensitive taste buds while I started to cook for myself bc everyone else had meat on their plate. She doesnât even eat toast anymore only buns of one specific company.
I know that there are super tasters, there was a show about it on bbc, but I donât really think that is the problem here. Your bf and my sis donât even try and are telling themselves that this is healthy.
Don’t set yourself up to have this argument at every meal for the rest of this relationship. You either respect each other’s approach to food or you don’t.
If you aren’t fine making seperate meals (vegans sometimes date carnivores), then this will cause endless frustration for the two of you and you should break up. He’s not a project to fix.
You’re making this a bigger deal than it is. I’m also someone who has food texture issues, and vegetables are a big one for me, especially raw or undercooked ones. My husband and I also have different dietary restrictions, so it’s pretty rare we eat the same meal. We both just meal prep for ourselves, but we try to aim to share at least one meal every week or two just as a bonding thing. As for kids, they’re going to pick off both your plates so don’t stress.
Some tips to help him get nutrients though- SMOOTHIES! Tossing a handful of raw spinach or kale into a fruit smoothie is the best way to get nutrients without the taste or texture being a thing. Also, try adding small, well-cooked pieces of vegetable into dishes he already likes. For example, adding some small diced carrots into bolognese is virtually unnoticeable. You could also have him try some green or vegetable juices.
As a fellow picky eater though, let me tell you that pushing him on this is only going to make him double down more. Just let him do him, and you do you. He should explore ways to get vegetables into his diet, but while you can make suggestions don’t push. At the end of the day, this isn’t a huge thing unless you make it one. If you really can’t live with not eating the same thing then it is what it is, but there are ways around it.
Honestly you canât make him eat anything he doesnât want to and he canât do the same to you so if neither of you are willing change your eating habits for the other person then thereâs no point in trying to come to any kind of compromise. Just make your own meals or figure it out and eat what you want out of the meal the other person made. He makes meat and grains? Then make your own vegetables to add. You make a bunch of vegetables and some sort of grain? Then he can eat the grain and make his own meat. Or he could even make his own entirely different separate meal because these may be the sacrifice you have to make living with a pick eater. Yes it would be nice to eat the same big cooked meal together I agree but unfortunately the arguing isnât worth it on this one.
He may have sensory processing issues with vegetables. I can’t have beans in any form, it’s a texture thing I just can’t do it. I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal what other people eat. Having separate groceries or meals isn’t some sort of tragedy.
People have real food aversions and I seems like your bf may fall into this group. The taste and/or texture of veggies may be a real turn off for him. I think you need to just respect that. If he is okay with grains and legumes (beans and pulses), then you can probably get him on board with some vegetarian meals. Keep additional veggies on the side for yourself. Either your or he can add meat to his portion. Iâd be doesnât like fruit, though, he probably needs to take a multi vitamins to cover his nutritional needs.
The negative idea of picky eaters having a choice and choosing not to eat things can have a reason.
Some people have a genetic disposition to tasting bitterness, others have something called supertasters.
In my case I react very badly to certain foods like nightshades, oils and protein in milk that is not A2.
Because i have the bitterness gene I find cucumbers, melons, mushrooms, bitter vegies all unpalatable. I also hate the texture of mushrooms a cooked onions.
I did find I like raw carrot and can now eat pizzas and my own spagetti bolognese but I think in part that is because I make the sauce myself and blend it which helps a lot.
You say that it is taste and texture for him so he could have that gene and genuinely cannot stand certain textures.
However I would encourge some exploration of what might go well with meat, like a parsley sauce which can contrain many vitamins. Cress in sandwiches. Mixed fruit drinks.
I think you’re making this more difficult than it is.
You shop for yourselves, you cook for yourselves, and “if” you have kids feed them everything and let them decide.
If you’re assuming they will like your BF’s food better, that’s quite a statement about how you really think vegetables taste. I think you should look at it more like a bigger array of food for them to taste.
Maybe you could get him to push down some vitamins, if you’re so concerned.
I also dislike most vegetables, for me it is a texture thing. How I helped myself was by cutting the food up very small. As it turns out, I actually like the flavor!!
It sounds like he is a little embarrassed about this, and thatâs why heâs being so stubborn. Maybe try asking him to take âno thank you helpingsâ and just try them, and you agree to try some of his favorite dishes.
So my husband and I have ate 2 separate meals almost our entire relationship (6 years). It’s not extra food as he’s not eating my food so at the end of the day, groceries are still being bought for 5 people. Our 3 kids eat healthy and it’s not as big of a deal as you think. Teaching children that they need a balanced diet is easier than trying to get your boyfriend to break his pickiness. And the whole “Well Dad doesn’t eat this” is simply approached with he is an adult who did not learn a balanced diet as a child and it’s his choice to continue eating that way.
I don’t see why this is such an issue to you tbh. He doesn’t have to eat the same things as you.
The only issue would be making sure he’s encouraging any future kids to eat their vegetables.
What you need to learn from this is that if something is important to you , you discuss it early and donât get years into a relationship by pretending itâs not there, and certainly shouldnât go years and then try to change the other person. I agree with you that this is super unhealthy, and my ex who used to eat like this was also super unhealthy as a result. But you canât accept the guy the way he is for 2 years and then all of a sudden act like heâs doing something wrong by not changing something about himself.
You have expressed your concerns, and he isnât changing. You have to decide if having a healthy example for your kids is a dealbreaker. If it is, end things. If itâs not, then you need to discuss NOW how youâre going to deal with making sure your kids get nutrition and whether heâs going present a united front with you about nutrition or undermine you.
If heâs willing to teach your kids to eat right, then you can probably navigate this. If heâs going to fight for their desire to not eat veggies or other healthy foods and thatâs important to you then it really should be a dealbreaker before you have any more ties to each other. But you gotta stop sticking your head in the sand and ignoring things until theyâre up in your face.
Anyone who claims you donât respect the white culture of eating meat is being disingenuous. An unhealthy diet isnât culture itâs the lack of it.
My brother was this picky as a kid, but also a vegetarian (lots of PB&J, pasta, cheese, etc). I think our mom was actually straining the tiny bits of onion out of tomato sauce for a while. We had a âno thank you biteâ rule, where you had to at least try something before you said you didnât want to eat it, and he spent an hour at the table before sneaking the three peas he had on his plate into a glass of milk.
What changed? He went to a high school where you could leave campus for lunch, and his friends peer pressured him into trying new foods, which he ended up loving.
Allergy issues are real, genetic tasting issues are real, texture issues are real, but if you havenât had a no thank you bite in a few years it might be time to try again.
Just leave him alone about it. I wouldn’t eat the stuff you’re suggesting either. He’s an adult, if he doesn’t like something he can choose not to eat it.
My ex was a million times pickier than I am, and I just didn’t cook for him. Whatever.
I almost married a guy who was just like your boyfriend. He REFUSED to eat veggies. Said they were “gross.” And I was vegan (am now vegetarian). I ended up cooking two meals for every dinner we had together. And one day, when I suggested we do Meatless Mondays, he threw a major temper tantrum.
Honestly, it’s not so much the opposition to veggies, but it’s the mindset behind it. He straight up refuses to see a different perspective and has a completely closed mind because he already decided what his opinion is on vegetables when he was four. It’s time to grow up. He also thinks that his opinion is more important than compromising with you. Major red flag. After I broke up with my fiance, I swore never again would I date someone who refused to eat a vegetarian meal. And let me tell you, it seems small, but it really is nice when the person you love will share in a meal that you cooked for them.
TL;DR – I am a “picky eater”, see bold section for advice, but none of it will work if he doesn’t want to change.
I may be downvoted into oblivion⊠But here is what my “picky eater” self would like to share:
First of all, you do not need to adjust your diet to your boyfriendâs. You also do not need to eat more meat. The whole âcultureâ thing doesnât make sense either. Iâm white, I hardly ever eat meat⊠I mean, yes I like it, but I donât âneedâ it with every meal⊠Anyway, you can just brush those arguments to the side, I would say. They sound a lot more like walls to protect himself from scrutiny than anything else.
After reading your post, it seems as though your boyfriend seems to have a very similar issue with veggies as I do: textures and tastes. I can eat peas only if theyâre with rice, for example: anything else just doesnât work. If heâs anything like me, itâs not a matter of wanting to be difficult, itâs a true physical aversion. Being understanding that heâs not being âfussyâ is a great first step in having him change his eating habits.
You mentioned: âIâm not asking him to eat something crazy. We’re talking about cauliflower, eggplant, un-sauced tomatoes, all of which his family eats cause again, he’s a picky eater within his own family.â Truthfully speaking, you would be asking A LOT if it were me in this situation. It doesnât matter that my mother loves those veggies: I have not gotten to the point where I can eat cauliflower or eggplant, and I only eat my tomatoes raw, and without seeds and the âslimeâ (tomato sauce is also a ânoâ from me lol). The fact that your boyfriendâs family eats these but he doesnât, and that they are easy for you to eat, is truthfully of no importance in having him change his eating habits. Again, you do not need to (nor should you) change your own diet in any way for him; but understanding that the so-called pickiness is not a choice is really important if you want him to start eating more veggies.
**Some advice that has worked well for me (after having worked with a dietician):**
**-Â Â Groceries should never be a âsplitâ task. You should shop together. Encourage your boyfriend to touch the veggies at the grocerâs, look at them, smell them, weigh them in his hands, if only to get used to them. He should always pick one veggie to buy and eat at home â and itâs okay if itâs the same one week after week. The important step here is to make veggies seem less âotherâ and more part of his life.**
**-Â Â When you are cooking together, encourage him to lightly nibble/lick the veggies. He should also be the one cooking them and putting them in his plate. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it has helped me overcome my aversion to many vegetables (including cauliflower). Not feeling obligated to eat them and like them/not being shamed for âbeing pickyâ was a huge factor for me. I could slowly grow comfortable with textures and tastes, and it was okay if I didnât like it. I would tell myself âI do not like this yet, but Iâm glad I triedâ and move on. However, youâll likely have to forget about your boyfriend eating all the veggies you do, or that his family does. Honestly, if he can find five veggies as mainstays in his diet, that would be amazing and something to celebrate! You can add all the veggies you want to your plate, and he can do his own version of veggies. Compromises and all that.**
**-Â Â When you talk to him about his âpickinessâ, avoid calling it that (or calling him fussy). I think âaversion to Xâ is easier to hear and makes you seem more understanding of his dislike of tastes/textures.**
**-Â This is less advice, more opinion: if you have kids, they should eat a balanced meal. Your boyfriend will have to show them that he is making efforts with his veggies and have open talks with them so it doesnât seem like he can get away with not eating something he doesnât like (and honestly? Yeah, heâll have to suck it up sometimes to show that he is TRYING even if he doesnât like it.) If you yourself are a good role model in terms of nutrition, though, the âhaving kidsâ scenario shouldnât be an issue.**
The only major problem here is, if your boyfriend doesnât want to change, *he wonât*. I personally grew so sick and tired of my âpickinessâ that I reached out to a professional, and Iâve been seeing slow yet steady progress ever since. If he wants to change, it will take time, but he can! :)I hope this of help in some way. If you have any questions, Iâd be glad to provide answers based on my own experiences! Take care!
Heeeeeyyyyyy, so I was like this and had to work on it real hard to get over it. Turned out it was OCD. OCD doesnât work like people think it does, it doesnât necessarily make you tidy or a perfectionist. Sometimes it turns into crippling aversions to things that might have only a slight aversion at the core. You know, like most kids think that vegetables are kinda icky, then that feeling loosens over time. For us, instead of relaxing it might snowball. Itâs still possible to overcome but it would be necessary for him to be willing.
Another thing about OCD (if thatâs whatâs going on) is that itâs not a delusional disorder, we understand our feelings are not rational or typical. You want to be careful about being patronizing, like donât try to explain basic shit to him any adult knows.
That said, I think you should maybe look at your own standards for compromise. Why is it important that he eat tomatoes that arenât in sauce? Why not look at that for clues about how to make vegetables more appealing to him (especially considering tomatoes in particular have a lot more nutrients cooked.)
For instance, Iâm a vegan now (lol) and veggies are a huge portion of my diet. But I still like foods that are hot, savory, creamy, umami, and all those things that usually associated with meat and dairy. So I make creamy veggie soups out of corn, roasted peppers, broccoli, squash, carrots and all kinds of things. Putting cooked veggies in a blender doesnât make them not veggies. If he is okay with mashed potatoes, you can get him used to potatoes with cauliflower mashed too. You can get plenty of ideas for how to cook for people who have texture issues with food from parenting resources by googling things like âhow to get picky kid to eat more veggies.â And you can get a ton of unconventional ways to cook veggies out of vegan blogs.
Of course he is neither a child nor a vegan, so I donât recommend you play the âhide itâ game with the veggies. I also donât recommend you berate and scold him like the other commenters here are doing. When you have an aversion, pressure, coercion and shaming create feelings that just get added to the aversion. Like he might already find asparagus off-putting but now itâs associated to people pushing his boundaries and calling him a childâso fuck asparagus even more, letâs never look itâs way again!
Approach it with like âIâm worried about your health, and about imparting good eating habits to our children. Iâm sorry if this has caused me to pressure you or make you uncomfortable in the past. I thought about how to approach this and I was hoping that maybe we could start working on some of your aversions together and at a pace thatâs comfortable to you. Itâll be a fun challenge and get us to explore new ways of cooking and eating.â
Then ask him what the least gross vegetable he still wonât eat is, and look into a few different ways to cook it.
My niece, SIL, and MIL all refuse to eat any fish or seafood because the Grandma doesnât eat it
Theyâve tried to get my niece to eat fish and not be like them⊠but like, none of them are eating it. And they donât like the smell of it, so no one cooks it around them.
So yeah, I can see how it could be challenging to instill different eating habits in a shared household.
Hopefully because youâre eating vegetables theyâll grow up more open to it.
I mean, you arenât going to change him. You most likely just arenât.
You now need to make the decision if you want to continue the relationship and it sounds like you do and thatâs fine.
Now you need to make the decision if you two are going to move in together.
Do you plan on marrying him? Have you all discussed how your relationship will go from here?
When you move in together you will both find out new things about each other. Some things you may like and some you may not. Once you move in together itâs going to be harder to break up and sometimes people will stay together because itâs the easier thing to do than moving out. Inertia.
Itâs easier to stay and put up with it than it is to change. Not trying to be preachy just something for you to think about. I wish you both the best.