I (19M) a pretty good looking guy, quite a few different people have told me so. The thing is, I became attractive late into high school experience, which means that a pivotal part of my formative years left me insecure, with a lot of self-doubt and self loathing. I have never been able to recover from that. I see some of my other friends have a lot more success with women simply because they’ve got to this innate confidence that I’ve never been able to obtain. I dress nicely, I put effort into my appearance and I take care of myself, yet I still cannot manage to be confident on a consistent basis. I’ve heard to “fake it until you make it”, but I don’t even know what that entails.
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Most nervousness comes from judging yourself. Start judging other people. I’ve realised I respect few people when I really analyze them, so therfore I stopped caring what they think. Also, talk to women like they are men. Nothing special, you’re just communicating. They are associates, maybe friends but overall just people.
For me it happened with time. You become numb and stop giving a shit at all. My last gf said I was a cold hearted piece of shit so I guess it has pros and cons.
Is your issue that you have approach anxiety, or are you just not good at making conversation?
Stop giving fucks.
Just decided I’m happy with me and others vibed to that.
“If you’re scared of doing something, then do it scared” -I do not remember who said it, but I sure as hell didn’t come up with it.
I’m 21M and I was in exactly the same position as you, probably a later bloomer than you. You need to do 2 things:
1. Work keep working on yourself. You build confidence in yourself when you work hard for your own benefit. Confidence is just a form of self-respect and preservation. Hit the gym. Become an expert in a skill. Etc. Just prove to yourself that you can do whatever you put your mind to by working hard.
2. Get some practice. You get confident in things when you do them a lot and become familiar and knowledgeable in whatever it is. #1 will help you build a lot confidence but its not going to make you Leonardo DiCaprio when it comes to being social. It’s hard at first but just talk to as many people as you can throughout the day, especially girls if that’s what you’re worried about. There’s going to be some success, a lot of failures, but also a lot of lessons and experiences that will make you more confident and better at socializing. Over time you’ll improve a ton and look back at your old self and be surprised at how far you’ve come.
Hope this helps you man, you can do anything you put your mind to and work hard on!
” Fake it til you make it ” is as useless as “Just be yourself “. Bad advice, ignore that shit. Confidence comes in many different forms. I’d start by setting up little goals for myself. Perhaps there’s something you been procrastinating on that you need to get done. Start working on it. Once you’ve finished that, move on to the next. Keep that momentum going. You’re slowly building a foundation of competence which should help to make you feel more confident.
As far as feeling more confident with people, try to socialize more. Not just with women, but with everyone. You don’t have to get crazy, take baby steps. Try to push yourself out of your comfort zone a little bit. Think of it as practice. The more you do it, the easier it gets. As you become more competent, you’ll begin to feel more confident. Hope this makes sense. Best of luck to you my dude.
Are you me? lol
I was an “ugly duckling” in middle and high school. Actually, I was never really ugly. I was just overweight with a bad haircut, terrible fashion and acne.
Once I got into college and particularly after college, things changed. I lost weight. I found a good haircut. I started wearing clothes that fit and I started skincare. Now, I think I am in the best shape of my life and I’ve gotten attention from girls, even some that I was very surprised were interested in me (a cute coworker who flirted a lot with other men was very shy around me and I later found out she thought I was cute).
So how did I become confident? The easiest path is by improving physical appearance as I wrote above. I lost weight and put on muscle. When it comes to clothes, I keep it simple with tees and jeans but they fit me well. I got a good haircut and my skin is clearer. When you LOOK GOOD, you FEEL GOOD. Total truth to that.
But the other thing that accelerated my confidence is by working on my goals. While other people around me were slacking off, I got 2 degrees and am working towards a 3rd. Worked at a prestigious company and made 6-figures and am now pushing for more. When you see achievements being unlocked, it gives you a great sense of pride in feeling you did all this and it really bolsters your confidence
I’ve found the easiest way to get over approach anxiety is pick out something you like about someone and in passing throw them a compliment: I like your smile, shoes, shirt, hair literally anything, people love compliments and talking about themselves. Once you do that, ask their name, and boom welcome to normal conversation and ease of talking to someone, smile a lot too, makes you look extra confident.