It was our 1 year anniversary yesterday. I know it’s silly but I feel really sad and don’t know how else to describe it other than disrespected.
We went out to dinner at a nice restaurant the night before and had a good time, until the end of the dinner. I went to the bathroom and outside for my bad habit(smoking) while I waited for him to finish his drink at our table to find that he went to the bar for another drink and talking with the other patrons at the bar.
This is where I felt disrespected because I had mentioned multiple times I just wanted to go home after the dinner and snuggle with him and the dog, maybe look at our pictures and watch a a good movie.
He had other plans, consisting of getting free drinks and talking to everyone at the bar. While he was doing that he’s talking about just straight up awkward / private things(how he refuses to go to bed angry, my personal reactions to situations we’ve had, etc).
This put me in a weird position where I felt like I couldn’t say no, and even after telling him we had been out all day he still wanted to continue to drink.
I explained to him after how I felt like I had no choice but to say no when he does stuff like that. (This has happened to us more than one occasion , he gets caught up talking with people and doesn’t think about what I wanted/expressed).
While this happened I couldn’t help but remember on how he behaved on our wedding night. I’m pretty strict on myself where I don’t get drunk in front of my daughter due to a past relationship. As I was leaving for the night she got really clingy and didn’t want me to go, which spiraled into me having an anxiety attack. While I was having a anxiety attack we were heading out to go to the bar(typical Wisconsin wedding) and he looked at his friends and said something about how it’d be fine. His friends had to tell him what was going on and go to me before we left. He was ready to leave without me. I went in a separate car because my anxiety was at an all time high and being in a car with a bunch of drunk dudes really didn’t seem like a good time post anxiety attack.
He also tried to leave me on Christmas Eve to go to the bar because I wasn’t feeling well due to my chronic illness.
I know this is rambling and I sound like a miserable crotch of a person, but I’m rethinking my marriage and it’s only been a year. I’ve talked with him about his drinking and how it affects our relationship but it’s gone nowhere. I’m just tired.
5 comments
If he is an alchoholic no ammount of talking will fix the problem. Help, rehab,Accountability partners etc are all some types of help one might need when ending an addiction. Unless you tell him “this is it we cant do this anymore it needs to come to a compromise” or anything else you feel like saying. Does he drink every single night or is this something he does when he finally goes out? He seems like a social butterfly.
Aw, I’m sorry. That sucks.
I’m originally from the Midwest, the child of alcoholics, and the way binge drinking is normalized there is sick. And the way drunk driving is normal and acceptable behavior is dangerous and criminal.
Binge drinking every other weekend is not normal behavior nor is it good.
I can’t recommend Codependent No More – a book – enough.
You can’t change his behavior, you can only control your actions and reactions. You might consider therapy for yourself to help you navigate this situation.
I always think it’s the pot calling the kettle black when someone smokes gets mad at their partners drinking. You both are putting habits above your families.
However this is who he is, and this is who you married. So hard to complain now and expect a change now.
I always feel like that’s trapping someone. Their behavior is OK until you get married now all of a sudden the hammer drops and they have completely different expectations.
So I would expect him to always act this way and not change. But have a serious conversation about it. But I would make it clear to him (and to yourself) that the way things are aren’t going to be how they will be. Things will change or…
Maybe take this as an opportunity for you both to quit.
You seem kind of uptight, maybe try to enjoy the night with him instead of making him feel restrained?
Why didn’t you just pay the check and smoke later at home? And pick restaurants that don’t serve alcohol?
Yes, I understand that he has a drinking problem. If you’re going to stay with him, he’s going to need to get help with that. But in the meantime, if you want a one on one time out together, make a reservation in a place where there isn’t an opportunity for him to drink.