So I got with this girl close to a year ago and it’s been a series of up and downs. I’m used to doing my own thing. A free agent if you will. My sons mother passed away about 7 years ago and I just didn’t really want a real relationship with anyone so off I went for a long time. Slayin and sprayin and I ain’t playin. I ended up getting with her last summer and before we became serious I knew about her having guy friends and I wasn’t tripping about it, I myself have female friends. Plus at that point we were just sort of dating not anything really serious. However, she later told me about one of them admitting to her while drinking that he wanted her. She also informed me of sleeping with the other. I think she was trying to be forthright and tell me this before someone else ended up telling me. She said the guy she slept with happened years ago and she never should have done it but my whole thing now is she’s asking about marriage and wanting me to really settle down while she out here chillin with these fools. Sometimes she calls my phone at 2 am to 3 am wanting to come over, clearly drunk and was just chillin with them dudes. I try not to be insecure in my stance with this but honestly, male or female who wants their partner out chillin with the opposite sex that have shown they want her. I felt like getting into this relationship I had a lot of growing up I had to do. I had to put my player ways of having whoever I wanted whenever I wanted and really learn commitment and get out of some of my bad habits but at this point I’m wondering if it’s even worth it with her. She swears nothing happens and they don’t act on it but my thing is why should I even deal with this. Whole time I get accused of cheating all the time and privacy invaded. But she literally freaks out if I even look at her phone. I really do love her though which complicates things it’s just that I feel we’re reaching that crossroad and I’ve gotta make a decision. Is this something that I wanna sign up for the rest of my life? What I’m asking for is some clarity from anyone who’s been in my shoes before. Thanks.
29 comments
Double standard. Move on.
> Whole time I get accused of cheating all the time and privacy invaded. <
This right here is a big NO from me.
Those other things could be worked around if the relationship was overall healthy, but that’s not something I could handle. A relationship needs trust. She’s coming off as untrusting and accusatory of you while being defensive of herself. Big red flag.
I really don’t care for the idea of being “just friends” with someone you’ve previously been intimate with, but everything has circumstances, so that can be reasoned with.
Often calling drunk at 3am? Definitely emotionally immature in my opinion.
Tell her she is not ready to have a serious relationship. Are you sure she is 35? Sounds like she likes drama.
Time for a new GF, unless you like having no friends and having a GF that cheats on you with impunity.
We just had a big argument last night because I had texted a friend of mine (f) asking how things have been. Her mother just had brain surgery and she had expressed her concern with her mothers health weeks before to me. Was literally just checking up on her and I’m dealing with hell now. The fact remains though that regardless, I do love her. Just think maybe I’d be better off long term by letting this go. This is the first woman I’ve taken romantically serious and not just as sexual partner in quite some time
Get. Out. Of. There.
If your girlfriend has any respect for you or the relationship she won’t be ‘friends’ with a guy she has slept with. Completely ridiculous. From my own experience and the experiences of every single man I’ve ever spoke to, men and women cannot be friends. If you are a woman and you have a male friend, I guarantee he wants to fuck you and will happily wait YEARS for the opportunity.
Coming from a girl with only male friends this chick sounds so shady. She sounds very immature and drama seeking. Idk if I’ve just gotten stupidly lucky or if it’s the vibe I put out but many of my friends have never tried or even hinted at some type of interest in me. Even while we were both single a long time. Some I’ve known 10+ YEARS. They are my friends. That is the boundary. My bf who it’s a rather new relationship of a few months, so far has no issues with this dynamic. He’s met them, even asked when we can hang with them.
Something I’ve learned is to look out for the friends my partner keeps. It shows a lot about the person they are too. You obviously don’t trust those “friends” and just reading your post I don’t blame you. She doesn’t even tell you she’s going to see them eventually that day. Just calls you up at 2am drunk with them? Oh hell no. I’d never do that. This alone is a huge lack of communication and trust! You texting your friend about her mom’s surgery is so innocent and should be an entire none issue. My bf has seen me texting my friends with similar platonic topics. It’s not an issue.
I’d drop this girl. In the long run you will be happier and there are far better and more respectful women out there. It sucks the first one you gave a chance is a bad apple. But believe me after years of my own loneliness due to these same mistrust issues finding the right partner is so refreshing. I’ve always had male friends and always will, a partner needed to respect that to even have a chance with me. I was done playing that bullshit game with my last ex and being accused of cheating constantly.
>Whole time I get accused of cheating all the time and privacy invaded. But she literally freaks out if I even look at her phone.
Whoa, this lede was buried. Time to leave this relationship for one where you’ll have a partner.
Good on you for the self-improvement though.
Does she see you as someone that’s also sleeping around? Did you tell her that side of you while dating? Does she have some reason to keep these other specific guys around? Perhaps she’s insecure and wants to appear like she has options to you?
I don’t know much about relationships, but I do know that it takes a willingness from both sides to admit intentions and goals honestly.
If you want a future with her and only her then tell her. That’s you extending an olive branch. All you’ll have to do after that is wait for her to extend hers.
I literally had this exact problem. I was dating this woman for almost three years. She was just like this. She hungout with these guys and always got mad if I even talked to a girl. She made me cut out pretty much everyone. Well big shocker, she cheated on me a week before our three year anniversary. Sleeping with this guy and then telling me nothing ever happens. I found out through a mutual friend. After I confronted her she told me it all and how she always makes sure to keep someone around in case we didn’t work. Its toxic and not worth it. Either she leaves them or leave her. It hurts in the end bud but it will be worse if u leave it. Trust me.
Double standards will make you resent her
Next time she gets mad at you for speaking to another woman just tell her to get over it and that she’ll live.
Or
Man up and end it because she sounds awful and there are way too many amazing ppl out there
Shes probably projecting as well.
OP – the projection is so strong in your gf that she could hire herself out to move theaters.
Been where you are now a long time ago and I took the path that you should also do with her – break up and move on.
Your mental health and future happiness will thank you.
I would be concerned about this. It’s hypocritical of her, and it sounds a bit controlling. Not to mention, it could be a red flag that she’s cheating if she accuses you and goes through your phone. Are you afforded the same courtesy with her phone?
Cut your losses. Live and learn from this. All you can do really. Drinking and chilling at 2-3 am with other men who could’ve/want to fuck then calls you is despicable and unforgivable. Find a woman who’ll make you better change you for the better grow and be something. She’s not worth it if she gaslights and shows her ass towards you.
Set your hard limits. No chilling with these dudes one-on-one anymore, no late night phones calls by them and anything else that makes you feel uncomfortable. If she can’t get with that move on. Don’t argue with her and tell her she made her choice and you’re making yours. It’s really that simple.
She’s cheating on you my guy. That whole accusation thing is just projection, and freaking out about you looking through her phone is just extra confirmation. 100%.
Trust your gut she’s not the one, and certainly not wife material. Even if she wasn’t cheating, which she most definitely is, you want someone that goes out and gets drunk with other men who she’s fucked and/or want to fuck her? Does that sound good to you for the rest of your life? Does that sound like a positive influence to your son?
Kick her back to the streets and block her number, you’ll thank yourself later.
Major. Projection.
She probably wants to fuck one of her guy friends.
Leave her ass
She’s to old to be acting like that. She has no respect for you relationship. She needs to figure out her self and you need to walk away .
Here is the real truth if she is keeping someone around her that want to do her she probably has done him because if you have a real connection stupid shit like this wouldn’t happen. Its not about cheating or trusting if someone loves you they will remove threats to your relationship. Male or female gender doesn’t matter because the ONLY thing that does matter is the relationship between the both of you. That should be both your wife’s goal and your goal. If it isn’t thats a problem or at least a sign of a problem
One thing in relationship that you should never tolerate is hypocrisy and here she is hypocrite so put your foot down and call her out on this. She should not be friends with a guy who she has slept with and the one who wants to be with her so talk to her and hear what she has to say. If she does not care about your boundaries then you should break up with her over this.
Deflection. Double standards.
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some people aren’t OK with their partners talking with the opposite sex as it is. Throw the fact that both of her friends have “history” and it makes it even worse. Yet, she’s mad at you for talking to the opposite sex. So, it either sounds like a double standard, deflection, or both.
Nahhh, she’s not worth a relationship.
She has no clue what relationship boundaries are.
She drinks like a pig
She’s controlling
It’s her rules and you don’t get any
And there is a good chance she’s been cheating with these guys.
When she starts growing up and showing she is serious about a long term relationship, then maybe. But right now…. she’s single. Not sure why she’s with you.
Relationship rules……
No ex’s
No FWB’s
No people that are attracted to the person. And that goes him to her, and her to him.
Check into her childhood with her parents. Cheating, divorce, abuse, abandonment.
Never waste your diamonds on a hoe.
-Steve
And remember u cant make a wife out of hoe.
Relationship requires comitment and if she can’t commit then walk away dude. Controlling what friends your SO has is very toxic trait but u can’t just totally ignore it.
If she wants a SERIOUS relationship then she needs to get SERIOUS too.
she is projecting her infidelity on you. caution first and be prepared to break up
She’s for the streets
She’s a narcissist who thinks she owns you ! Gotta leave her bro..
Yeah she’s bugging. And 35. Not a good combo