Am I being too much or does he need to work on his communication?

28 comments

1. Have you met this person yet?

2. You’re not even in the same city yet and he’s snapping at you already! Long distance is supposed to be a time for improved communication clarity, so I would imagine he would be even worse if you were together in the same city, but probably more painful in person. If I were in your situation, his reaction would make me emotionally check out. I might even start looking for a local guy.

3. CALL HIM during a time that’s convenient and not stressful for him. Ask him what he needs from you in terms of support. He should have said something before he got resentful but all you can do now is go forward with the information you have. You both need to modify how you’re communicating.

   I got laid off a few years ago. My boyfriend at the time would ask every.single.day how my job search was going and it made me want to scream and jump directly off a cliff. It was infuriating and demoralizing. He was trying to be helpful but all it did was rub my nose in how stressed I was. We talked about it. I told him I can’t talk about that stuff without it causing me distress. Just trust that I’m doing the best I can and if I need something from him I will ask directly. He made an effort to stop. If he slipped up and asked, I had pre clearance to remind him it stressed me out.

4. If you wanted to improve the situation, you would need to change the way you communicate with him. Mostly, cut way back on questions and complaints, and concentrate on support and empathy:

   “I keep thinking about your work situation, and I hope you’re doing OK. Is there any way I can help? I know it’s stressful.”

   However, I would be hesitating to get serious with someone who is such a poor communicator himself, and so quick to get angry.

   A few sessions of couples counseling might really help both of you.

5. I have a somewhat stressful job. There are things I won’t talk about. I like to leave work at work. Talking about it just brings it home with me.

6. I think the getting upset about being left on read is a major problem. People do not have to respond to your text right that minute just because they read it. Dude told you to give him space, stop pushing him.

7. Why are you even asking? He has shown a lack of manners, and doesn’t appreciate that you are being considerate and thoughtful. You did nothing wrong at all. He is immature and doesn’t deserve to have someone caring about them.

   I will never understand why women waste time fawning over idiots while there are millions of men who would be thrilled to have someone treat them kindly and reciprocate.

   /end

8. You improve this situation by not dating a prick.

9. It’s a 2month relationship and already a 🚩

   Plenty of fish in the sea that will actually communicate, without you having to force it.

   Don’t make excuses for him IMO

10. It’s always hard to tell from a brief synopsis, given from one side. From the information you presented, I’d suspect he isn’t all that interested in you. But I could be wrong, as I’m commenting on very little information.

    The “you should read my mind” trait is pretty common, though typically not manifested from “poor communicators” but rather the emotionally immature. It’s a redirection, onto others, of the fault caused by their inability to handle a situation in a sane, mature manner.

11. His not replying wasn’t polite, minimum. Pushing it may not have been the best bet, either, though, especially on his birthday when he’s already said he’s stressed.

    No one will be an angel 100% of the time, so I’d be concerned if the “left on read” (or other rude behaviours) was a pattern. But the “you should do X” direct lines rarely go over well.

    We can ask partners to keep things in mind or to work with us, but we cannot mandate what they do (and vice versa, obviously).

    If it’s not a pattern and you think the whole thing truly was just a mistake, next time I’d suggest doing a follow-up the same day you don’t get a response, something chill if they’re stressed: “Hey, all good over there?”

    If you need to address behaviours more directly, make sure you’re also open to feedback on your part: “I think I might have upset you with X. I hope not, I was trying to Y. It hurt my feelings when you didn’t respond. Could you be direct in the future and just let me know that’s not a good time/subject?”

    I’d also note… he’s an adult. Show care, but also show confidence he can handle it. Ask what you can do to help or support and listen. If check-ins make it harder, he can and should give you another way of being supportive or clearly define his own limits, at least.

    Good luck!

12. He sounds like a waste of your time honestly. If you can do better, then maybe start looking for someone else. Or embrace the single life– it works great for me.

13. I do understand where he’s coming from. But the way he handled it is indicative of nearly non-existent emotional intelligence.

    To begin with, he didn’t communicate his needs. Ok maybe it all happened too fast and the reaction came before the logic of the situation. It happens.

    Regardless, the way he handled it is, for lack of a better term, gross.

    The way I’ve responded in these situations is something along the lines of, “I appreciate that you’re asking and showing concern for my situation. But it makes me feel overwhelmed to be so frequently reminded of it. It would be nice if we could talk about something else.”

    Instead he shut you out and made you feel annoying because you care. At best, this speaks to an incompatibility in communication. At worst, he has no regard for your feelings and wants to choose when it’s convenient for him to acknowledge your existence. Possibly both.

14. Sounds like you’re not compatible.

    Because clearly you want more communication than he does, and he does not like to talk about things that are upsetting him, at least not with you, at least not at this point.

    And if all of this is already a problem and you’re not even in physical proximity of one another, I don’t see this ending well.

    I think one of the biggest mistakes that we make in dating, and I am actively trying to unlearn it, is assuming there always has to be a right and wrong party.

    In reality, more often than not, there is no bad guy, there are simply two incompatible people because they do not hold the same values.

    We don’t necessarily think of communication as a value or traits that a person possesses, rather something they do.

    But that’s simply untrue.

    Communication is a value, because it’s only something we do if we value doing it. Our actions are driven by our intentions and our values.

    And if he does not value communication in the same way that you do, you are simply incompatible. It doesn’t have to be a matter of right or wrong.

    But the real reason I say that is because I think you already know that. I think most people already know they are fundamentally incompatible with the person they are posting about when they post it.

    Are you seeking validation that this is a problem? Because yes, not having the same valuation of communication when there are problems is a huge incompatibility issue.

15. 2 months in? At each other’s throats? Pull the plug. Today.

16. Ew – what? He’s got you convinced you’re too much when really he’s an immature jerk.

17. I find in situations like this we (as humans) can make this about me, and how it makes me feel. Try and remove yourself from the situation right now because what I am hearing is that he needs space to figure this out on his own. I am the same way where I want communication so I can help someone get through a situation, not everyone is like that though. Him leaving you on read is directly telling you to stop and let him breathe. I think if you take a step back then he will come back to you and appreciate the space.

18. For me and those of mine, being asked about something stressful in a time of stress can be intolerable. It has nothing to do with the person asking, but its one more cognitive brick onto the camel’s back. Its like I’m barely keeping my head above water, and they’re trying to hand me something. Maybe its a flotation device (and I could recognize and use it if I had learned such things in my youth), but in the moment it just feels like they’re trying to drown me.

    Now once I’ve gotten a breath and have calmed down, I can accept the thoughtful gift. Maybe even laugh about it all. And I might even apologize for my reaction (maybe not, because that’s how my family rolls and talking about feelings can sometimes be like pulling teeth).

    I honestly don’t know a good way to address this if he’s worth the effort. Maybe talk about how you find it helpful to voice your stress to someone that cares. And do it without mentioning his situation. But if he’s leading conversations back to his work, and then refuses to talk about it, well its not fair to you at all. And it might be a job for a therapist

19. I can see why from your perspective your actions feel perfectly reasonable and justified while his actions feel rude and insensitive.

    “We judge other people by their actions and ourselves by our motivation.”

    It’s a very human impulse, but I think it would help to take another look at your own actions in this situation.

    No one enjoys being left on read, but sometimes people get busy and forget to respond. The fact that you wished him happy birthday and then started the discussion about being left on read feels…like not the best possible move.

    This probably wasn’t the right time, and text definitely isn’t the right medium. It’s so easy to misinterpret tone, and have a simple discussion quickly snowball into a fight.

    >He got pissy and told me that I kept asking him about the same thing and he got annoyed having to explain everything and he was busy.

    Like here. Maybe the actual texts show that he IS pissy, but is it possible he was being honest with you? That the repeated questions annoy him and he’s too busy to respond? Obviously, that isn’t what someone in your situation is hoping to hear, but it also seems reasonable if he doesn’t want to rehash a stressful situation, especially when he has things going on.

    >So, I explained that I asked because I care and he should learn to communicate instead of shutting people out. He also could just say he doesn’t want to talk about the situation.

    I think it’s totally fair to emphasize that your actions come from a place of caring. I hope you were also able to acknowledge and empathize with the fact that he’s busy and stressed.

    Now, as to your comment that he needs to learn to communicate instead of shutting people out, if someone said that to me over a simple text, I would start eyeing the door. Unless this is part of a larger problem that you two have already talked about, that is a pretty dramatic and uncharitable read of the situation.

    Communication is important in relationships. But so is a willingness to assume the best of our partner and resist the urge to extrapolate larger problems from simple missteps.

    That said, encouraging him to let you know when he doesn’t want to discuss a given topic was solid. A++.

    >He got offended by this and said I’m trying to be his “ teacher”

    I don’t think he’s off base here. Telling someone they need to learn a basic relationship skill (communication) is going to feel patronizing to a lot of people.

    >and perhaps I should learn to read cues and know when to give space.

    And perhaps you should, just like he should be clear when he doesn’t want to go into a given topic.

    Not saying he wasn’t a butthead about the way he said it, but it’s possible that both of you have room to grow here.

    >After this I decided to not respond because I don’t want it to be a back and forth things of who is right and who is wrong.

    Which is totally understandable. It’s also a good call if things are getting ugly or unproductive.

    Although ideally if you’re going to voice your criticism of someone, you also give them room to respond.

    I’ll also add that it’s a bit funny that you requested that he tell you when he doesn’t want to discuss a certain topic. But then a few minutes later when you were upset, you simply stopped responding.

    >How do I improve this situation without making it worse because I feel like I’m being too much for him right?

    In your place, I would send a text expressing regret for the way the last exchange went, emphasize that it definitely not your intention to cause him stress, and invite him to let you know if he’d like to talk further on the phone. Then wish him a good birthday and leave the ball in his court.

    >At this point I don’t even know what to talk about with him without stressing him further.

    I think that’s a perfectly valid thing to share when you next speak. It shouldn’t be on you to read his mind and discern what you can or can’t say or what support you can or can’t offer.

    And if he’s simply so stressed that he’s just not available right now, maybe you decide to put a pin in things until he moves.

20. Ugh I’m sorry but work stress is absolutely no excuse to dump all over someone you supposedly love and care about. You are not his punching bag, I’m not going to make excuses for him, and neither should you.

    He wants space? Stop talking to this emotionally immature guy until he learns to treat you with some respect. Or just dump him and give him all the space he could ever want.

21. –How do I improve this situation without making it worse because I feel like I’m being too much for him right?

    Stop being petty on someone’s birthday and making their day about you maybe?

22. This week someone told me “it’s not advice unless they ask for it”. When someone has a problem, it’s far more powerful to listen & empathize (instead of solutions focus) which is what we usually jump to.

23. “So, I explained that I asked because I care and he should learn to communicate instead of shutting people out.”

    I’ve learned that using “you” statements is hardly ever effective because the other person feels attacked and gets defensive instead of listening to what you’re saying. That seems to be the case here, since he responded by saying you’re trying to be his “teacher.”

    Another way to say the same thing would be “I am asking because I care. It would help me a lot if you would explain to me what’s going on in your head, because when you leave me on read it feels like you’re shutting me out.”

    Also, if you are really just trying to support him, it would be super helpful to ask him how you can do that effectively. He may not be able to verbalize is very well right now (due to the stress), but you can at least open up the dialogue about it. That gives him permission to tell you to back off if/when he feels you’re being too much.

    Hope that helps!

24. Turn off read receipts. Being left on read isn’t the end of the world. I also don’t like talking about work stress and will often try to change the subject or divert the conversation.

    He’s stressed, it’s his birthday, and you decide you need to rehash this at that moment? And tell him he needs therapy? You have valid points but your timing and delivery is suspect.

25. I feel like if you’ve been seeing someone for only a couple of months and they’re ‘pissed’ at you as a result of life stresses then this bodes very, very badly for the future.

26. I think you are being too much. You have good intentions. But here is the thing, you are mad at him because he didn’t act like you would act in that situation. And when it was clear that you were not taking the hint that he didn’t want to talk at that time, you then couldn’t just let sleeping dogs lie and accept that you pushed too much, but you had to bring it up AGAIN and put it on him. Its a work thing. Something you have NOTHING to do with, and maybe he didn’t want someone pestering him about.

    Think about if you just want to be alone and he keeps pestering you, then tries to turn it on to you later.

    People handle stressful situations differently. Sometimes you have to know how to take the hint that they aren’t looking to chat about it. And him not responding should have been it, and you should have let it go at that point.

    Edit: I realized later what was offputting about your tone. He is going through something difficult, but you are making it all about how YOU are feeling right now. That is pretty selfish IMO

27. I read somewhere else on this subreddit to take the read/delivered stuff off of your phone so things like this don’t happen in the future. Sometimes things get read, they can’t respond, and then forget about it.

    That being said, there is a lot of different things that could be wrong with the relationship. Take your mind off of it for a few days, go get together with some friends and try to have a good time.

    When I say I want space, sometimes I just need a few days to myself to think about stuff and then I can afford to expend some of my remaining few brain cells to try and work it out.

    I have been up for about 24 hours with no sleep so I hope this comes as semi-coherant.

28. I don’t think either of you are in the wrong, but you definitely have different communication styles. Checking on him out of concern doesn’t make you too much, and he doesn’t get to tell you how to care. Lots of people appreciate being checked on when they’re going through things.

    However, you also don’t get to tell him how to process things while he’s going through a hard time, which is what you’re doing by telling him how he “should” communicate. You made being left on read a problem when it didn’t need to be. He didn’t owe you a response when you checked on him. Some people need space to process on their own and there is nothing wrong with that.

    Maybe your communication styles aren’t compatible. You can try to work on this with him if you both can do so without judging the other, and you can try to learn to communicate in a way that works for both of you. OR, you can find someone who has a similar communication style.