I have issues where I dedicate all my being and energy to the “special” person in my life. This is currently my boyfriend (18m).
Before my current boyfriend, I had an ex ( currently 18m). My ex had a lot of issues -not in a “my ex was crazy” sort of way but in a way where he experienced so much pain he did not feel emotions anymore. I wanted to help him, and about six months into the relationship, I dropped almost everything else and became his therapist. I did not have my own thing anymore, his hobbies became mine, his friends became mine, and I made my schedule to fit his. Of course, I got exhausted because of this, after all of this effort for it to go nowhere. So because of this, and teasing that was borderline verbal abuse, I broke up with him.
A month later I meet the person who would become my current boyfriend. After starting to recover and becoming my own person, I became infatuated with becoming this new man’s girlfriend. He only liked me as a friend at first and I became obsessed with being a good candidate for him. From the time I woke up to the time I went to bed the only thing I could think about was him. I had no appetite and I couldn’t sleep, this was driving me to insanity.
After a few months, my current boyfriend confessed his feelings and I was happy and content. I had to change from a good best friend to a good girlfriend. Once again I did everything as I said above, I would formulate my schedule to his, I became friends with his bandmates, and now my energy is directed to managing a small rock band. Which makes me happy because I love him, and I adore his friends.
I know this isn’t healthy. I want to make our relationship last. Before anyone asks, the last time I went to a psychologist years ago they talked about BPD but said I was too young to diagnose. I just want a solution to this because it makes me sad that I’m nothing but a girlfriend, I have nothing else to show for myself.
**TLDR: I have issues where I’m not an individual but someone who bases their entire well-being on being a girlfriend.**
3 comments
Also, how do I talk to my boyfriend about this because I feel like this is something he needs to know.
firstly, good job with recognizing that you have an issue! identifying and acknowledging the problem is the first step to fixing it. if you could get yourself a counsellor (at school or uni) that’d be great. if not, then try finding your own group of friends or someone you trust (other than the boyfriend) to keep you accountable to not being this way.
DEFINITELY talk to him about this so he realizes what you’re doing as well. just be open and honest and if he’s a good guy, he’ll extend his support.
it’s nice to be involved with your boyfriend but yeah, the amount that you are is a bit much. take a few step backs. maybe drop the management of his band or ask for compensation or something so that it’s more than just you being a good girlfriend. take some time to find out what makes you happy. what do you enjoy doing? if you didn’t have a boyfriend right now and didn’t have all those things to occupy you, what would you be doing? focus on those things. cultivate your own hobbies and likes, and build a circle of friends that are YOURS. if you’re close to your family, spend time with them. pick up the things that you’ve been putting off. get a job if you can. and when you feel like you don’t have any time for yourself, learn to make time.
being a good girlfriend doesn’t mean obsessing over your would boyfriend. he’ll be fine without you too. it’s nice to have him on your mind, but anything in excess becomes bad so hopefully by doing other things, you’ll occupy your mind and he’ll start taking a more regular amount of real estate.
There is a site called CoDA (not the movie) it’s Co-dependents Anonymous. It’s literally AA but for codependents. I went to a couple of meetings and it really helped me realize a lot about myself. I haven’t gone in a while but I know it helped me in so many ways.
They have chapters all over or you can even do zoom meetings with the group. Check it out