We met on an app and hit it off well.
When we first started dating I noticed that she was texting some guy a lot and didn’t think much of it. One day she told me about him being in the area and I asked to meet since I wanted to meet her friends. She tells me no she doesn’t really want to meet him. She told me she only talks to him for work stuff and career advice and doesn’t like him as a person.
This is also when I find out this was an ex right before me. At this point I call her out why she talks to this person so much when it’s someone she won’t let me meet. There was something intrinsically inappropriate about that.
I don’t remember how we wrapped this first talk but some months later we were at a theme park and I notice her sending and receiving selfies and texting someone all day while she’s with me in the line.
At this point I was like wtf and we had another talk about why she’s texting her ex all day while we are at a theme park together. She acknowledged how inappropriate it was and was fully apologetic. I asked if she wanted to be in a relationship and she reassured me that she did and promised to stop.
A year and a half passes and we are moved in together and we just got a dog.
I catch this guy’s name again on her phone notification some days ago.
Hey people can still hit her up right. She’s a hot girl. I let it go.
Then yesterday happens, I see her on her laptop after waking up. She flips through her screens and her text flashes by and it’s that guy’s name again.
I got flustered and tried not to bring it up since she was about to go to work.
Eventually I blurt out ok why the hell are you still talking to your ex. She gives me the same line about being just friends and work talk.
I demand to see texts. She thinks for a minute and tells me he did ask her to break up with me and be with him, but she turned him down. Now I am pretty much convinced there is something going on.
She shows me her phone after getting back from work, so I don’t know if I really got to see everything.
I look and basically they’ve been texting each other every hr for at least a month. There’s so much text I give up scrolling after a bit.
Nothing is overtly explicit, but I discovered good mornings and conversation starters from her end. I guess first thing she did every morning lately was text this guy and talk to him all night while I am asleep as they both work nights.
At this point she says how sorry she is and how stupid she was for thinking she could be just friends with him.
She tells me she blocked him on everything. Ah ok so there are more stuff than just what I saw in imessage.
I didn’t see anything explicit, probably because i don’t have the stomach to look through everything, the amount of emotional intimacy i saw in those texts made me feel sick.
I saw her responding to same topics that she wouldn’t be interested with me. I realized how many things she talked to me about was coming from convos with this guy. There were things she didn’t share with me. I suddenly realized why she started giving one word responses when I’d ask her how her day went. She already told him all about it so none left for me.
So I feel like this is over. I set explicit boundaries twice and she just breaks them. She doesn’t really talk to other people so I don’t accept her excuse of this being some career networking or simple friendship.
It really sucks because outside of this everything is great and we were talking about getting married.
She’s begging me for another chance but I feel like she’ll run to this guy the moment we are over anyway.
There were other guys who hit her up from the past but she would tell me and shut them down. I guess this dude is real special.
I asked her to move out and she started crying and I couldn’t push forward.
We agreed to go to bed for now but I am sitting here definitely not sleeping tonight.
I am hurting so bad and I need your judgements.
Tl;dr! girlfriend keeps talking to her ex against my wishes and eventually had a full emotional affair.
35 comments
Yeah…no…she’s cheating if not physically, emotionally so.
She’s not gonna stop talking to him. Just saying.
Edit: emotional cheating is still cheating
Don’t marry this person….not why she keeps stringing you along after all this time but she’s not committed to you.
How did you allow this a 3rd time? What made you think it would stop?
If you dont make a change, at 30 fucking years old, this will just continue to destroy you. Is that what you want? If not, you know what to do.
You’re 30, not 22. Take some control dude.
My rule is: there’s always more than what they tell you. If she clearly can’t control herself, don’t bother. I’m so sorry dude.
Break up instantly. You know this is wrong. We all know this is wrong. She admitted the dude even said he wanted her to break up with you, and be with him. He is NOT her friend. He is just a guy trying to get with her. Nobody is stupid enough to not realize this, not even her. So, why does she keep wanting to be his ‘friend’. Because there is more to it than you know. Either something has been going on. Or, she is excited about and liking the sexual tension from him. Either way, this is not a girl you want to be with. Get out, run run run!
She’s had 3 chances already. And all she’s done is prove she can’t be trusted. Don’t let her make it a 4th and 5th etc
Yeah you need to get out of that relationship, you’re definitely wasting your time there because the two of you don’t want the same things. You want to be with her and she wants to be with him so don’t wait till you get hurt even worst because it looks like it will definitely happen… again.
If she does not respect your boundaries then she does not respect you.
It feels like you are really in different places in life right now. As much as she says she wants this and that, just like it seems you want the same, she is still playing games.
If this is a relationship she doesn’t want to end, and you can’t see your way to accepting it, she needs make a choice. Is her friendship worth more than her relationship with you?
From the multiple times you have warned and asked her to end this relationship, it seems she’s really made her choice. Now it’s time for you to enforce the consequences.
The relationship is bringing you stress and pain. It’s time to do what is best for you and from what you described, that’s going your own way. She sounds immature and unable to respect your boundaries.
Time for both of you to find a more compatible relationship. There will be someone out there who doesn’t feel the need to talk to their ex if it bothers you, and maybe there will be someone out there who doesn’t care about her relationship with her ex. Bottom line is, don’t waste any more of your time. You’re given her plenty of chances.
She has emotionally cheated on you. Emotionally cheating is as bad or if not worse than physically cheating. You have set boundaries and she has crossed them. You will spend the rest of your relationship always questioning and being paranoid. Regardless of her knee jerk reaction of blocking him. She has protected him by not letting you meet and continuing to communicate. She should have stopped communication when he mentioned her splitting up with you.
I think you know what to do with splitting up, I wish you the best in finding happiness.
It won’t stop. Do yourself the favor, take your dignity and leave. After the second time, she proved her desire to talk to this guy is more important than making you feeling comfortable or building trust. This guy is always going to be there waiting and she’s clearly weak. I can promise you it’s not going to end well for you. You have the control at this point and can avoid a future mess or complication. Walk away scott free before getting married, buying a house or having kids.
It will suck but that pain is temporary. You’re a dude who’s 30 years old. You’re in your prime so don’t even sweat it. There are a thousand other loyal women out there for you to chose from. I almost made a mistake settle down with the wrong one. I met someone way better for me
Sounds like you just need to cut her loose to figure herself out. Emotional cheating is just one step away from physically cheating.
She’s having an emotional affair. Get out now and done waste more of your time. If you’ve given 3 chances and the same outcome has been produced you don’t wanna do this dance again
> It really sucks because outside of this everything is great and we were talking about getting married.
Yeah, outside of the fact that she is still invested in her ex and that she was never committed to you in the slightest, things are wonderful with her. Do you hear yourself?
You can’t stay with her. If you do, then you will just be teaching her that she will continue to experience no repercussions for seeing her. She is still hung up on this guy, and like you mention he still fills a huge place in her heart. She never made space for you. You need to move on. Either she runs back to him, or she will take your breakup as the life event that she needs to learn that she has to cut this guy off. She will be a good partner eventually, but not to you. This relationship wasn’t a waste for you, you learned to not ignore red flags and to address issues like this early on and take them seriously instead of sweeping them under the rug. Obviously, you have to break it off and go no contact, you have to escape her orbit unlike her ex
There are so many other women out there, move on.
Just been in a very similar situation (ages and everything!). Tried to work through it, but we ended up breaking up a few months later cos things clearly weren’t right. I probably should have just ended it then in hindsight, even if it did actually stop.
If you do end it, well it still really fucking sucks, but you do get through it.
It doesn’t sound like she’s as committed to you as she’s made out , if she has been messaging him even after you saying your not comfortable with it multiple times then what’s to say she won’t ignore your feelings with other topics and people . I think not being in contact with exes is a pretty fair and standard expectation in a relationship , and the fact that she is being secretive shows that she knows you wouldn’t like it and still does it anyway . If it was purely work based I’d understand more , but the fact that she is so secretive and blatantly ignores your expressed feelings is a massive reason not to have confidence in your relationship with her .
“She already told him all about it so none left for me” hits hard. Stay strong, bro!
Hope you learned your lesson….
Don’t date women who talk to their exes still. Women who do that have not moved on. The first time you caught her in the lie should have been the end of it.
Next relationship, right away ask them to tell you if they talk to exes or have an ex in their social circle. Problem solved. If she says no or bashes them and wants nothing to do with them, then that’s your green flag.
Do you know how their relationship ended? How was it and if it lasted long?
The way I see it, the key issue is that even if nothing sexual was going on she continued talking to the ex full well knowing that he wanted more than friendship. He told her to break up with you and has likely said more to her about wanting to be with her. I can only think that she kept talking to him as a fellow night worker for some entertainment and attention, but it is incredibly disrespectful not to put a stop to speaking with this guy after he showed her he isn’t looking for just friendship. She can’t possibly see that as right or fair?
As a guy who was in this exact situation for 5 years… I’d find someone else. My ex wife constantly told me that she’d never do it again. It only took 1 year for that behavior to come back for the 3rd time. At which point she was talking to 3 dudes halfway across the country and not paying attention to me at all. I was so blind but she was great at hiding it. This girl will get better at hiding it too. I wasnt perfect in my last relationship but i was never cold to her or dismissive. I was attentive and didnt deserve it. I could never fully trust her after the 1st time. It emotionally undercut everything I did and said with her. I was so lost, this is the person I was going to spend my life with…. I couldn’t lose her. And then I did. Two weeks later i had an epiphany driving home. “What was I doing” played over and over in my head but I felt relief for the first time in a while. I didn’t know that I had forgotten the feeling all together. It still took a full year to get over her. You know what though? I met a girl literally 30X more beautiful inside and out. I cannot stress enough how true that actually is. I didn’t know what love I was missing out on until I got it from someone else. I hate to be that person on reddit like “Leave her” cause I got the same advice too. Idk man, maybe just imagine what you want and think about how you can find that with someone new. Bro I promise you it gets so much better, even just being alone.
You gave her plenty of chances and she broke your trust each time. End it.
Listen to her actions, don’t listen to her words
Its been over for a while, and I think you realize that. Sorry man, but I promise you’ll find someone better.
You’re the “right” choice and he is the “wrong” choice. But she is into him, probably an anxious/avoidant love spiral. Let her go. You deserve someone who is both into you and builds a healthy relationship. I wish you the best of luck! Stay strong! As soon as she is available this guy will no longer want her and she will be back.
Fool me once shame on you, fool me Reid shame on me….fool me three times ? Cmon bro wise up
Why the hell did you stay for so long
You caught your gf talking to her ex 3 times… you don’t need reddits advice. You know what you need to do
Is the third time the charm? Respect yourself, because she clearly isn’t going to, and let her go to pursue her ex.
Ye just break up with her she does not respect you or care about you.
I was in a similar situation. I hated the jealous, anxious, not trusting person I became. It got better after some time thanks to very supportive friends.
You will find better.
“She showed me her phone after she got home from work” aka after she deleted what she didn’t want you to see. Cmon man, don’t be naive here. You’ve given her the benefit of the doubt honestly too many times, now she’s just taking advantage of you and sadly doesn’t care at all. (She cares she got caught) if you didn’t call her out she would still be texting him, let’s face it.
If you want to continue this relationship, being insecure (and rightfully so) and constantly having to question her actions because she’s being extremely inappropriate then go for it, but this is going to be a vicious cycle that doesn’t end well for you. I think it’s time you look out for yourself. If she truly wanted to be with you, she would be. That’s just the honest truth and I know that sucks to hear but you should absolutely be moving on.
My ex would also text her ex. Caught her multiple times. I am absolutely certain the saying, “once a cheater, always a cheater” rings true. Have an awesome faithful gf now.
Drop her and find someone worth your time. Tell her you want to find someone that takes you seriously and isn’t a waste of your time.
You nailed it when you said she was giving you one-word answers because she’d already talked about things with him. That’s what an emotional affair is. She gets to get his attention and the excitement of an affair and fantasize about the physical stuff while also getting all the things you do as an actual boyfriend. This is her ex, that she refused to let you meet, that she kept talking to after she promised to stop. We all know she ‘edited’ her messages with him. She takes selfies to send him while you take her on a big date to a theme park so she can feel like she’s with both of you. I am so sorry.
She lies to your face all the time about him. She’s been doing it for most of your relationship. You can’t trust her. The relationship is over, you just need to finalize it.