So I’m in a difficult situation.
I just graduated with an associates. My husband (who is very anti-education) expressed total relief I was done. He expressed his views to me and vented. I was a bit saddened he didn’t share the joyous views likes my parents who showered me with love and support. I got a 3.8 gpa which surprised everyone in my family. I had to study harder than most due to my autism. Now I have been in a crossroads to contuine on. Part of me is thinking about containing for a bachelors and it has grown.
When I expressed my thoughts to my husband he was distasteful of the idea. He kept saying “well why did you choose THAT degree if it didn’t yield anything” or “maybe you should of chosen the OTHER one.” It was hurtful to say the least.
When I contuine to express it he told me to call my aunt or mom and see what they say. I ended up calling my mother who said to me “if all honesty aside, your already in that study mode. It would be hard to break that mode if you contuine on this fall. But that decision is up to you. Your dad and I don’t have a say but we tell you how smart you really are. But like I said, that’s my opinion.”
When I told my husband he didn’t confront me. He just ended up dropping it and didn’t want to contuine that talk. When I mention anything he ends up just saying “yeah ok.” And moves on to a different conversation. I hate confrontation and just don’t contuine.
There another side to this. We live in a rented home from a family friend that’s is cheaper than most rents in apartments. When I mentioned one time about going back to school, he ended up saying “ok so your willing to compromise and get an apartment and possibly give up our dog?!” (Tone in a happy voice I should add) I ended up just becoming depressed and dropping that conversation aswell.
I know if I do decide to back to college, there’s a risk of losing him. I know I would have to move back home and I know my parents would take me back anytime but I’m constantly battling my heart and mind out over this to the point of panic attacks and anxiety. I want to go back to better myself but I know this is huge risk.
I’m not sure what to do…. Do I go back and possibly lose him or bite the bullet and just skip college all together…..
Tl:dr battling over going back to college and risk losing husband or going and lose him.
Note: no I won’t give up my dog either. I love my dog too much to ever give him
Up. I need to find a way to have him be ESA but I’m worried my anxiety depression and autism may make me unqualified for him to be one. 🙁
Edit: husband is 25 M and I’m 24 F married for 3 years.
Edit 2: wow! I have read almost every single comment and I cannot thank everyone enough for all the advice, comments, stories and everything else in between. I took everything into heart and I even went out writing a pros and cons list once more. I’ve thought about it over the course of hours and put everything into perspective on college. I didn’t take this lightly, it was not a quick decision and it took me looking over everything I have done to get to where I am today. Yes, I had a downturn in my life but I got through it even though it’s was painful and hard. I kept thinking about my mother’s words replaying in my head saying how proud they are and how much support and love I had from them. I am very lucky to have such wonderful parents who love me unconditionally. Many of you pointed that out. I took a major step today and applied for the college I wanted to go to. It’s a first starting step, I will have to wait out until I hear back from the college. The nice thing is the college is close to my family so a big +1. It’s not a difficult drive even where I’m at but it’s somewhat closer.
I took a couple comments about sitting down with my husband and speaking without yelling and listen to his concerns as-well. I know many of you are on the train of “go and let free!” but I want to see how the conversation goes first before I make any final rash decisions on that point. Some have pointed out great tips for initiation this conversation. I need to be less passive and more in-charge and I feel this is empowering to me. I have some points I written out he may say and I have thought of careful and straight pointed answers for these to maybe see if he can understand my POV. It’s not an easy thing to do for many people to be in someone else’s shoes. I am willing to hear his reasons if he is able to be serious with me. Any accusations, jokes or other forms of language issues will end that conversation and if continues, I know my next step. As my mother told me, I’m gonna take it day by day. So that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m taking it day by day.
42 comments
I’d run screaming from anyone who is “anti education”
If he is willing to throw your relationship away then it is not solid anyways and better for you to focus on yourself
Wtf, why are you with someone who is “anti-education”? Good lord. So many people on these subs would have much easier lives and better mental health if they just didn’t date shitty ass ppl.
How long have you been married?
Also this sub requires that you include your ages, genders as well.
this guy doesn’t want you to achieve. leave and move on with a positive education.
If your husband leaves you because of your effort to improve yourself, and can afford it, he isn’t worth keeping in the first place.
I’d saying losing him will be a good thing for you in the long run. He’s disrespectful and unsupportive. And I’d be extremely suspect of anyone who is anti-education.
You deserve a partner who supports your desire to learn and grow, not one who wants to hold you back.
To be clear, you think losing your husband would be a bad thing? Rather than a benefit? Because, c’mon, this guy sounds like an asshole. Gain a degree, ditch the loser, win-win.
How is it that he’s “anti-education”? Is this someone you want to possibly raise kids with? You’re very young; of course get an education. It will serve you the rest of your life. Someone who doesn’t want you to better yourself is not serving you.
What exactly is so appealing about spending your life with a man who won’t let you shine?
Who in the actual fuck talks happily about your losing your dog? I’m glad you refuse to do that.
I assume he is jealous of something stupid: your meeting someone else at school, bettering yourself, earning more than him, and/or realizing you’re married to a weird schmuck who talks down about *education.*
Stop with the, “I hate confrontation” stuff. Apparently, you were perfectly capable of:
>Part of me is thinking about containing for a bachelors and it has grown. When I expressed my thoughts to my husband he was distasteful of the idea…When I contuine to express it…”
So, it sounds like you just don’t want to argue. So, don’t!
Have another talk with him where you tell him you hear that he is worried, ask if he’d like to explain that to you. Do not listen to any insults of your degree or field of study. I’m (barely) assuming he doesn’t “believe” in therapy if he is against education.
If that doesn’t work, tell him you have a FT job in your field, and you will pay for your B.S. You’re not giving up your dog. You can make time for him and school.
The above paragraph isn’t a confrontation. It’s extremely calmly telling your husband your plans. If HE wants to bark and insult and huff and puff, tell him you’ll be *happy* to chat when he’s calm. Rinse and repeat.
And congratulations on your degree!
It seems strange to even date a person who is anti-education, let alone to marry one, if you’re somebody who wants to pursue education. I would be very sceptical of anybody close to me who doesn’t want me to be as educated as possible, it would be a sign of them not wanting me to succeed or to improve myself in a way that’s important to me. If education is important to you, you should go for it. You’re not giving up your husband, you’re leaving behind somebody who doesn’t have your best interest in their heart. You’re leaving behind someone you’re incompatible with and someone who chooses not to support you in something that’s obviously important to you.
It sounds like he’s trying to hold you back for some reason. Do you think he could be insecure about his lack of education ( I’m assuming he didn’t go to college) and is worried about you being “smarter” than him?
I can’t think of any reason why someone who loves you wouldn’t want you to go and better yourself, especially if it’s something you’re passionate about.
I would try to figure out the root of his issue, see if it’s fixable, and if not maybe think if he’s the right partner for you.
First – you should be proud and so happy with your degree – congratulations, and, absolutely you should pursue a Bachelor’s. I really don’t get the “anti-education” thing. That’s nonsensical.
Your husband is manipulative, dismissive and emotionally abusive. If you decide to continue your education it will be your fault if you can’t keep the dog? That’s nothing but BS.
He may have helped you through a rough patch in your life, but what is he doing now? Everything he does that upsets you, ask yourself: would you do that to him or anyone you cared about? I’ll bet the answer is a hard “no”.
You deserve better than this man, and you should continue with your advancement and your dreams. Keep going and don’t let anyone hold you back!
I’d normally write a long response, but that does not seem necessary here.
There is NO upside to staying married to this man. He hasn’t given me any reason to hope or think that keeping him around would yield anything but sarcasm and poo-pooing your accomplishments in education.
You definitely should consider moving out. Don’t look back. Take your dog with you.
After several months, see where you are. If you don’t miss him, cut the cord and get a divorce. I don’t see him changing his stripes anytime soon.
This is narcissistic behavior. He doesn’t want you to “outshine” him.
I think other people have said most of what I was going to say, but I wanted to address this worry:
>I need to find a way to have him be ESA but I’m worried my anxiety depression and autism may make me unqualified for him to be one. 🙁
Assuming you’re in the US, those conditions are what will *qualify* him to be one. You basically need to get a doctor to write you a prescription for your dog stating that the dog alleviates your symptoms (the exact requirements of the doctor writing the letter vary by state). The registry sites are mostly scams…talk to your doctors about it.
OK, after discussing this with you a bit I read some of your history and I really want you to listen to me.
Move to your parents house and begin divorce proceedings on Friday.
He has already been bankrupt and after that he lost $14K on dumb stock trades. And somehow he got you to buy into the idea that the money he lost in the stock market was his money and that you’re responsible to clean for him and feed him.
The guy is a total loser with no respect for you and no future. Please don’t let him drag you down with him.
Does your husband fail to support and show interest in you in other areas too? I’d wager this is just one small example of a larger problem.
Why are you married to someone that doesn’t support anything you do? Not even the dog??
What the fuck?! Anti education?! I say it’s totally worth the loss tbh. You shouldn’t let anyone hold you back.
Your husband’s a loser. Absolutely no reason for him to not want to his wife to better herself.
College or no, I think it’s time to lose this husband.
Based on this post I’d say you should lose him whether or not you go back to school. He doesn’t seem to support or care about your goals at all.
What exactly would you be losing if you lost him? Because from reading this it seems like what you would be losing is someone unsupportive of you bettering yourself, unwilling to recognize your accomplishments, and generally just treating you poorly. Take the dog, apply to a four-year college, and focus on your future—hopefully one that doesn’t involve this loser.
Goodness, this guy isn’t supportive of you at all. Go to school – get whatever degree you are set on. Keep your dog. Live your best life. He’s a downer.
Yep. Worth the loss. With his attitude you’re going to end up divorced anyway. At least you will be divorced with a decent education and job.
I kinda get the sense that you feel you owe your husband a relationship because he supported and helped you when you were down and out. That’s not how it works.
You aren’t an object to be bought with tokens of kindness and affection, that once purchased is his forever to do what he likes with. You are his partner and equal. You get to choose how to live your life, and so long as what makes you happy is compatible with what makes him happy, you guys can stay together. It’s his job to support you in reaching your dreams, just like it’s your job to support him in reaching his.
I don’t understand why your husband thinks you need to give up your house to move to an apartment if the cost of renting an apartment is no cheaper. What a really weird thing to threaten you with.
Think about it this way. Suppose you have kids. This is the kind of values he will want to spread to his kids, that they’re not worth the education.
Heeeeeelllll yeah losing your husband is worth the L. Go to school, get that degree UNAPOLOGETICALLY. That’s your future and your milestone! No one else’s. Don’t let him pee on your parade. Celebrate! True colors show and let him show his so you can adjust some things. Live your life, it is way to short to allow someone to control it just because youre “married”. They’re supposed to support you, push you up, encourage you. Noooot drag you down and stuff you into a box you’ve already outgrown.
Your mom seems to know what’s up.
Two scenarios:
If you decide to stop going to school, you’ll still be living across the street from your in-laws. In a few months your husband will want to move anyways, because he’ll still want his “freedom ” from his parents. If you move you lose the dog. So in a few months you’ll be in an apartment you can’t afford without your dog and without your education.
If you decide to stay in school, keep your job, move in with your parents and keep your dog, you’ll lose your husband. Looks like you’ll be ahead of the game.
He’s “anti education”? No, he’s anti you having independence and prospects that are better than him and where you are now.
In case you are someone who wants kids, just imagine him rolling his eyes at their desire to go to college, or ignoring report cards, or asking you to home school them instead.
Definitely worth the loss. The only time it is reasonable for a person to leave over someone getting an education is if there are greater issues like a lack of time for the other person, or a personal beliefs such as pacifism and not wanting their partner to associate with the military. It’s not really your loss, it’s his.
Do NOT prioritize ANYTHING that is anti-education.
Education is learning. How the fuck does someone hate learning?
If he can’t see the value of education, then he likely cannot see the value of those careers which that education enables, nor appreciate the skills learned. Do you want that? Do you want to be tied down to what he wants regardless of the logic?
You shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t support your goals, and who doesn’t express excitement and happiness for your success. Partners lift each other up. They don’t hold each other back. Just something to think about.
Education is something that no one will ever be able to take away from you, not even asshole men who may come into your life
This man doesn’t want you to be able to leave him.
Get your degree.
My ex husband was extremely in favor of HIS education and HIS career. When I brought up my hopes to continue my education he would always list all the family projects that would need to be canceled or delayed. Then he cheated on me and the marriage ended, and I’m still trying to grow in my career without the additional degrees I needed.
My point is: choose your education. You know that’s the best way for a happy future for you. No man can ever give you that!
He’s “anti education?” That should tell you all you need to know about whether it’s worth sabotaging your future for him.
Lmfao you don’t have a husband, you have a loser.
Not only is OP’s husband anti-education, he…
– [Gets mad at wife for having fun when he isn’t having fun](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/upropj/tifu_by_going_out_with_my_husband_and_taking/)
– [Feels that OP is failing at “wifely duties” because of going to school](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/up5dpq/am_i_just_a_bad_wife_is_there_hope_for_improvement/). u/lovablebutterfly: Since you are both working, is he doing his fair share of chores? Or is he old-fashioned and believes the woman takes care of the household while the man makes money?
– Because if he’s the old-fashioned type, then he’s failing in his “husbandly duties” by [losing $20K+ (almost all of life savings)](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/uvx9on/at_a_loss_for_words_finally_know_the_truth_to/) in crypto and [trucking school scams](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/uwpkvn/lpt_if_you_are_interested_in_a_home_loan_but_dont/i9unlyz/?context=3).
He’s also:
* Failed in providing you a home.
* Failed in providing you with kids.
* Failed in making enough money to support the both of you
* Failed in being honest with you financially.
OP, your husband is not just anti-education, he’s a an idiot and a hypocrite. He’s holding you back financially now and in the future. Every question you’ve posted in your history has been answered negatively by others. The fact that you are wondering about these arguments in the first place shows that deep inside you know that he’s wrong.
Congrats on graduating. Looks like you have the drive to break yourself out of the poverty cycle. But unless your husband changes his mind, he will keep you there.
You may be autistic but you aren’t dumb. Now it’s time to be brave. Be thankful you don’t have kids with him.
Sis I read “anti-education” and didn’t have to read the rest. Please leave.
I got this far: “My husband (who is very anti-education)”
and realized that you should definitely continue and lose the husband.
No sane person is anti-education.
He either wants you to be “less” than him
or wants you out working ASAP to bring home money for him.
Either way – he’s a problem.