I have been the sole lease holder at my rented 2-bedroom apartment for a while now, almost 7 years. My friend Abbie, who I met through my former next door neighbor Ted (a guy I used to be friends with, thought was friends with me, but ended up being two-faced later on) around this time last year, moved in with me last September in the spare/2nd bedroom and pays me a portion of the rent. The rental management knows she’s living here and have approved it, but she’s not officially on the lease. She has been dating her BF Taylor since before she moved here. Both are nice people. We’ve helped each other out times before. For example, I tutored Abbie and helped her with her English composition college courses this year when she started college. I also gave her rides because she doesn’t have a car (usually Taylor would give her rides or lend his car to her, but he doesn’t have that car anymore because of a bad accident Abbie got into with it). Meanwhile, Abbie and sometimes also Taylor would listen to me vent about some of the stresses going on in my life. I’ve also listened to her when she has to vent about the frustrations of balancing college with an unsympathetic job, and when she had to vent about the trauma of her recent car accident. Also, I would grant Abbie extensions on her share of the rent when I knew she had financial difficulties or was between jobs (it can be hard to keep a job when they aren’t compatible with a college course/study schedule). Abbie always has had Taylor hang out here with her and in recent months he’s been here pretty much daily. He’s helped her with her rent payments when she’s struggled financially, which I appreciate, so that way I don’t get stiffed on rent. As you can see, it’s give and take. I definitely consider Abbie one of my closer friends.
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A few weeks ago, Abbie asked me if it was okay to have a birthday party for Taylor at our apartment. I was tired and stressed at the time, had just come home and was on my way to get ready for bed, so I said yeah. Then as the weeks got closer and I found out that it was an ACTUAL party, not just a small get-together, I am thinking it over again and having second thoughts. For one, there is a repair issue that property management has been delayed with (because of Covid, staffing issues, supply issues, etc plus they claim it’s “not an emergency issue”) that I feel embarrassed about. Although the apartment is otherwise functional (I mean, we have running toilets, working kitchen appliances, heat when it’s cold out, etc), I feel salty about this pending repair. I don’t want Abbie’s younger friends to think my home is “ghetto”. (even Abbie herself admitted the repair issue was ghetto at one point) Also, I do not know these people. I only know some of them, but less so in recent months because I’ve been so busy with my job’s overtime and other personal stuff and they haven’t really done much to include me in their meetups lately. Moreso, I worry about any possible noise violations or other ordinance violations of having a party. I’ve never had a party, ever, never had success hosting one. I worry what will happen if this gets out of control.
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Somewhat recently, I expressed my feelings about this party in confidence to a guy {he’s very stubborn and black-and-white on things) even told me that I should just firmly put my foot down and say NO to this party. He said “because I don’t want to” is enough reason to shut it down before it begins.
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I approached Abbie about it earlier today, and she immediately got upset, as in ready to burst into tears, and said with the beginning of tears in her voice, “But I have everything all ready for the party! It’s in three days! You said we could!” Now I feel like an ahole. Am I in the wrong? Am I overreacting? I admit the kitchen repair issue is a big part of my reluctance, because I feel embarrassed about people seeing that we live in a “ghetto” looking apartment. Do I have a right to make her cancel or move the party, or should I just suck it up and let her go through with it since I already said yes weeks earlier?
TL/DR: My roommate plans to throw a birthday party at my apartment (where she lives with me and pays some of the rent, and is known to live here, but isn’t on the lease, meaning only I’m responsible for the unit) for her BF who stays with us. Initially I said yes but in recent times I have had second thoughts, in part because of worries about possible violations, and also because I am embarrassed about a non-emergency kitchen repair that looks “ghetto” that property management has had a delay in fixing. I tried to tell her I changed my mind but she got visibly upset and said she had everything planned out. The party is planned for 3 days from now; can I stop this party or should I just go along with it at this point?
37 comments
It seems like you have a a lot of anxious hangups, and yeah, if this makes you feel uncomfortable then put your foot down. But you need to examine some things:
First, you’re making a lot of assumptions about what this party will be. Get back with her and clarify how many will be coming and ground rules. You’ve never had a party, and not all of them are movie disasters.
Second, if your main anxiety is your embarrassment over your home, you need to stop. You don’t live in a “ghetto” and stop using that word that way. Even if she felt the apartment needed work, she still felt comfortable enough to have people over. Most people know what home repairs look like…and it would be easy to say to people, hey some repairs are being done?
You already agreed and waited too long to change your mind. You can’t just back out when people are depending on you.
Clear up some things first, full transparency with her and you, how many people are coming? Handle this as the adults both of you are. Explain her the reasons you don’t want the party to happen and why you said yes in the beginning, and let her tell you her pov too. Of course, if she doesn’t wanna talk about it with maturity, I’d say to step down your foot and say no. But I’d say to give it a shot and try having a full, honest conversation about it, and pick from there.
Just hit the neighbors with a hey we’re having a party. If it’s like a 2am or all night thing I would just say let’s go somewhere else(a bar Topgolf) and if anybody NEEDS to stay they can.
I like that my neighbors don’t complain about me it makes life super super easy.
I think you should just let her have the party. You said yes and like another commenter said, you waited too long to say no. I’d be kinda upset if I were her too tbh (25F)
A genuine party wouldn’t have been okay in many of the apartments I lived in. It really depends on what your complex is like and what is tolerated. The last apartment I lived in… anything with music and more than five drunk people would have been shut down quick. And that was one of the reasons I chose to live there. Like I said, it depends on the vibe of your complex and what sort of neighbours you have.
I would say that I see your roommates frustration. It’s three days till the party and it’s really unfair of you to pull the plug now. If you really can’t accommodate, then fine. But the next time something like this comes up, you need to think harder before you say yes. What I would do now is focus on how you can accommodate your roommates plans. Go over your lease and set ground rules. Be honest and tell her you didn’t quite get what she was planning – a party and not a get together – and that you two need to talk about what is and isn’t kosher. I’d apologize for the miscommunication to smooth this over. This is one situation where I would explain the why behind whatever rules you set, especially if it’s her first apartment. Let her know that if your landlord asks her to shut it down, it happens immediately. No protesting. Tell her you expect her to stay sober enough to be responsible. Not completely sober. But she can’t be so drunk that if things go south, she can’t deal with it. Be very blunt and let her know that she is the responsible party here. She’s young and you’re the lease holder and I can see her defaulting to assuming you are the responsible party. Make it very clear that this is her party and she needs to be the one who’s responsible for keeping it in check.
Your roommate is a lot younger than you and I think this is a bit of a culture clash between the two of you. Do your best to make this weekend work and then set ground rules.
Also please stop worrying about your home. I used to have a job where I went into peoples homes regularly and almost no one has a Pinterest perfect home. I can almost guarantee you that your home wouldn’t even crack the top ten weirdest homes I’ve been inside of. The fact that you’re concerned about how it looks means it’s probably not that bad. The people with really awful homes are oblivious.
And lastly… we always hear about the parties that go south. The stories are entertaining. But please remember that most people throw parties, have a good time, go to bed, and clean up in the morning with nothing horrible happening. This is most likely what will happen. You sound really worried about a hypothetical scenario and while I get it – which is why I suggested you sit down with your roommate and set boundaries – you also need to remember that most likely, this is going to go just fine.
Oh God! I read your comments along with your post. Honestly, I would ideally say not to say no as you have already committed and waited too long to say no. But given how much it is bothering you, you should just stick to not having a party any more.
You should also tell her
1) Not to ask you if things when you are tired. And explain that you said yes in a whim without realizing what you were signing up for.
2) After you said yes, you expected it to be few people and not these many. This is why you were figuring out if you should say no.
3) And explain the house repair situation.
4) If she argues, ask her to get on the lease and have her payment done by herself to the rental agency.
But also be prepared that you may be pissing off a friend who seems to have grown close to you.
You already said yes and it’s too late to back out. You’re the AH if you make her cancel.
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Send them to Dave and busters. 🙂
Ngl, I stopped reading after you said she lives there and pays rent.. I think it’s respectful and considerate for her to ask you if it’s okay, but imo she lives there and pays rent there, she can have people over
I mean, you could make her cancel, but that would really suck.. and your reasons seem to be rooted in anxieties over things that might not happen.
I would let her have the party, but I’d spend the time away. You don’t have to host. Go out, but stay nearby in case you need to come home to deal with any problems.
First off, you shouldn’t commit to something and then back out. Stressed and tired or not. It’s always okay to say “let me think about it”. But don’t give the go ahead and then back out.
Second, if you’ve made your mind up just tell her you are no longer ok with it. There’s no good way to do it. You are the badguy no matter how you break it at this point. Just need to decide if you really want to be the badguy or not. If you do then own that shit, pull off the bandaid and move on.
No one will give a crap about a repair issue as long as it doesn’t seriously impact the function of the space.
You waited too long to change your mind. If I were your roommate I’d be furious if you reneged on your agreement three days beforehand.
If the party was a month from now, you could reasonably say no. Since the party is on Friday, it would honestly be really rude to cancel it—if you don’t let her have it I doubt she’ll be able to find an alternate location in time and she’ll just have to cancel the whole thing.
You sound really anxious about the apartment repair/not owning a home yet, but where I live I would say at least 50% of my friends in their 30s are renting. It’s totally normal to rent!! Don’t be ashamed. The US housing market is insane and so is inflation.
To tell a friend that you were ok with hosting, only to pull the plug mere days before, is a bad look.
You are worried about people judging you for no reason. And, I’m sorry, you should have canceled it sooner. Doing it now is really unkind
Imo, living up to your word is important and you definitely waited too long to back out after saying yes.
That said, I think the deeper problem is your self worth is too wrapped up in external things (how your apartment looks, your station in life, etc). Therapy can help with that
Telling her 3 days before when you had weeks is an asshole move, unless you have an emergency situation. You kind of have to suck it up and learn to appropriately handle this sort of situation or offer a valid alternative, like a rental location for parties. Again, 3 days is short notice to switch up plans…
I would compromise and ask for a maximum number of people. because you didn’t understand it was a real party.
If you get a fine for the noise or something is deteriorated, it’s on her.
Did you have a typo and mean 24f?
OP, I know you said already that therapy has not worked for you, but your anxiety is suffocating even via a text post. Please keep trying, or consider seeing a psychiatrist. Your thought patterns are judgmental, stifling and unfair both to yourself and the people close to you/the people you interact with. I’m closer to your age than your roommate’s and I would be hesitant to befriend you because your views on success and productivity are so judgmental; if you knew my living situation I know you would think I wasn’t far enough along in life and you would look down on me the same way you look down on yourself when you compare yourself to where you think you “should” be. You deserve to give yourself grace and compassion too. Please don’t keep living with this judgmental, anxious narrative. You deserve better.
Aw I feel for you, but I definitely wouldn’t make her cancel at this point. It’s in 3 days and already planned! I don’t think anybody is going to think poorly of you for this repair issue, whatever it is. My strategy with things like this is always to make a joke out of it, or just say it outright without making a big deal out of it. “Yeah, sorry about the ___ guys, super embarrassing that maintenance hasn’t fixed this yet!” Nobody worth knowing is going to ACTUALLY care. They would probably care, however, if you cancelled their party 3 days before haha
As others have said write down a list of rules.
Max number of people (30)
End time (12am)
all noise fines/damages/issues as direct result.of party to be paid for by abbie/Taylor
get them to sign it. it’s too late to pull our but not too late to clarify how it’s going to work and who is responsible for what.
You are thinking too much. Just let the party happen. Nobody cares about repair works.
May be you subconsciously hate those two staying in your place and want them out.
Also if it mainly comes down to a repair. You have to stop caring what people think. It’s beyond your control and way too much to manage. It’s not a repair you personally conducted so let that go. Even if it’s duct tape lol who cares it’s a patch to hold it over which is all you need. If it comes up and bothers you say just that, it’s beyond your control and when you have an opportunity to have someone finish it you will, until then a house is a house.
While it will make you the ah not having his party when you’ve already agreed to do it and waited an inappropriate amount of time to where she doesn’t have notice to change it. You said your second concern is violations. So pull her aside one more time, tell her that you didn’t mean to seem unsupportive, you’ve just never done this thing before. So of course the party can go on. That you were just embarrassed about the house repairs but a house is a house and it’ll be fine. Lastly, you’re worried about violations.. so the cops get called everyone needs to roll out and that’s a firm boundary. Both of you should agree on some small guidelines for that. Then just be friends again and have fun. This will be over before you know it and you might have fun. If not you never have to do it again(:
Being tired isn’t an excuse for giving a bad or wrong answer.
Next time someone asks you a question you can say, let me think about it. Or I’ll think about it for a bit and let you know in an hour or tomorrow morning. You’re not obligated to answer on the spot.
You agreed to the party. Trying to make her cancel when the party is 3 days away is crappy. I’m sure she’s already spent money preparing for the party. Just move your valuables and anything you don’t want out to your room for the night. You can talk to her about the noise ordinance and ask her to set a reasonable end time. I probably would find something else to for the night or stay in my room.
Just have the party, and set ground rules (noise levels, number of people at once, etc. Put up a sign by the kitchen repair that makes light of it, in an effort to head off negative comments.
I feel that with three days until the party, it is grossly unfair for you to say you’ve changed your mind.
I understand anxiety. And you sound like you’re locked in a kinda feedback loop where everything you think feeds into something else negative and you’re spiralling. You need to try and break that loop before you completely meltdown.
You need to have another conversation at least 24 hours before the party with your roommate to cement expectations and house rules, because you do have reasonable concerns:
What time does the party end?
What time is the city’s noise ordinance in effect?
Just because you agreed to a party doesn’t mean you’ve agreed to have your home full of people all night long. I like gatherings but I get tired and want to decompress and SLEEP and when I host I want a light at the end of the tunnel.
It’s also fair to discuss a limit to the number of guests.
In relation to the advice you’re looking for in regards to this post, it’s too late to cancel and you would be a huge jerk to do that. Not only tell your roommate that the party isn’t canceled, but you need to apologize for causing them stress.
I have to be honest, and I might be downvoted to hell for it, but…. Aren’t you exhausted? I read your post history and it triggered so much of my own anxiety I had to stop. You seem to consistently mold situations/narratives to make villains out of people in your in your life while trying to victimize yourself. Even with this example do you realize that by giving someone 72 hours notice that the party is canceled that you yourself decided to give someone anxiety? Their immediate thoughts would be “I already invited people, I already planned this or that, I have to find a new place to do it, finding a new place will cost money”
You *HAVE* to find a good therapist. Your spiraling and social anxiety is going to continue to push people in your life away. Please do not bring a child into the world until you have dealt with these issues. It’s not fair to bring a human being into the world that will rely on your love and support when you cannot even *like* and support yourself.
OP you have severe anxiety. I know you’ve said you tried talk therapy before but that didnt work out bc of lack of availability–you still need therapy or at least a psychiatrist and meds. Try again. This type of spiraling and catastophizing is exhausting, I’ve been there. You gotta get it under control.
I totally empathise with how you’re feeling but I think it would be awful to make her cancel with such short notice! It sounds like you’re getting worked up over it because it’s happening soon – you might end up really enjoying yourself! And don’t worry about the repairs thing, if anyone asks (I highly doubt they will) just tell them about covid delays and your AH property manager! The good thing about Abbie throwing the party and not you means you could just stay in your room or go out if you wanted to 🙂
You are in the wrong. A decent person would keep their word at this point. You waited too long to say you have an issue. You sat on it for weeks, until the party was a few days away. Should have been the next day after you agreed to it. Just double check that she will be cleaning up afterwards, they won’t be too loud and she should have made sure to give the neighbors a heads up ahead of time, but I doubt she did. It would be shitty of you to cancel their party at this point though.
Dear OP, reading through the comments I’ve noticed that there’s a lot to unpack here and the biggest issues isnt event the party, its how you view yourself and think of yourself. I think you are being way harsh on yourself and should probably attend some therapy sessions in order to manage that. And the party, make sure to warn your neighbours (leave a sign on the door such as ”If we are too loud pls knock and let us know, we will tone it down”) and talk to your roommate about your concerns and boundaries. Best of luck and let us know how the party went!
What if you don’t stay for the party? Let Abbie and Taylor know that you’ll be out for the night. Catch a movie and late dinner by yourself or with some other friend. Don’t have to be that just throwing it out there.
The only other suggestion I have would be to stay cooped up in your room but then I feel like it would be hard to ignore all the noise