My (29F) boyfriend (30M) share a flat. We have a living room, 1 bedroom, and 1 study room each for us. (With one bed).
The friend (30M) is temporarily out of work (he left the company he was working for and is currently waiting for the company that he’s joining to give him a start date). He doesn’t know anyone in the city, so asked if he could stay with us for 1-2 weeks till the company gives him a start date. We said okay to that.
It’s not that I mind him staying over, but he’s starting to become extremely annoying. It’s the tiny things
For eg –
1) he’s always in the living room despite us having given us his own room. I get it, he wants to watch TV, but he’s there ALL the time. I haven’t been able to see TV in a month. (All of us have dinner together and watch whatever he has been watching.)
2) I have a lot of plants throughout the house and despite me reminding that the curtains need to be open for the plants for sunlight, he always closes them the moment I exit the room.
3) he’s big on eating healthy, eating on time. My boyfriend and I have own routine and we know it’s not the healthiest, but it works for us. He calls us repeatedly for breakfast, lunch and dinner at times that we never eat. At first we modified our schedule but it’s getting so annoying now. I don’t want to have my dinner at 8 PM, when I usually have it at 10.
4) He’s always burping and belching throughout the house. It’s just…gross.
5) He talks…a LOT. My boyfriend goes to work and I work from home, he just enters my room and starts to make conversation and I don’t know how to tell him to go away.
6) He hasn’t got house slippers of his own and is always taking mine if they’re laying around. To the point where I have been walking in socks around the house to avoid being barefoot.
Like, I get he’s out of work but it’s been a month. He’s not paying rent either because he’s not currently earning.
Tl;DR: My boyfriend’s friend is staying with us for over a month and we’re starting to get annoyed.
EDIT : I spoke to my boyfriend and about it and he refuses to say anything to him. He’s increased his stay for yet another week and my boyfriend just laughed it off. He said he’ll tell him about the curtains and slippers but he can’t kick him out.
I haven’t slept in my own bed (boyfriend and the friend) sleep in the master bedroom and I sleep in my study.
They’re downstairs watching TV and I’m just crying myself to sleep in the study.
27 comments
Talk to your BF first to get on the same page, then sit down with the friend and TELL him when he’s leaving.
“(Friend), we agreed to have you stay for a week or two. It’s been far longer than that, and we need you to be out by next Thursday.”
At the end of the day it’s both of your house, and he’s a guest but he’s clearly over staying his welcome.
As uncomfortable as it is, both of you have to set some ground rules to him. Set the record straight.
It’s clear that he’s been spoiled and doesn’t know how to treat other peoples property.
You shouldn’t have to sacrifice everything just to make one guest as comfortable as they want for that long.
Put your foot down and decide who is running the show – looks like you have handed over to him free reigns because of your silence. You have only yourself to blame.
I get that you want to preserve the friendship, but you’re allowing him to cross your boundaries to do so. You’re essentially lighting yourself on fire to keep him warm. That’s never good. You already resent him. If it continues much longer, you will likely be willing to end the friendship just to get some relief.
The first thing you need to do is look into tenancy laws in your area. If he’s approaching a squatter’s rights deadline, you need to get him out ASAP or you’ll never get him out. If he’s already crossed that deadline, you’ll need to look into the formal eviction process so that you know what you’ll have to go through to get him to leave. If the deadline is still some time off, set a hard date for him to move out before that deadline.
With respect to interrupting work, practice a phrase to tell him like “Please leave. I’m working and cannot talk now”. Say it out loud a few times to get comfortable saying it. Then, any time he comes into your room say the phrase. If he continues the conversation, just keep repeating it until he leaves.
When he calls you for meal times and you’re not ready to eat, simply reply “We’re not hungry yet. Eat without us.”
As for the curtains and the plants, keep reopening the curtains. If you hear him close them, go right back into the room, reopen them, and say “I just told you to leave these open for the plants”. Maybe even tell him that if he keeps closing them, he will have to pay to replace the plants when they die.
Ultimately, he’s not a mind reader. As far as he’s concerned, since you two haven’t said anything, he’s behaving just fine as a roommate. You’ll need to talk to him if you want him to change.
Why are you twisting things to suit him? This friend it taking advantage of your unwillingness to call them out and set boundaries.
Most of these issues could be addressed by you just…refusing to let him do them. He doesn’t get to stay out in the living room all the time, the plant thing is NOT negotiable, he doesn’t set your meals because he is not your parent, he doesn’t get to just enter your room.
Also, you need to look into kicking him out, because he’s now likely established residency depending on where you live, so it’ll be probably a month’s notice to kick him out.
Holy shit him just walking into your room to start talking is an unparalleled level of irritating. I lived with one of my friends once and she would do this, it drove me up a wall. Still friends with her, wonderful person, we’re just not good as roommates and that’s okay.
>I haven’t been able to see TV in a month.
Have you asked him to put on your show? Let you watch alone for an hour or two?
>I work from home, he just enters my room and starts to make conversation
Tell him you’re working.
The plant thing is kind of messed up, ask your boyfriend to confront him about that. And do eat dinner whenever you most prefer.
You and your BF need to tell him it’s time to go. He’s already doubled the time he said he’d be staying, and is taking over your home.
Take the dang TV remote, for starters. “We’re watching this.” Don’t ask, tell. It’s YOUR TV.
he’s not a guest, he’s a squatter.
Do NOT allow him to use your address to receive mail etc. If you do you will have to give him an official 30 day notice to vacate and some other legal stuff. insist that he gets a post office box or you could be in trouble
I had a similar situation with my partner’s friend recently (although she was much more considerate than your guy, just massively overstayed her welcome). No amount of “how’s the house hunt going?” Or soft deadlines of “another week or so” worked. The only thing that worked was setting an exact date.
Tbh in the future I will do this every time I have someone to stay because clear and precise boundaries from the beginning are the only way to avoid feeling like an asshole and/or losing a friend.
This is WAY past “ask politely” territory. This is “get the fuck out” territory.
You are old enough to effectively communicate and establish boundaries. He is a guest and if he cannot or will not behave you need to show him the door. It’s that simple.
4 and 6 alone would have me burning the damn house down.
…is there actually a job being offered to him? It really feels like he’s stringing you along at this point and there is no company offering him a position.
Definitely get on the same page with your boyfriend about how you feel, because this is already ridiculous.
I’m going to give some bad, but potentially useful advice. To be clear I’m a really nice person, but I know how to be a passive aggressive asshole. He’s not listening or you’re unwilling to have a frank discussion with him. So let’s go practical.
Get yourself a lock for your bedroom door, or even a simple wedge doorstop so he can’t bust in. Take the TV remote and/or the power cord for the TV into your room until you want to use it. Same with the curtains. Same with your house slippers. Ignore him entirely when he mentions meal time, maybe purposefully turn on some loud music in response. Have extra loud sex with your boyfriend. If you have a wifi thermostat keep changing it, hot then cold, etc.
Make it known that he’s overstayed his welcome and take back your space. Make him want to leave.
Ideally y’all just need to sit down and have a conversation with him. Others have commented on that. But if you’re not going to do that..
“(he left the company he was working for and is currently waiting for the company that he’s joining to give him a start date)”
Uh, what? What company hires people without a start date? Are you sure he’s telling the truth?
Also, how did you let this tenancy stay so long? You said 1-2 weeks but you didn’t enforce it.
honestly, like people like to say on here, you don’t have a freeloader problem, you have a boyfriend problem. you’re uncomfortable in your own home. yes, it is good to learn how to stand up for oneself. but you should not constantly have to be waging war in your own home to get your needs met either. if your boyfriend cares more about letting his friend walk all over you than he does about your comfort and well being, that is your real problem
Ok… when I first read it I thought give him an end date. Like : move out bij next Wednesday. But your update….. they sleep in the master bedroom together? Why? How did that happen? Why are you not sleeping in your own bed with your bf?
Your.. boyfriend and his friend sleep in the same bed, same room together..? & you’re in the study by yourself..? Seems fishy if you ask me.
You have a bf problem.
INFO: why is your boyfriend and his friend sharing a room/bed and you are in the spare room? I can’t be the only one jumping to this being more than a friendship?
Could not imagine kicking my SO out of our bedroom that we share so he could sleep in the spare room and I could sleep with my friend but maybe that’s just me?
Uhm, he and your bf are sharing your double bed, while you sleep in your office??? Why isnt the friend sleeping in your bfs office? This is beyond weird, and thats not counting all the other stuff.
Tbh, this kinda reminds me of when my ex moved in a new partner before breaking up with me
Wait why is he sleeping in the master bedroom with your boyfriend?
why is your boyfriend sleeping in your bedroom while you are in the study? your boyfriend needs to fix this asap. you need to put your foot down now. is there even a job?. he can go back home and wait
OP, your update is really disturbing as it’s clear the situation is so much worse than you initially let on.
I would say to give your boyfriend an ultimatum, “either your friend goes or I go”, but it’s clear he’s already made his choice.
> spoke to my boyfriend and about it and **he refuses to say anything to him**. He’s increased his stay for yet another week **and my boyfriend just laughed it off**. He said he’ll tell him about the curtains and slippers but he can’t kick him out. **I haven’t slept in my own bed (boyfriend and the friend) sleep in the master bedroom and I sleep in my study**. They’re downstairs watching TV and I’m just crying myself to sleep in the study.
Ummm what?
Can you move out anywhere? What is the situation with the lease? This is not OK!!!!
Fucking hell OP. Put your big girl pants on and kick him out yourself. You both live there, not just your bf. You have the authority to kick him out too