We’ve been together for a few months and on the surface we care about each other a lot and get along pretty well. We have certain goals for the next few years, with me wanting to finalise my studies and with him wanting to travel the world etc. I love the idea of travelling in the future with him and I’m not in a hurry to get married however I know its something that I want in my life (maybe 3-4 years from now). When it comes to kids, I’m on the fence though, I dont know if I want kids. Its not an immediate desire, it may be 5-10 yrs down the line where I may want one. But its something that I’ve been considering.
Heres the problem, my bf recently informed me that he doesn’t see a point to marriage. Hes against it. He also doesn’t want children and is definitely against adopting. He says hes too selfish to have kids as he needs his alone time to focus on himself and he doesnt want to use that energy on a child. Even if I ignored my potential being on the fence about kids as I think that can go either way, I cant ignore the fact that we are not compatible when it comes to marriage. Marriage is not negotiable for me and I told him maybe this means we should not be together.
hes now claiming that I should be convincing him over time as to why we should get married and that this is how people progress and grow. I on the other hand don’t want to nag or force a guy to want marriage I don’t want that kind of life for myself nor do I want to be resented by him for forcing this on him. I think it would be unfair to ask if he wanted to marry me given we’re early into this relationship however him wanting marriage and maybe a family in the future in general is something we should have similar ideas on rather than be forced into. He says its not forcing but rather “convincing”. He says if I love him enough I’d stick around and try and convince him over the next few years on why he should get married and have kids.
he also says we can wait until we travel the world and spend time together to see if we can be convinced. Again I dont have an issue with travelling and these things are not something I want immediately in any case however I don’t want to end up in a situation where I have to force/convince a guy to marry me.
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So reddit I wanted to ask unbiased views on this – whether his request is reasonable – should I give it time. Is it okay to “convince” a change of mind on such vital topics of future. Or am I being unfair to expect someone to know whether they want these things from the get go and its something people decide on later on rather than immediately ?
tl;dr: Bf thinks I should convince him to want marriage and kids as he currently does not want them – I dont think its my role to change anyones mind and force him into anything
12 comments
You’re never going to to convince him-he just doesn’t want you to leave him.
“He says if I love him enough…”
Those are dangerous words. These are toe words that men have used for centuries to get their woman of interest to stay with them. It’s a form of manipulation, making your views seem outlandish and making the problem smaller than it is to you.
He’s not incorrect that a couple grows together as they progress in their relationship, but for his to tell you that is quite condescending.
Either of these are certainly negative influences, but not many people actually want to travel the world like you two do. If this is a happy life you see with him, maybe give it time, but you need to trust your gut on this cause there seems like potential for disappointment.
Edit: typos
To me its bizarre he doesnt believe in marriage while simultaniously expecting you to attempt to convince him into a tradition he has no desire to do… that to me sounds like manipulation.
It also never seems to end well when one person wants kids while their partner doesnt.
He’s against marriage and that is not negotiable for you, so you should end it.
I think he got freaked out that you were going to leave and he tried to take back his initial statement without actually committing.
It’s hard to know a person after only a few months. But he literally told you his views, so if you are saying marriage is not negotiable, maybe you really aren’t compatible.
People CAN change their mind (I used to not want to get married, but after many years together with my bf, I would consider it) but it’s not guaranteed so it’s a risk. You just have to ask yourself if you want to take that risk or not.
You should never convince anyone of anything.
Because if you do ‘convince’ him and change his mind but then he finds out he isn’t happy being married, he’ll blame you for coercing him into marriage before eventually leaving.
Also, he’s a 30yo adult, he should know what he does and doesn’t want. You shouldn’t have to convince him of anything- its disrespectful to him.
My person opinion? He doesn’t want to marry you (or anyone, idk), he just doesn’t want you to leave him. Stop letting him waste your time. Dont spend your time on people who don’t want the same things as you, and literally no reason why you should waste any time ‘convincing’ someone of something
It sounds like you’ve realised that if you do “convince” him, then you’ll forever owe him favours for graciously conceding. That’s what I think he’s suggesting here – an unequal courtship and possible marriage where you put in all the work. One where he usually gets his way, and can blame you whenever he falls short.
He may be fun to hang out with casually (on his terms), but nothing here suggests he’ll be an equal and supportive partner in building a life together.
You’ve only been together a few months. Don’t drag this out to a few years for the sake of a self-admittedly selfish man you’re incompatible with. Certainly not when the only solution he’s offered is to put the entire burden of that incompatibility on you.
It sounds like he’s too immature to take responsibility for his life choices and is trying to force it into you. That, or he’s just trying to string you along as long as possible with no intent to commit.
Either way, you know what you should do. You aren’t compatible.
he wants you to fawn and chase him even when you’re already in a relationship m. Narc vibes times 5
You have only been together a few months…don’t ignore the fact that the two of you are NOT COMPATIBLE. You are lucky you found out now vs a few years down the road. FYI…’convincing’ someone to marry you is NOT A THING! My guess is he is actually looking long term, ‘convincing’ (manipulating) you to change your mind about marriage. If this truly is non-negotiable for you, you should move on & thank your lucky stars you found out so early in the relationship. I wish you luck but I don’t think you will need it, you seem to be a very level headed, smart woman who has it figured out for the most part. Don’t waste that on someone who, ultimately, does not want the same things in life that you do.
I think he’s hoping eventually you’ll just accept no kids and no marriage because you’ve sunk so much time in the relationship. The longer this goes the harder it will be to leave and he is banking on this.
Read between the lines: “I need you to prove that you are good enough for me because I am so amazing. I need you to serve me how I see fit and do everything as I wish! Stroke my ego for years by never feeling like you are enough!”