Hi everyone,
I was just wondering if I could get some general advice. I was sexually assaulted as a teen, and it took years of therapy to process that trauma. I started dating again a few years ago. I’ve never been in a relationship or had sex, though I had my first kiss last year, which was a big breakthrough for me.
I feel like my biggest barrier to relationships is my inability to be ok with personal contact unless I’m particularly close with someone. It’s just hard for me to feel comfortable.
I’m just a bit worried if I’m sort of doomed to be alone. These aren’t really things I can drop on a first date to explain why I am the way I am. I usually get rejected for being too friend-like, and sometimes i feel pressured to be more physical than I’m yet comfortable with being.
I’m pretty happy with other facets of my life (career, friendships, finances), but I feel like dating is something that’s sort of out of reach for me because of my trauma.
I was wondering if anyone had similar experiences (like being averse to touch) and how they worked to address these issues.
15 comments
There are lots of women that prefer to move slowly as far as physical contact and sex go. You’ll be most compatible with those women. The only way to figure that out is by talking about it though.
Hey, I’m so sorry for what you went through. I’ve been sexually assaulted a few times and I struggle with this a lot. Online dating tends to be much tougher for me for this reason… it just takes me too long to be able to register attraction/it’s hard not to let the PTSD and dissociation take over.
It definitely is possible though, if you’re set on OLD. You might try to be as socially active as possible (and let friends know you’re looking to date!) in the meantime so things have the chance to develop organically too. I’ve had the best luck with those relationships.
A few other thoughts:
1. If you’re not in therapy, definitely find someone good to work with so you can learn to tell the difference between trauma responses and your gut feelings/incompatibilities. This will be really hard at first.
2. Practice setting boundaries and saying no in your daily life. As the person who’s likely going to move a little slower it’s helpful to really have this established as a skill you’re comfortable with in other areas so that you’re not struggling with the trauma side of it AND the assertiveness side all at once in a higher-pressure situation.
3. Ditto the above, if you haven’t told many people about what happened to you and you have some friends that you trust with the information, I recommend figuring out how you’re most comfortable talking about it. I wrote an article/essay on some of what happened to me and it was published somewhere pretty well-known in the writing world, which meant pretty much everyone in my life saw it and all of the sudden, everyone wanted to talk to me about sexual assault. It was hard at first, but it really helped me figure out the right level of disclosure for certain stages. This is important in dating because ideally you’ll lay the groundwork that there’s something not-them related that’s causing you to go slow/maybe act out of character sometimes so that they know it’s not about them (and you can start to build trust.)
4. There is no “healed” point, but it will get slightly easier with time. Learning your limits and boundaries will give you a sense of control, and when you find someone you truly trust and care about and feel safe with sex can be truly and deeply enjoyable.
Hope that’s helpful. I’m not sure who you’re looking to date (men/women/everyone, etc) but I’ve found that women and people in the queer community are (sadly but usually helpfully) more likely to have experienced similar things themselves and to be pretty receptive to working through the fallout from SA.
I’m sorry to hear that. Was you assaulted by a woman or man? Do you have problem with women? Are you feeling intimidated by women or men that they do it again?
Anyone who is interested in you genuinely would be able to work something out with you as long as you’re not super weird about it. Just be honest but don’t go oversharing mode too early. Clarify to them how you’d like to proceed and mention you’re interested still as in don’t do the “I didn’t talk to them, approached them, I didn’t tell them why I was being hesitant. Why didn’t they understand I was trying to take it slow?” thingy. People aren’t good at reading minds.
The harsh truth is being too slow to develop feelings and connection unfortunately makes things a lot harder, especially if you’re a dude. Sorry for being blunt, that’s just how it is. Everyone has a pace they like and many would say they would prefer to be slow, but if you’re slower than most to develop a connection and feelings it’s a disadvantage that makes it harder. But I don’t want to discourage you, just trying to be realistic. It’s workable, I am the same way as well so I relate to what you’re saying a low and I hope you’ll find a really nice person.
It may be helpful to find those who are on the demisexual side of things. If you pretty much only can have contact with someone you feel bonded with, then those folx will accept and appreciate that. Someone who’s generally on the asexual spectrum will understand completely. But be upfront with your comfort levels… no need to explain why yet, just that those are your levels and boundaries.
I promise you, you’re not doomed. I’m an extremely sexual person and have been dating someone Grey-sexual… I spent part of our first date just napping across his tummy and it was as intimate as we both needed.
Also… super proud of you for getting through the first kiss!!
If on the second or third date, a guy said “I’m sorry, I’m not a very touchy person and I like to take things slow with the physical side of things. It just takes me a while to feel comfortable with that” I would probably be okay with it. I’d also reassure them that you are attracted to them at the same time.
I am a woman the same age as you who is very touch oriented, but I wouldn’t be opposed to dating/getting to know someone who would take a long time to physically open up.
I think approaching relationships for you with that friendship mindset is probably a good thing. It sounds like you would need to be incredibly close and trusting of a person before getting physically intimate at any level. If you start to cultivate more female friends at work, in hobbies, and just your personal life – once you feel comfortable you could then eventually decide if you’d like to try and date.
Otherwise I just think being incredibly open in your boundaries and expectations is best. Let them know that you are uncomfortable with physical intimacy until you’ve established a certain level of friendship/relationship. It will weed out a lot of women who are looking for relationships that progress faster – but it will also allow you to not waste your time in terms of ultimately being rejected/friend-zoned.
As others have mentioned dating someone who is more on the side of asexual/demisexual may be a good option.
I can’t recommend enough continuing therapy on an ongoing basis, particularly with someone who specializes in PTSD. You deserve to be able to date happily.
I was sexually assaulted as a child and then again as an adult. I was lucky enough to have a bf in high school willing to be patient and not push. He and I never had sex, but he helped me immensely when it came to physical touch. For years I avoided most touch, even from family. Too long of a hug from my mom would set off an anxiety attack. Therapy and working on myself helped me push through and past those triggers, I healed. I can now easily hug most anyone. I’m now mid 40s, it took years to get here. Be patient with yourself. I did get married in my 20s and have children. Affection from little ones never triggered me thankfully. I’m sorry you are dealing with this pain, but no, you don’t have to be alone forever.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I was sexually assaulted 2 times in my twenties. I used to think like you say, ‘ doomed to be alone’. I don’t think you are doomed to be alone. Now that I am in my mid thirties, I learned that its okay to say NO. If the other person doesn’t respect that, that’s on them. As a people people pleaser that’s super hard for me to set boundaries I almost feel shameful in a way. But I always say in my head –‘ their reaction to my truth is not my problem’. Dating with trauma is tough. Rejection sucks. I find that being more comfortable with your own boundaries and expressing them up front helps. You’ll find the right person who’ll understand you. Slow and steady. you got this.
I’ve got a similar background, though the assaults were spread throughout my childhood rather than teens. Totally shut down sexuality, avoided touch, and eventually wound up isolating myself from everybody because I couldn’t handle being around people.
When I’d merely have to go to a doctor or physiotherapist where touch was involved I would literally shake through the experience, and then afterward I would experience shame, guilt, flashbacks etc for days. It was absolute hell to the point that I became suicidal.
There are some therapy options specific to PTSD that I wouldn’t hesitate recommending, since they managed to turn my life around. The first is called trauma touch therapy, which is a form of trauma-informed massage therapy. This helps the person to change the narrative that happens while experiencing touch. Another is called somatic experiencing, which is a form of therapy that focuses on releasing traumas held in the body. Forms of touch during sessions can be one aspect of this.
Do you find that while *other people’s* touch is uncomfortable it’s more *your* touch going out than theirs coming in that creates the discomfort for you? As though you’d somehow be harming or dirtying them through your touch? I ask because this was a *very* strong one for me that took a long time to deal with, as it’s rooted in rejecting the parts of yourself that experienced the assault (physically and who you were at the time). To fix that one requires some major internal explorations to repair that self-rejection.
Hang in there man
I’m early 30s F and pretty much like you…I unfortunately have a similar history too. I’m so sorry you were assaulted. I also find it difficult to make physical contact, and when guys insist on hugging/kissing me, I can end up having a panic attack. Wish I could suggest something to help, but I’ve had years of therapy and it’s just getting worse in some ways…
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I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I know of others who have faced similar circumstances. You are definitely not doomed to a life of being alone.
My 2 cents on how you might approach this…
If it were me, and I found someone I wanted to keep seeing, I would make it a point to say more than once “I really like you, I just want you to know that I need extra time to physically feel safe.”
I’ll explain what I mean more below, but to be clear, they should absolutely respect what you say about this from second the words leave your lips. If they do not, they are trash and not worth your time.
I’m talking about repeating the part where you clearly verbally express that you are romantically interested. Saying it more than once can’t hurt. Not at the same moment, but maybe later via text, etc. Or, when you see them again.
Repeating words in certain situations helps me to relieve anxiety. I need to be sure I made every effort to be heard.
I do this when thanking someone for something they did for me, a gift, etc. I would do it in this case, too. So that if there is any confusion on their end as to whether or not you are interested, it’s not because you didn’t get the point across.
Potentially, a silver lining to covid is that maybe you get an extra time buffer of no contact until after you’ve talked enough to mention it?