this is really difficult for me to write, let alone call it what it is, so please bear with me if this post is a little all over the place. i’m wondering how, or if, its possible to save a relationship with someone that didn’t stop when you asked them to repeatedly, clearly. im going to keep the ages vague because i dont want anyone finding this. my (20sF) boyfriend (30sM) very randomly sprung a CNC (consensual non consent) scene on to me out of nowhere, without us having discussed it, one evening. i asked him to stop what he was doing to me (physically inflicting pain on me to a degree i wasnt comfortable with) multiple times, said no, repeatedly asked him to stop and held me down when i tried to move away from him. when he was done with this we had sex, but i barely really remember it. i have PTSD from sexual abuse/assaults and it took me a few years to be able to have sex with my boyfriend without dissociating, so the fact that he didn’t stop when i asked him to has been very difficult for me and i’m really struggling to process it. i love him deeply and we’ve talked about it a few times because i just needed to know why he did it. he does try to hold space for my feelings about this but the answers ranged from “because i thought you wanted it” to “because i liked your reaction” and i just don’t know how to move on. he’s more than educated when it comes to kink (as am i, eventhough i know that might be hard to believe given my age) so he’s very aware that things like rape play or CNC wouldn’t be done without prior discussion and consent- he knew i did generally like CNC but i specified that i ONLY do prenegotiated scenes with a lot of talking beforehand. i don’t know that i really want to break up with him, i would like to save our relationship, but i have no idea how to rebuild this sort of trust, especially because i’ve been raped by partners before. has anyone been through something similar?
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That’s not CNC. That’s just assault.
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Why would you want to save a relationship with someone that raped you?
it’s not cnc if the consent is missing that is just s/a and/or rape
I don’t know. How can you be comfortable with him? Have you been to therapy, some and couples?
Thta is a level of trust that once broken I don’t know if it can be rebuilt.
Don’t walk away, run. Please call your local sexual assault organization for help. “boyfriend (30sM) very randomly sprung a CNC (consensual non consent)scene on to me out of nowhere, without us having discussed it, oneevening. i asked him to stop what he was doing to me (physicallyinflicting pain on me to a degree i wasnt comfortable with) multipletimes, said no, repeatedly asked him to stop and held me down when itried to move away from him.”
It is not your fault. I can not stress that enough.
You talked about the idea but never set up boundaries or safe words or anything. He should of thought better.
If you wanted to do this I would have suggestions on how to do this and still have control but not the time for that conversation.
This sounds like it happened a while ago, how have the talks with each other gone and how have you felt when trying to be intimate now?
A loving partner will chuck it all out the window the *moment* they think you’re in genuine distress. The safe word won’t be even needed, they’ll know you’re not OK because 100% of their attention will be focused on monitoring your safety.
I know you love him, and that you think that there won’t be a next time. But the next time might also be your *last* time. I love my GF with my life, and we do S/M stuff. Even when we’re both having fun, part of me aches when she’s in pain. I can’t imagine getting so ‘carried away’ that I would genuinely hurt her, and wouldn’t be able to stop. It’s bullshit.
If you’re so hell-bent on saving this, I suggest giving him an ultimatum: you either go to therapy, or we’re done. I still feel wary suggesting this, because he might get violent. Please be so very careful.
My big red flag is him saying he liked your reaction to it. That is a very dangerous place to be. Also, age isn’t everything but when you are with someone who is 50% older than you it is quite a gap and it can cause imbalances in power if not careful.
I cannot read the entirety of your post. But speaking from experience, after your partner rapes or assaults you, the relationship cannot be salvaged. The aggressive partner will continue to escalate, and what you experience will get worse and worse over time.