My boyfriend tells me he likes the idea of a wife and kids- the whole American dream thing- but when push comes to shove and we’ve been together for 4 years and we start seriously talking about getting engaged and married he tells me that marriage has only been a negative in his life (not married before but his father went through an absolutely nasty divorce leaving him to raise four kids on his own after she took the house kind of thing. Other relatives have not gotten married or have experienced infidelity within their marriage). I 100% understand how he feels and I have compromised with him by agreeing to do a pre-nup. We’ve been talking about marriage again because we may have to pick up our lives and move for him to chase his dream and I was a bit taken aback when talking about us getting married that he said “it’s only been a negative in my life but I know it’s important to you so I will do it”. Is this a bad thing? Logically I feel like this is just one of those things couples compromise on amongst others, but it also feels like a pretty big thing to compromise on. Has anyone else experienced this? Is this a bad sign or is this my other half doing what it takes to make me happy?
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>I 100% understand how he feels
How do you 100% know how he feels? You agree that you are going to be the type of person to cheat on him and talk all his money in a divorce?
Because that is what he’s saying. He’s saying he thinks you would do that to him and that’s why he doesn’t want to get married. He’s letting other people’s experiences influence his thoughts. So he’s projecting that onto you.
A pre-nup has valid reasons, that isn’t one of them. Also… does he have a lot of money and assets? prenups should protect assets acquired prior to marriage, not during marriage. Does he actually have assets that would warrant legal protection?
You are with a guy who doesn’t want to get married and who bottom line doesn’t trust you. I don’t think there is a future here.
My money is he’s doing what it takes to make you happy and a super bad idea on his part. If I were you I’d back it up and keep talking. Keep working on understanding his side and look for ways to help him feel comfortable with marriage.
I went through something similar with negative views of marriage. It was carried from childhood traumas and my own divorce experience. I waited 18 years the second time around before marrying and honesty I wouldn’t change a thing.
18 years might be a bit extreme for you but my point is slow it down and help him get to a place where he feels comfortable with the idea of marriage as something other than negative. Good luck OP.
Maybe some pre-marital counseling would do you two good. He needs to separate his father’s failed marriage from your relationship. Right now it’s marriage, but it will come up with other aspects of your lives – buying a house, having kids, etc – unless he works on his beliefs about marriage.
I wouldn’t move for someone if they want a prenup unless they prenup was very generous. The prenup is usually saying “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours” so you don’t want to make sacrifices that will reduce what’s “yours” to increase what’s “theirs.”
In other words, you don’t want to quit your job to pursue a good job opportunity for them since you’ll suffer the consequences of that if they decide to divorce you.
I also wouldn’t marry someone this hesitant about it.
I think given his father’s history his reservations are understandable. I wouldn’t see this as a massive red flag, but I would definitely have a few different discussions to talk through his reservations and make sure there isn’t anything that will surprise you later.
One of the prime directives of getting married is that both of the two people need to be *”Hell yeah!”* about committing to a lifetime with the other person.
He’s not “Hell yeah!” at all, of course. He’s “Well if I have to, to keep you around…” That is not a commitment to a lifetime. I would never marry someone who said that. But you do you.
This is a conflict of core values, and that’s a red flag waving.
On this prenup? Does he have significant assets? Because most of the things people think they can cram into a prenup cannot be in one and a judge will toss them out (that’s even IF a competent attorney would allow you to sign a poor prenup). Both parties absolutely must have their own attorney, and your attorney must represent you well and protect your interests and not allow you to sign anything that gives up your rights. Divorces are pretty fair at dividing assets and the “half my stuff” stories are usually bogus.
And I suspect there’s another side of the story to his dad’s divorce.