Me and my husband got into this discussion. I am from Estonia and in Estonia even though we are mostly quite reserved people, friends fight and make up. I think I’ve gotten into arguments with most of my friends but we always make up. It’s almost a right of passage for friendships – you fight and make up and that makes the friendship stronger. Even guys do this. There is even a saying for that – “Omad koerad hammustavad, oma koerad lepivad” translates roughly as dogs fight, dogs make up.
I have only one British friend that I’ve known for a long time. We’ve had arguments and falling outs, but as a result I would never really tell her everything that’s in my mind. Also, I’m wary of even saying things to my other friends that is on my mind that may upset me about their behaviour as I’ve seen this go really wrong in this country. For example, I feel like a friend is always treating me like a second best option. She assumes I’m there when her plans fall through but she hardly ever specifically makes plans with me. I wouldn’t hesitate to raise that with an Estonian friend but apparently arguing with your friends is not a done thing in the UK?
11 comments
Of course people argue in the UK, is this really the level of question now? No one likes it and if you genuinely do then you’ve got issues.
There are some Brits who more readily fall out and argue but it can be seen as low class. Not saying I believe that personally, but that can be a perception. For example a pub or neighbourhood where people are always having slanging matches (loud arguments) or fights would have a dodgy reputation.
It’s more normal in most social spheres to experience a lot of passive aggression, bitching behind people’s backs, and just having something unspoken between you for years. So yeah, like you’ve noted, it can affect how open relationships feel.
I’ve never had a fight or falling-out with any of my friends in my life now that I think about it! That’s probably why we’re friends, because we get on so well and never put eachother in a position where we’d ever need to argue. Thinking about it, I’ve not had an argument in years, what’s the point? Arguing serves no purpose, disagreements and misunderstandings can be resolved through respectful discussion, arguing never solves anything and only makes things worse imo. I wouldn’t waste my time arguing with anyone, if I see someone *wants* an argument or is looking for one, I’ll remove myself from the situation until they calm down and address the issue later
I think what you’re referring to is openness rather than willingness to argue?
In the UK we are open; I can only speak from a male perspective, but all my male friends will tell each other if we’re being dumb. I have the same experience with some of my female friends, but not to the same extent.
I’ve also experienced Eastern European openness which is what I think you’re referring to, and it’s on a whole other level. You guys are so much more blunt, it’s kind of brutal sometimes.
To be honest with you, I just let my friends get on with being who they are, they probably couldn’t annoy me if they tried.
Any toxic friends I’ve had over the years are just filtered out of my life.
Having lived in the UK, I find there is a cultural split on this.
In the north, there’s a greater tendency to be open about things, have a discussion / disagreement / argument, and move on with no bad feelings.
When I moved down south, I found it’s much less acceptable to have differing opinions
and people hold grudges and permanently fall out with others that do.
My mother in law’s family *lives* for conflict, backbiting, nasty gossip and in-fighting!
When we met, she told me they were a close family. Took me about a month to work out they were “close’ so they were first to hear the gossip and knew where to send the posse when the nastiness turned on them. They’ve had stand up hair flying fisticuffs, my father in law tells proudly the story of how a cousin put him through a glass door….
We’ve fallen out with friends ourselves, but at that point we stop calling them friends and cut them out of our lives. To me, that’s not what friendship is.
I haven’t had a fight with my friends in years, no real reason so. However recently a few friends treated my differently based on a life decision I made. No argument at all however after that I realised that I couldn’t trust these people with details of my personal life like I could, knowing that I didn’t have a high standing in their eyes (ie I was a form of gossip for them). So I simply distanced myself and I am careful with that I tell them, I didn’t argue with them or bring this up with them because I see no need to. I have just accepted that’s what they clearly feel towards me and move on. I still talk to them but I am civil and nothing more.
Why don’t you talk to your friend and ask? None of us know her and we can’t answer for you.
A lot of british people feel slightly uncomfortable coming forth with information but will when asked…
That’s interesting. My immediate thought is that for you to fight it has to be something quite serious or irritating to the person and so would be something more likely to end a friendship.
From my experience the idea of arguing and making up with friends as a ‘right of passage’ is quite odd in my friendships. Because all I can think is – why would I want to argue with a friend ?
I would do everything to avoid it getting to that point. I certainly would not want to make a habit of it.
You’re presenting this as a choice between the following two options:
1. never mention anything anyone else does which upsets you
2. start fights with people who piss you off
There’s a middle ground. If you can’t express your feelings to your British friends or colleagues without it becoming an argument, fight, falling out, etc then I’m sorry to say, the problem might be you.