I (f24) love my boyfriend (m25) of almost 9 years dearly, but we have a problem.
At first our sex was perfect in our own way. Even though I have never orgasmed from PIV, it didn’t bother me because I reached the ecstatic point while he went down on me or when he played with his fingers with me. Also, I still enjoyed sex without the vaginal orgasms and sometimes I’ve orgasmed (by clit stimulation) a couple of times while having sex, but it’s always been a long journey and it also took a slight dose of foreplay or at least having horny thoughts beforehand.
However, the past months we find ourselves in the uncomfortable situation. Today was one of the days. I layed tired in the bed and my partner came to me obviously ready to have some fun. I didn’t push him away since I did feel like having sex. We nosedived to it, no foreplay, no nothing, straight to the cowboy position. I tried to play with my clit a little and that’s when it started. We had sex in this position for a good 10 mins and I still couldn’t orgasm even though it felt good. Everytime I moaned a little louder I spotted him watching me, waiting, and that’s what pushed me back.
Eventually my knees started to hurt so we layed sideways and continued, but it didn’t feel as good so I wanted to change the position. That’s when he stopped, walked to the window and just looked out and said he tired and that he doesn’t understand what he is doing wrong when I can’t cum. I told him that he’s doing alright and that I can go up on him again but the atmosphere already shifted.
We talked a little bit about the situation. He’s sad that I can’t cum for a long time, I’m telling him that it’s not that easy (don’t get me wrong, I get leg-shaking clitorial orgasms, it just takes me longer, depending on my flow of thoughts since I have a problem not thinking about stuff).
He knows I don’t mind if I don’t reach orgasm during PIV, but he doesn’t want to cum until I have my orgasm. But I just have a hard time to orgasm when it feels like obligation, when he waits for me. So, long story short: He won’t cum until I cum, but I can’t cum because he is just waiting for me which makes me stressed.
Even though we talk openly and try to solve the problem, nothing gets better. Eventually we both lay in bed frustrated.
Thanks for any advice, I feel like I need some uninterested look at the problem.
7 comments
Idk if your bf knows this but a lot of women are like this. He needs to stop over thinking this too much and be more supportive or it will likely become a bigger problem.
For me, I need to cum first on my own, my bf does help out if I need him to. Sometimes I still take a long time and I feel bad so we’ll have sex before I cum but I still finish myself off afterward. Honestly, he’s just happy that I came, not by how.
As a note, it’s normal not to come from PIV, vaginal orgasms are much much more rare than clitoral. It’s also normal to take much longer to come, or not to come at all, during certain times of day or if you don’t have enough time to warm up.
Y’all need to de-center orgasm. Orgasms are awesome! The pressure to perform is not, and actively works against getting there. You can experience pleasure and connection during sex, without orgasms.
Someone else needing you to come, and getting pouty about it if you don’t, cares more about their ego than about your pleasure.
If you want easier orgasms, you might try an external vibrator. You could also just focus on having fun, and letting orgasms be a potential byproduct of that.
The clitoris is technically a pseudo penis so it needs as much stimulation as a penis, it’s completely normal not being able to cum with no external stimulation. It mostly happens due to friction and being able to get out of your head for a while. 🙂
Edit: Also, vaginal orgasms do not feel the same at all, they’re much less intense but can last longer, you might’ve done it without even knowing.
It sounds to me like you are both trying to force this way to much. First off its way harder for some women to reach orgasm. Like you said it depends on your flow of thoughts.
Sometimes and this is a lesson he needs to learn if he wants you to have an orgams every time (which I find unrealistic , I as a dude can’t orgams every single time either) then he needs to put in the work, the foreplay and the setting of the mood. He needs to do the things that help you get your head in the game. For my wife if we want to have a quicky and we want to make sure she has a good orgasm on the cheap. Then we have to use a magic wand, the big one, right on her clit. That thing can power through most of her thoughts lol . Also like the others have pointed out Vaginal orgasms are far more rare and hard to reach then clitoral orgasms , thats why there are so many different vibes out there and many women use them during PiV to reach orgasm.
Sometimes we just have to accept that the other person could not cum and instead enjoyed the experience for what it did give us.
Not being able to squeeze in a quicky here and there and cum at the same time is absolutely awful, especially if your partner starts to think their doing something wrong, me and my wife had a pretty same problem back when we started dating, where we both had so much work to do and so little time to do other things, we started work early and got off late then we just slept, but we both wanted to do it but only if it was fast, and we both got pleasure from it, so my wife actually got this [Desire vibe](https://www.bombex.com/products/the-desire-vibe-sucking-vibrator?variant=37648542630038) toy, and basically its this suction toy, small ass thing but it’s awesome lol, I can use it on her while we’re having sex, so everything just goes from 0-100, now you can just say we have great quickest haha
[m] Regarding cowgirl, it is so incredibly sexy watching my lady riding my penis that I get mesmerized watching. But sometimes I’ll just close my eyes and concentrate on how good it feels, which is amazing. I would imagine that your bf would happily close his eyes if you asked. It’s really good eyes open or closed! Regarding piv orgasms, your bf just needs to accept some facts of life—most women aren’t having an orgasm that way frequently, or at all.
You weren’t in the mood and he did nothing to warm you up. So then you jump right into it and the momentum only carries you so far. You don’t cum and he also doesn’t cum. Because he gets off on you getting off..
Sometimes this happens and you can’t do anything about it..
You may not have been in the mood to get turned on in a slow way.
But perhaps you can reset when it doesn’t go there. start again with getting turned on. Suggest the ways that would help you get turned on. He may be frustrated but you could help direct what you want..