My aunt(53F)(mom’s sister) has been bullying my sister(25F) and I for 10 years. It hasn’t been that bad for me since I stand up for myself occasionally and avoid her. My sister has become the scape goat of the family. She has a mental illness and my aunt ridicule her for it. My aunts thinks it’s a joke. My sister has been having difficulties at school and has not graduated yet.
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My uncle(54M) who also bullied us, stopped after he found out my sister’s diagnosis. He hated us because we moved to the country with almost no money and we needed to live at his place. My mom(63F) did not get any part of the inheritance because she is a she. My grandma let us live at my uncle’s place. My sister is also looking for work and has been a bit unsuccessful. She mostly sleeps for most of the day. It has been traumatic for me. I try to stand up for my sister but my aunt keeps coming back with insults.
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Everytime, it happens, I do not want to let her know it bothers me but I get anxiety and depressed. My aunt praises other members of the family and my cousins. She compliments their intelligence and height. She compare my sister to her own daughter who is having a successful career at the same age.
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My mom will not do anything about this because she believes her sister is her closest relative. My mom has only stood up for us one time. My mom exploded at my aunt and cried while yelling: all you ever do is say my kid is dumb and my kid is bad. It has made me feel a bit hopeless.
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The rest of my family make occasionally comments and hints pressuring my sister to lose weight and graduate faster and get a job. If it was that easy, it would’ve happened by now. I am constantly reminded that my sister is the black sheep of our extended family. My older cousins do not say anything. My aunt only insults us when she knows no one is listening. I have moved out to avoid this before. But being isolated has also contributed to my depression. I do not want my sis to be alone.
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I want to spend time with my mom but she still invites my aunt often. I want to love my mom but it is hard because she accepts this. When I yell at my aunt, my mom blames me because my aunt insults my mom’s parenting. She says I am triggering my aunt. I would do a better job at avoiding her but I don’t want to be isolated and always bump into her at family gatherings. My aunt also sends whatsapp recordings to my mom all the time saying my sister is lazy and she doesnt have an illness and fat and other negative things. I am very scared my sister will hear them because my mom plays them in her room. I don’t want her to have any lower self confidence. My mom says it’s fine because it’s a form of encouragement.
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My aunt has been shunned by her husband and daughter due to her attitude towards them. Her own family ignores her so she always tries to hang out with my mom. My mom has a minimum wage job on saturday. I have been trying to spend time with my sister when I have time away from work on that day. It has also made me feel hopeless because I am reminded that she does not have many friends and she is unemployed.
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I am mentally exhausted from work already but I feel an obligation to have fun with her on saturday. I am dealing with a toxic boss. I am not able to smile or relax on the weekend. I am not able to rant to my sister about my problems making the majority of my week difficult.
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How can I get my mom to do something?
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tl;dr: My mom is not standing up to her sister for bullying my sister for having a mental illness that makes it hard to find a job.
4 comments
You can’t get your mom to do anything she doesn’t want to do.
People do exactly what they want to do, every single time. They put their time, effort, and energy into those things that are most important to them, and they put less (or none) into those things that are less (or not) or not important. They prioritize the feelings and needs and boundaries of those people who are most important to them, and they *de*-prioritize the feelings and needs and boundaries of the people who are less important to them.
> My mom will not do anything about this because she believes her sister is her closest relative
…your mom considers her relationship with her sister more important to her than your needs or your sister’s needs.
And there’s nothing you can do to change that.
So the *only* thing you and your sister can do in this situation is to defend yourselves from your aunt’s behavior by taking away her opportunity to treat you like that.
If she is going to be someplace, don’t go there. If she comes to a place where you are, leave.
If that means that you get to spend less time with your mom, because your mom wants your aunt there, then that’s what it means: you spend less time with your mom. If she asks you why, tell her, “[Aunt] is abusive to us, and since you will not stand up for us, we will simply not be around when she is”.
im so sorry youre going through this. i have aunts that can be the same way, just not as extreme, theyre more subtle about their jibes but they’re always there. i just keep it simple, i dont hang out with them. if they come over i say hi and that’s it. if they have get togethers i probably won’t go. in fact i mostly see them at mutual functions. it’s at the point where it’s just automatic. i hang out with the cool aunts and uncles though.
What is the current living situation for your mom and sister?, family issues are the worst because they are out of your control remember that and please don’t be so hard on yourself. I come from a big immigrant family and my eldest sister has physical disabilities can’t walk and can’t communicate fully, all my life I’ve watched my mom care for my sister and miss out on her life. I hate this for your mom, I want you and your mother to be on the same team, I don’t know how this can happen, but Your mom has to understand her sister will always be her sister but her priority is her family which is you and your sister. I would straight up mention all of this to your mom, I would even see if your uncle is helpful enough to join the conversation and sit and hear what an effect this has on a young lady. I feel for your sister so immensely and I know a sisters bond is so strong so it certainly must be traumatic watching her go through this. You mom is older than her sister, and family is family you help eachother in hard times but that doesn’t excuse this behavior. Your mother doesn’t owe her anything. Honestly if your mom and aunt don’t live together, maybe block her WhatsApp and let’s see if she can iMessage all that bullshit to your mom. I don’t know I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself.
Hi.. I am sorry you are going through this. The only thing that worked for me is cutting off all contact with those family members (aunt and cousin). My cousin would beat me, my aunt would tell me how stupid I am. My mom is still totally attached to them and she never, ever took my side.
Take care of yourself first. Know in your heart that your relative’s behavior is not normal, no one deserves to be treated like this. I am sending you hugs, give yourself some relaxing time if you can.. we can’t choose our family, and healthy individuals you want around would not do this. They are so miserable in their own life they just spread it out.
Hope you will feel better soon.